mama kats

 Write about what it was like to live on your own for the first time.

I transitioned from my teen years into what I considered … and the state considered adulthood…. in a halfway house… Even though I was sharing a womans dorm with 5 woman (some fresh out of prison) I surely was on my own… I was the only one responsible for myself… but I don’t suppose that really counts… From there I rented the unfinished basement in my families home… I had my own entrance and my own car… again though… does not really qualify… shortly after that I entered the 18 year marriage that gave me small child… and again felt like I was living in someone elses home the entire time… We separated for 9 months prior to our divorce… I even changed the locks… but I still had small child and tall child in my care… or I in theirs … and we made yet another attempt at our home together… however short lived that was…  true aloneness didn’t set in until we finally filed for divorce… Tall child was in the dorms… and small child went for his first overnight visit with his father. I remember thinking I was 32 years old and for the first time ever… I was on my own.

After having spent so much of my life fending for myself, and being in so many other peoples homes (I bounced around alot as a teenager), honestly I had been more lonely in a room full of people than I ever felt when alone… you would think I would have been more prepared…

I could not stay in the house… I drove for 6 hours.. clear through the night until I was able to get small child back from his father and dreaded the next week when it would happen again… It did happen again… I slowly moved into drinking my way through his time with his father… ironically we divorced due to his fathers drinking and addictions… luckily I didnt use that coping method very long… I soon moved into throwing away anything that I didnt like in the house… and finally getting to really know myself… I chose my type of music to play when I did house work… I rearranged the furniture in a way I liked it better… I decorated with art that I saved up for and picked out myself… I painted… my god I painted so much… I joined a womans circle… I began to date after some time passed… I did that trip around the block… Thoroughly.

Funny how just as I finally learned how to be alone… and less self destructive… I remarried.

But that is a whole different subject.


Being on your own.. and being alone are two very different things in my book… I am glad I am not on my own… but I could do some more alone 🙂

2 comments on “Alone.

  1. Kat

    This is really interesting and so true when it comes to being alone versus feeling lonely. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have to get used to your child living away from you every other weekend…or however often. As parents we overwhelmed and often talk about needing a break, but it’s just that we want to be left alone for a minute, not that we want them to go away! You deserve some peace for sure!

  2. Kerry

    Thank you so much!