Articles for the Month of July 2012

Somewhere between Guilt and Gratitude… thats where I live.

So This week… since I have not done a writing prompt for a couple of weeks I would choose one I could revisit… rework.. because I’m a cheater…

“Tell us about one of the scariest moments of your life.”

So, Here’s the thing, Before you read any further I have to tell you the end of the story…. I grew up and lived happily ever after… So as you read, don’t think I am still there, or still that girl…. I survived… and thrived… was a mommy and happy… and finally found the love of my life and loved my life, and believed I deserved it.

But I have to tell the story, because my subconscious replays it in my dreams, and I scream out at night, biting my lower lip into hamburger, and crumble into  sobs, because the face, swollen and blue from the noose changes with the years… it always starts with him, he was my friend… and then changes to those I love now… and it really is too much to keep inside… and even thought I feel like I have let it go a million times over, in September, on the days, the days that he laid in a coma and I visited him every day, and spoke to him… still bubble up in the middle of the night and escape… and it hurts those I love, if I wake them, and they hold me while I am somewhere between a scream and a sob, and they pat my chewed lip with a tissue and tell me it will be okay… and I can’t look at their face.. to be sure that it isn’t distorted and blue. I am thirty eight years old this year…. I remember sitting up all night in those teen years knowing without a shadow of a doubt I would never live this long…  I was wrong… I was wrong about a lot of things… I suppose that’s part of growing up… this isn’t going to be a memoir to him… or to those years of mine… that story is told, processed, tucked away with a stamp of mental health approval… There isn’t anything anyone can do about the nightmares, they are a curse and a blessing really, the fact that I am creative, and so empathetic, thoughtful, hopeful, intelligent… all come from a mind that can also vividly transport me somewhere else when I sleep, and touch all of my senses while I am in that first stage of sleep…. Yes, I know… there is a name for the condition… See my post on Adult Night Terrors… I have researched… I have tried everything…, I guess in some ways I feel like I deserve them… or they define me… or maybe they are just real, and raw… and I’m okay with that…. I will go back to the meditating, and drinking soothing teas… and exercising right before bed, and reading positive material… playing uplifting music… white noise…

I was waking up in my dream… crying out… but I felt the roughness of the woven blue and grey material of the couch … in the common area of the youth center imprinted on my face… I bolted up, and Joe (the evening staff) came running out of the office to see if I was okay… Joe understood I think.. or maybe he was shook up too… we had all been together a while, and everyone was sad, and pensive, and wondering what could have been done different, anything to have kept him from hanging himself… Joe hadn’t made me sleep in a bed that night… He had given me a standard issue blanket, and a hospital pillow and told me I could stay in the open space of the common area… because I couldn’t handle the cramped rooms, or being near anything really… he brought me tea… and started the music again… Cristoforis dream… David Lanz… on the Nirada decade cd ( I lost track of this song for a number of years… my grandpa found it for me, after I hummed it to him… and then again Mr. Amazing.. randomly played it one night )… it was what he always played me to help me sleep… I knew the night staff way better than the day… because I never slept…. I’m losing you in the details aren’t I… But that’s how I dream… every little thing is there… nothing is missed… down to the smell, color, texture, temperature… and the taste of that horrible Lipton tea he used to make me… because he thought I was too young for coffee… and I asked him if there was any change in his status… and he said he would call again… there was no change… they took me in the van to see him the next day… this is where I wake up screaming… because it flashes like a strobe light in my dream… his swollen face… through all of them… starts with Richard… goes to Billy… Brandon.. Jason… Myself… Shirley.. Donna…My Sister…My grandpa…  I saw my son… my almost granddaughter… Mr. amazing… (Switching music to the recommended piano track)…. I touch the face (whatever one it happens to be at the moment) and beg them not to give up.. not to leave… that we were wrong… that everything is going to be okay… that we are not without futures… never give up… never give up.. and I run past deadmans curve… where they are pulling up a body… and there is a purple suv parked… past the cemetery… past the campus of the shelter…. Past the high school and the bullet bike…  BOOM! I’m in my bed… face suspiciously close to the wall… is that how I bit my lip so hard… with the help of the wall? Every muscle tense to the point that I feel as if I have been running for days… every muscle is taut… and one by one I have to unfold them… it is like a full body Charlie horse… and extremely painful… Mr. amazing is there after a moment… I must have yelled out… and the sobs start the second he touches me… He is afraid it was one of the other dreams… where I may not want to be touched.. and is trying to figure out how to comfort me… I think somewhere in the middle of overwhelming sadness I asked him again… as I do so often… not to leave me… He doesn’t understand why I keep asking… He thinks I am having nightmares of being hurt… beaten… lost… abandoned….

