… Dearest Smalls…

… I struggle now, more than ever… I want to give you the world, but I want you to know what it means to seek out your own place… I want to teach you the importance of loving yourself while making sure you learn how to put others before you and the value of that; of recognizing more than yourself…. I want to be your compass, and yet, more than ever, it is you that are mine… “What would I want them to do?” “What would I want them to know?” “What if that were my child; how would I want someone to fight for them?” So how does this work, you ask? … I see your insecurities, and they gnaw at me…. I see your strengths and they inspire me…. The three inches that you’ve grown, the three shoe sizes that you’ve gained, The three weeks inbetween seeing you –in just a year?… I cannot keep up with you and for that I am ever so eternally grateful and sad….  And that makes not one bit of sense to me, either….  There is no stopping this thing called time; perhaps these are the longest years….  I cannot be your friend all the time, but I can be your friend…. I cannot grasp you to my chest… I cannot shelter you from this world… I cannot follow you to be certain that you’ve donned your hat and zipped your coat and protected your lips with the chapstick that I seem to buy you daily…  I will never rock you again in the old creaky chair; never fall asleep again with you on my chest; But can still make you believe that I am magic….  Santa is gone to most of you, the Tooth Fairy is gone, the Easter Bunny is gone; on some days, I know, even God is gone…. I can’t make you believe…. I can’t explain well enough….  And I must be alright with that…. And I will tell you that even now, that is hard, despite knowing it is how it must be… There is no love beyond this love…. There is no breath that I take without you on my mind…. There is no thought not marked by your presence…. There is no beauty that does not remind me of you….

One comment on “… Dearest Smalls…

  1. Holly from 300 Pounds Down

    This is so touching and honest. I can relate to so much of what is in here.