I can’t keep living this way… If you have been a reader of this blog… you know sleep issues are a running theme. I am a lifelong insomniac… as well as a long time experiencing Adult Night Terrors individual… There is a lot that goes along with this that I do not share … Panic attacks over my sleeping environment being one of them (until now)… Also you know that I have recently in the past few years met … fell in love with… and married my Night Time Knight in shining armor… Mr. Amazing. (everything is appropriately back linked if you want the history :) )

Something new in my sleep pattern is emerging as I continue down this road to happy destiny… And it is more disturbing to me personally than any of the above… I. Am. Sleeping. SOUNDLY… So soundly that last night Mr. Amazing came into the bedroom (he had too stay up late working from home) … OPENED the door… entered our bedroom… said my name twice… tried to shoe the dog from the bed… and in a tired exasperated state of mind gave up and went back to the couch and fell asleep…. In my life… as long as I can remember… I have NEVER slept through someone entering a room, a door opening or closing anywhere in where I am sleeping… I have NEVER slept through someone speaking in the room … or a dog climbing up on the bed…

45 minutes after his attempt to come to bed… I … as is my habit unfortunately… bolted up in bed… not finding him there… and the inexplicable rage that comes with a full blown panic attack… which comes from finding you are not in the circumstance you think you are while asleep… found myself in the living room yelling at him … he tried to explain what had happened (Public Service Announcement: No one should ever ever ever try to have rational conversations whilst in the grasps of recent sleep… because they are never rational) to which I responded with complete disbelief .. because I don’t do that… I don’t sleep through things… and I certainly don’t want to start… I lay awake (mostly) from that point on … in complete terror that it was possible (which is of course the truth). I had taken Advil pm… the lack of aches… and the added sleep… along with all the other healthy things taking place in my life… less energy drinks… less coffee… less insecurity… less instability… less depression… less nightmares… less sleepless nights… less worries… had finally caught up with me… We fumbled through amends this morning… he kept making them… when in reality… this is all me… this mess is mine… he just wants me to sleep… he just wants to me to know I am safe enough to really sleep that deeply… His intentions are so amazing… and through tears… I had to tell him that I am choosing to hang onto this one thing… for now… My sleep pattern… because it is like a life line… it is irrational… irresponsible… and unfair of me… but it is what I want… So I have been awake since the wee hours of this morning… and I have already downed one energy drink.. and I am moving onto coffee… Maybe one day… but not this day….

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One Response to … I can’t keep living this way.

  1. Tamara says:

    I am trying to catch up on my reading and just found this. I can relate to your wanting to cling to the familiar even when it’s not healthy. I pray you can overcome this because you deserve so much more. I am glad you have Mr. Amazing to help you through! The right helpmate is a great blessing. :)
    Keep fighting for the life you deserve. I will be praying and looking for updates!

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