Richard Aaron Vanmeer took his life on my 16th birthday… he was in a coma until the 30th of September, at which time they took him off of life support and he continued to breathe on his own for about 4 hours before he expired…

I am thirty-eight years old… I made it… I have seen a lot of death… but I have seen more life… I have seen more walk out of their pain… and turn their face towards the sun… and really live… not this living that so many people do… but really living… driving fast… watching sunrises… and sunsets… witnessing the moon’s reflection over any body of water they can find… I still may not sleep a lot… and I still have the night terrors… But I would’nt trade them…. And I still struggle with believing I deserve to be loved… but I believe I am loved… and I am capable of love… and I hate sometimes that the others didn’t get to this point, and the guilt that I am finding happiness, and joy in my life sometimes threatens to swallow me up…. But I tuck that away… and wake up for another sunrise… and love harder than I did the day before… and I am blessed…

So I scream in my sleep… and I cringe if someone moves fast… and if I’m not sleeping… anything near my face freaks me out… I get lost in thought… because my thoughts are so cool… and visual… and piano music will always make me cry…. I hate to be trapped in small places… and I LOVE to be outdoors… I stop when I see someone hurting… even if I don’t know them.. and try to help…. Whether its lost children… handicapped adults crossing the road… homeless musicians singing their hearts out for a buck… I will give them all I have… I hug everyone and I feel most hopeful and happy when around children… I find they precocious nature honest… and undomesticated…. We adults are domesticated…  I’m scared of hot things… Like ovens… but still manage to love making tea… and burning candles… and incense…. I clean… a lot…. I laugh more than I clean… and lately my laugh has changed… it’s not the little high-pitched giggle behind my collar or hand (which I disliked) and has evolved into a deep cackle… that bursts out before I can cover my mouth… and hearing it makes me laugh harder… (I also dislike this laugh)…. Sometimes I don’t eat… sometimes I eat too much… sometimes I eat Indian food that is so hot it feels like my skin is peeling off… and I laugh… because I have an ulcer that will not find it funny later…. I have this dog… That when I cried that night whimpered at the door for me… oh don’t worry, he has his own couch… but when I was brought out of the room to sleep on the couch… just like that night so many years ago… the dog laid beside me on the floor… so no one could get me… and when I leaned over and loved on him through my hugs and belly rubs… he was comforted enough to go back to his couch and sleep… and I was able to as well… with Mr. Amazing watching me from the corner of his eye as he worked all night on the computer… It’s an awkward balance between guilt and gratitude … this life of mine…


Sooo I haven’t been here… Past tense… I’m here now obviously… I unplugged for a few days… and then a few days more… I’m sure the stories of my adventures on those days will be many future blog posts…. But for now I’m starting a new category and tag on the blog (art)… More than likely this will be the only post in it… but for the fun of it… lets act like I’m going to be getting back to this more often…


I finally found sometime to paint while unplugged!! I used to paint almost daily… acrylics… on cheap canvas… with cheap brushes so I don’t have to berate myself over the care of any of it…. But this weekend I tried something new… this is an opaque matte gel… it gives texture, you can add color…. or you can paint white on a white canvas and try to guess what it looks like … which of course is what I did…. oddly enough… I really enjoyed this because when I would snap a picture with my camera, the flash would reflect off the gel and you could see what I was creating…. Quite lovely really….

It was kind of amazing taking this picture… because the canvas was white… and you couldn’t see her on it…

I added color to her… but wished I hadn’t, I don’t like this as much… but here it is anywaysSooooo There you have it…

… An Invasion of Privacy

Tolman: Hello!

me: Hi Tolman!!!!

Tolman: I have to tell you something… I just can’t keep it inside any longer!

me: Really? What could it be?

Tolman: I Love you… Not like in love with you… Just Love you… And

me: There is more?

Tolman: Yes, I worship the ground you walk on and want to be just like you when I grow up

me: You’re older than me

Tolman: Well, it was a figure of speech

me: You are aware you left yourself logged into my google chrome aren’t you?

