Articles for the Month of August 2014

That is all…

Sometimes my life feels like a broken record… It is the same thing over and over again… Stress at work, Deadlines to Convention,  lessons with kids, grocery shopping, “Do you have homework?”, “Stop Whining” “Did you practice?” “Are you lying” What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner?””Your dog wants outside” “When was the last time you pooped?” …  a lot of the time I find comfort in the security of it… other times I appreciate the consistency of people in my life… Once in a while I grow bored and restless… Sometimes I don’t want to go home at all… I just want to get in my car and drive… and find somewhere safe to get into a drunken stupor… alone…  Today is one of those days… Nothing is wrong… I am not angry or irritated with anyone… no one has done anything wrong… I just feel trapped. Trapped by the expected… sigh… I haven’t been blogging really regularly… and it has been ages since I really blogged about myself or anything going on with me other than the brief medical lesson we all got on CMV… I didn’t even go back to the doctor to finish out the progression of the virus… I just assume I got better… by assume I mean I quit caring…I don’t even know why I keep this blog… I don’t know today as I type this why I blog at all… I suppose out of everything I do… I am glad I do this… for whatever reason it makes me happy most of the time…. not today though…  I am lacking some sleep… I am lacking a clean home… and any free time at all that I find I usually find myself seated on the couch… surrounded by whomever is home… watching kids shows… or sci-fi… I haven’t painted in months… I did take an amazing vacation with my beautiful family just two weeks ago… maybe that is what this is… Lack of Beach Depression… I am pretty sure that is a thing.

I am turning 41 in 2 weeks…My small is a sophomore… There is enough dog hair on the floor of my house to create a large chinchilla… My bathrooms are disgusting… I constantly worry I am causing my marriage to fall apart by nagging and criticizing endlessly… I am feeling very detached…  I am pretty sure my small thinks I am an asshole most days… The next person that asks for something from me… whether it be a braid put in their hair… or where their “whatever is missing at that moment” is I am going to scratch my eyes out… These are the things that go through my mind… my mind that never ever ever shuts the hell up… I try to tell myself its not real… that I am grateful and so truly blessed… because I am…I have my job… I have my health… we all have our health… we have a roof over our heads… a good one… and food in our cupboards… plenty of it… I have good friends… the most amazing ones in the world… I have Mr. Amazing… who is never anything short of Amazing… I have gorgeous long flowing locks of hair? I am reaching here I know… I have that hairy shedding dog… for another year if I am lucky… he is getting so old… and I still just wanna kick everyone in the shins…


That is all


The last week of summer…

We hopped on a plane…
20140819_172417 That is morro rock behind me there!

20140816_104622-EFFECTSElephant seals on the beach!

20140817_085022Sweet Springs estuary!

20140818_121120 And ofcourse Bubble Gum Alley!


Today… We be Pirates!

I purchased it because my porch has a flag holder…. and well… that meant I needed a flag…. my cute nieces found it in the closet this weekend and asked why I had it and I told them when I was feeling adventurous… I post it outside…. so OFCOURSE we had to fly it immediately.


I posted about Robin Williams (Who played Peter Pan in Hook) Monday… and I have been reading so much of the conversations his death has given life too… The most common theme is that he felt alone… or that he was selfish… or any other number of misconceptions about suicide…. A good friend posted this on Facebook last night and it made everything come into perspective for me on the topic… I hope someone reads this and it helps

When it comes to suicide the late David Foster Wallace said it so exquisitely and prophetically…“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”



Condolences to the world…


Depression is such an asshole… Addiction is it’s lover… they go hand in hand as they travel through seas of “cheer up” “Just think positive” “Pray” and “What do you have to be depressed about”‘s … Reveling in a sadness and despondency that actually physically aches… wishing for anything to make it stop….I was shocked to hear about Robin Williams this evening… I was even more shocked at how deeply saddened I was… Like everyone else I feel like I have known him my entire life… I grew up with Mork and Mindy… I made it through some of the hardest parts of my teenage years with Dead Poets Society… Patch Adams made my year… I so deeply loved What Dreams May Come… regardless of its reviews about being depressing and strange… I thought it was so beautiful…. I LOVED him in insomnia, already being a Stephen King fan… when you add Robin Williams to that recipe I was in heaven… I raised my small and tall on Flubber, Aladin, Jumanji and ofcourse Hook! Toys was another one kinda unknown and I adored it… I decided to divorce my smalls father based on the line in Mrs Doubtfire “I do not like who I am when I am with you”… and like everyone else, though I didn’t know him, all I knew were these characters, I loved him.

My Heart is broken for his family… I have no words for how sorry I am for them and their loss….

Money, Fame, Fortune, Awards… Not enough… So when you wish for something outside of you to make you happy… realize it does not.

And most of all…. if you are hurting… if you are alone… if you are not safe… Please get help…

Suicide Prevention Hotlines: Please share.

You do not know what demons people have to fight

You do not know what demons people have to fight


Wickedly Lucky… Themesong Thursday

2014-08-06 08.46.50

I was gifted tickets to WICKED! I took small child with me… because I am the greatest mom in the whole widest world… and Mr. Amazing needed to spend time with smallest child 🙂

So this theme song seems appropriate for the week!


Mothers Curse? I think not.

mama katsWhat grade is your child going to be in?

Share a memory you have of yourself at that same age

Sophomore… he is going to be a freaking Sophomore…. Kill me dead…

I paid the registration fees this week… I almost killed over then and there… I took him to get his learners permit… which he failed… ha! Well… So did I the first time… and that is exactly where our similarities end…

My Sophomore year… I lost my virginity… I had already experimented in every known substance invented at the time…and continued to do so… I smoked camel cigarettes… I had half my head shaved and the half that still had hair was a strange blend of black and purple… with my blonde roots poking through it… I wore clothes with bullet holes in them and safety pins… I owned and lived in combat boots… I drew thick black lines around my eyes and powdered my face with white makeup… I owned and used liberally black lipstick…I frightened small children … I am giggling as I type this… I listened only to Depeche Mode, The Cure, OMD, Eurasure, Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd… and the sound track to Phantom of the Opera…I was taken out of the school that year… twice… by ambulance.

<Knocking on all the wood I can reach>

My Small is enrolled in Musical Theater, He is playing the Viola in the Orchestra, His favorite music is from the 50’s or The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Eagles, CCR, Three Dog Night… Everything I had never even heard of until he began to really discover his flavor of life. He has more manners in his little finger than I do in my entire being… and yet I keep taking the accolades for having such a polite young man… when the truth is he has taught me more about manners than I ever have him.

The mothers curse is such a common joke on social media… maybe my mother didn’t speak to me enough to utter the words… but I am screaming mine from the roof tops!


Smallest child is entering 3rd grade… 3rd graders tend to be assholes…I do not remember 3rd grade at all… but I will hold out the speaking of the curse words until her Sophomore year… just to be fair…  because she is definitely JUST LIKE Mr. Amazing… I would assume his mother cursed him multiple times.


I raised these…

Just Sayin’  (This is the infamous too old to visit and rarely photographed Tall Child, with Small Child)