mama kats

It was four Saturday Mornings ago now… I have avoided writing this… because I don’t know what to say… and I don’t know what to feel… and I don’t think I can figure it out with out blogging it… and then this week’s writing prompts came via email from Mama Kat’s and I chose the prompt… and I’m going to tell you…The last thing I lost.

Saturday morning… lounging in bed… It was small child’s weekend to be at his dads… and Mr. Amazing got out of bed with smallest child… I reached for my IPad to scroll through Facebook .. Twitter…. fall back asleep… this is my routine… my phone rang…. I heard his panic not the words… I had to ask small child to repeat himself…. “Dad’s Not Breathing!!!”… I am out of bed… throwing on flip flops and racing for the door before he finishes telling me the ambulance is on the way… this is not a first time event unfortunately… this has happened twice before… when we were still married… I flash back to those times… angry that he is now putting his son through this as well… I pull into the trailer park that his dad resides in… with his new wife of three weeks!… I had spoken to him last night… he was happy again… it had been many years since he had been happy… addictions strip happiness from your soul… like marrow from the bone…. We had planned to attend small child’s recital this day… both families… his new one… and mine.

I pulled up to the end of a row of ambulance… a fire truck… and several police cars… and I text Mr. Amazing…. “No one is running”

and they weren’t running… or rushing… they were removing life saving equipment from the trailer… slowly… and taking in a stretcher…

I grabbed the closest officer … I explained who I was… I did not feel I had a right to be in that living space… I had divorced the man… I just wanted to let my son know I was outside… I wanted to know if he was okay….

His new wife came out… I hadn’t met her yet… She is pretty… we make our introductions to each other… and I ask “Is he okay?” she shakes her head no… “Do you want me to take the kids (meaning hers as well) while you ride in the ambulance”… she shakes her head no… “What hospital? “… No again…. “Is he dead?”  finally her head nods yes… she is unable to speak… she is not crying… I understand this… neither am I… Shock is a body’s self defense mechanism… and it is working in our favor right now…. “I need to see my son”… she nods again… “Do you want me to call someone for you?” she shakes her head no… and holds out her phone for me to see she has it…

I run in the trailer… glance around … how can they live like this?

I walk into my sons room… he is there with his new step siblings and his dog… god he loves that dog…. who will take the dog?

I tell them … and I reach for my son… and I hold him… and soon I am reaching for her daughter who is crying uncontrollably… and try to comfort her… but I am a stranger… small child is able to calm her… and speak to his step brother as well… whose face has tears on it… but devoid of all other expression.. and he makes not a noise… and I cry with them… for them.

I walk back outside… and to her again… She looks at me… and I ask if she has called his family… No, she does not know their number yet… she is embarrassed by this … I have their number memorized…. we were married 18 years…. I call my sons grandmother… Hearing this from one that would not stand by him any longer… The mother of their grandson… could not have been easy… but then again… is there ever any good way to hear that they have outlived their son?  I am the one who answers the officers questions… who his primary care physician is… what medications he is on… why… how long… I walk them away… I tell them the truth… far enough away that other ears will never hear it… but they know… we all know.

Tall child and her sweet baby, the tiniest child of all come spend that Saturday with us… and we spend the whole day on small child’s bed with him… just together.

The funeral is awful… planned by his new family who were strangers to most… Conducted by his  immediate family… who hadn’t really known him for years… Small Child was finally able to play his recital piece for his father… his urn set upon the piano… My heart almost burst through my chest with pride… I thought that was simply an expression… but it was a very physical feeling this day … The amount of people that love my son… my friends and family that were there to support me as I was there to support my son … amazed me… and I was so grateful…

In the days that follow… Small child and I make several more trips to that trailer… he wants his dads things…. fishing gear… camping gear… trophies… coins… everything they shared… and the new family lets him take it all…

Mr. Amazing was truly amazing… how do you comfort your wife and step son in a situation like that… how do you know how to move… talk… be.

He figured it out… and he cried as he told small child that he knew he wasn’t his dad… but that he loved him so very much.

I cry sometimes… at very event-less detached times….

Our 16th anniversary. Flowers delivered to me at the office

Our 16th anniversary. Flowers delivered to me at the office

When I don’t know why I am crying… I think those are those feelings of my own grief .. stuffed way down deep inside… I had spent more time with that man than any other person in my life… but our son… our son that we had together… will surpass those years… he is almost fourteen… and I have been with him all those years of his life… I will cling to him… I will be here for him.

I let him camp in the backyard in his dads tent and sleeping bag… I take him fishing with his dads tackle box… We fumbled through the stringing of the fishing pole together… we managed to get the tent up ourselves…. I will stand by him through this.

His dad showing him how to set up the tent.

His dad showing him how to set up the tent.

I have had many more conversations with his grandparents who will have to come to and done very well with the fact that I am the mother of their grandson… who is the spitting image of their son… and he will be a part of their lives.

With his parents at Tall Child's high-school graduation

With his parents at Tall Child’s high-school graduation

He misses his dog from his dads house… but he cuddles up at night with his dog at my house and knows that those other kids needed to keep the dog…

I take him to see them, and the dog, whenever he asks. No questions asked.

Biggest Firework Package ever! They lit off every single one together.

JohnathonAndDad

Pinewood derby car… He will always remember these days. I will help him

I know there is a very rough road ahead … this is our truth… we are standing in it.

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15 Responses to Something lost.

  1. Tamara T. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you and your family. But it sounds to me like you have a firm grasp on what’s important, your children. Their memories of the dad they loved will live on because you make it a point to breath life into them with your words. I am also so glad you have Mr. Amazing to help and support you all. God Bless you and your son. I will be praying for you all.

  2. Shell says:

    How very heartbreaking!

  3. michelle says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss! Prayers for you and your families.

  4. Oh my goodness how heartbreaking. Our best thoughts and prayers to all of you. I was crying like crazy reading this… I know what blended families are like – part of a few and know lots of varieties through friends, etc. None of this kind of stuff is easy. It’s all difficult, all awkward…what counts is how you all seem to be pulling for one another and doing whatever it takes for all to heal. God bless you all.

  5. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I truly cannot imagine the mix of emotions you’re going through, but you show amazing strength. Saying a prayer for all of you.

  6. Kat says:

    Oh my gosh, what an absolutely heart breaking phone call to get from your own son. I hope he’s able to talk to you or somehow share his feelings about what he went through with someone? Just so awful on all accounts. Thank you so much for sharing this and continuing to be such a pillar of strength for your son. Amazing.

    • Jenna Farelyn says:

      So moved by your story, grateful for your presence of mind and bravery. As a single mom with four kids with my ex, this is something I never hope to experience… yet it resonated with me because of the parallels. Thank you to MamaKat for sharing it in her writing prompts post today, that’s how I got to your site. Sending warm thoughts and comfort and courage to your family and even your Ex’s family.

      • Kerry says:

        Thank you so much for the support, Sharing this has really helped keep me in check. It helps knowing that people relate even if it isnt the exact circumstance of their own… and I tell you what… it helps me learn nothing is taboo to talk about… all those delicacies about death… I just trample them to try to get to the feelings that need some attention. Both mine and my sons

  7. So much heart, and caring into these beautiful words when each moment must have been dragging you through sadness and grief and loss of a different life …
    Thank you for sharing your words and your life story … so brave, so much love.

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