Tolman: You don’t say

me: Oh but I do… and then I can open another chat window in IE

Tolman: Why would anyone do that?

me: I’m tired of talking to myself…

Tolman: Is’nt that an invasion of privacy?

me: Yes… yes it is… But im glad you told me how you feel

Tolman: Oh really?

me: The feeling is mutual

Tolman: You need sleep

me: I need sleep… This should have been much more creative and entertaining than it is

Tolman: You made me confess my love for you

me: Yes, But I could have had you confess you used to be a man… think of the possibilities

Tolman: <shiver>

… and then he was 13

“All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, ‘Oh, why can’t you remain like this for ever!’ This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

… Can it really have been thirteen years…

Dear Small Child,

Thirteen Years ago…  I was terrified that I didn’t have the ability to be enough … To be the mommy you deserved.

I was so very wrong… In your first minutes of life you taught me what love meant… and how a heart is built… You see before you came on the scene I was just kind of drifting through life plans… through life in general….  You are my glue… You grounded me.

Everyone who met you shared love for you, Even your Dad was nervous that we wouldn’t quite  be enough… but we loved you with our whole hearts from the moment you first appeared…. You taught a lot of people about love…. You were powerful in your first few minutes.

Today you are thirteen… you are powerful still… You’re my baby and there will be no more babies from this womb after you.

I love your brain…. I love when you take complex situations  and narrow them down to their essence… I love being able to share this life with you and have you understand it with minimal explanation… I love watching you solve problems… I’ve never told you that you’re smarter than other people…. I think you probably know that… But you will never be arrogant.

One of your best assets is your laughter… it is contagious. When you laugh I feel like I might burst, it’s like the sun shines ten times hotter and the pure happiness is bouncing off of us all. I can’t imagine any joy greater than being your mom.

Every time you say “please”, “thank you” and “bless you” my heart soars….  The world will treat you kindly when you have good manners…. I know it’s not easy holding doors open, but you’re a boy, and soon you’ll be a man and it’s important to me that you are a gentleman.

Sometimes you ask me questions I can’t answer and we find the answers together… Your curiosity coupled with your empathy is what will change the world. I hope You always remember…  that it’s more important to be good than it is to be best… when your schoolwork is a struggle.

By this age you have learned that a  heart is built to grow…. that life is full of surprises… that things not going as planned doesn’t make the plan obsolete… You have taught me that… and I am thankful…

Happy Birthday Angel Boy


… And finally… I get to play the part of Your Evil Wicked Stepmom…

Happy Birthday Smallest Child….

The first time we ever met, you were two … Even though your dad and I weren’t even dating then, I knew, deep down, that I was going to be part of your life…. The thought scared me a little but excited me more.. I feel so lucky that you like me… I think you even love me…

Now you are six and you are growing up so fast!

Sometimes I wish time would freeze and you would always be small, because I treasure this time with you….  I love it when we’re in the car and you talk to me about things that are important to you….  I know you don’t really talk to just anyone about stuff that’s hard on you… and I’m so glad you trust me and want to share…. I hope you will always talk to me about things that matter to you.

I Love Thursdays… When you come home… I missed you too … I always do on the days we don’t see you… Sometimes it’s really hard not to see you every day!

I cherish your small hand in mine, and when you climb in my lap… When we are doing fun things together I try to memorize everything so that I can hold on to the memories when you are grown… I hope I never forget how small and cute and wonderful you are! Sometimes you just crack me up…  It also makes me laugh that you seem to have a strange and incessant desire to push buttons…You can be so silly sometimes, and I love to hear your giggle…. I adore the way you laugh, it makes me laugh in return every time.

I know things will probably not always be as easy as they are now, and maybe our relationship won’t always be so positive…. I have a feeling your teenage years are going to be rough on all of us…. But I hold onto the hope that you and I are laying an early foundation of love, trust, and respect that will last…. I cherish you more than I ever thought possible…. I hope you always know that.

So I will continue to help from the sidelines… I will continue to help in any way I can… I will continue to love you

Happy Birthday Pretty Facey

Chimps gone wild! & Dinosaur Porn! … It Must be Friday!

This isn’t a real post… I like to think of it as more like a Public Service Announcement…. <Cue announcer voice> “We Will be interrupting the normal Friday nonsense for these…







Residents in Las Vegas warned again Chimpanzees on the loose…. Best headline ever… I guess what happens in Vegas rule doesn’t apply to Primates







Scientists rendered images of Dinosaurs having sex… really… apparently they have been working on this theory for decades…. WOW … well…. Just

look for yourself….  THANK YOU DAILY MAIL!


I couldn’t make this shit up…Well…. real life wins…..







and I win the interwebs!!!


P.s. If you are new here… its not always nonsense… I’ve been writing some pieces that are going up this next week that I am very Proud of… Stay Tuned.