Free Falling…

Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

 Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

Looking for work when you don’t really want to work is hard…

I have always worked… always… since I was fifteen…I am turning 42 this month…  Im sure there were stretches I have forgotten about where I was between jobs for a month or two… but I cannot remember a single one… and I was with the company I just jumped ship from for almost 15 years… I am entering my 4th week of not going to work… It is time for me to get serious about doing something about that… I have gone on 4 or 5 job interviews now… nothing has felt right..either for them or me… <sigh> I am getting a little discouraged… which is funny because I am not desperate yet… Im worried I will get there… but I planned this well…

Here is the thing though… The filling out of applications is easy… submitting a resume … I have amazing skills… Its the interviews that are killing me. I feel like I am selling myself… which I understand I am… and I come out of those things terrified of two things… one.. that I didn’t sell myself well enough… and two… that I over did it and my days of laying in bed plunking away at my cute purple keys on my macbook air are over… I am torn with whether they should be or not.

So far… I have only not been the right candidate… or the job is not right for me… but I am going to have to decide what I am doing next…

I love being home … I love the alone time… I love the writing… I love the coffee sipping… bird listening… housework upkeep… the freedom… the lack of stress… but at the end of day I get the better of me and it ends with worthlessness… not earning my keep… gelatinous pile of netflix watching flesh

Today is September 1st… and I am feeling weepy… guilty… always always guilty… I think it’s my middle name… Guilty that Mr. Amazing is working his ass off… Guilty that I am home at a time when Small Child doesn’t need me to be… when he could have used me his entire life… until now.. he just gets up and drives himself to school…. guilty that I am not cleaning enough… or at all really … guilty for breathing… The wind is blowing outside… the sound of it against the windows is just enough to keep me from continuing down that flight of stairs inside my mind…

Oh... Look... No Make Up... Bags under eyes... Still fucking sexy.

Oh… Look… No Make Up… Bags under eyes… Still fucking sexy.

So here is the thing … For someone that has zero religion… I tend to believe that everything happens for a reason… and my life has always had a way of working out… very much despite my best efforts… now that doesn’t mean I dont need to do the footwork… and maybe it works out because I make the best out of whatever is given to me… Im not really sure… but I do know that even though I feel the need to constantly justify it… I am doing the right thing for me right now… which is pretty much nothing at all. There is a saying “Leap… and the net will appear” … Im working with out a net here people… I don’t even want one…FUCK the net…  so here I am… after the kamikaze yell… and the barrelling towards the edge of what I have always known… every time I choose to leap.

16 comments on “Free Falling…

  1. Mindy

    Don’t you historically hate September to begin with? I know that I get the same kind of feeling in and around June.
    Don’t beat yourself up, please. You will find what you need when you need it. And it will be perfect.

    1. Kerry

      Thanks Hon… That is what I am counting on.

  2. Telisha

    Seriously LOVE and adore this!
    Don’t berate yourself for some time to de-stress or unwind! Each day is filled with possibility but more than that a chance to reconnect with your self and not a working drone version of you will help you enter your new job (we know this period won’t last your far to fabulous) with energy, zest and joy.
    Ps. you are one hot sexy chick!

    1. Kerry

      LOL! Thank you!

  3. Cookie Wife


    1. Kerry

      Bahahaha! hell I am not cleaning my own carport!

  4. Cookie Wife


  5. Kerry

    No… You Make me a SAMMICH!

  6. Headstrong Damsel

    I have been in a very similar place ( and I know how frustrating it can be. Especially when the self doubt kicks in, the what if I NEVER find something?. All I can say is something my Nanny used to tell me. When it gets dark and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, just focus on the next step, and then the next. You’ll see the light eventually, it is always there.

    1. Kerry

      Love that!

  7. Jenn

    I’m kind of where you are except that I am NOT looking for a job.
    Because I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

    Unless there is a job where I can read books all day and drink coffee. Then that is what I want to be.

    Seriously, my husband travels a lot, and right now, with my kids 9 & 11, it’s easier if I’m at home. I still feel guilty that I have a cleaning service twice a month, because really, I should be able to keep up (but I suck at it.) I’m hoping that by the time the kids are in high school I will have figured things out!

    1. Kerry

      I love that! Believe me.. I will never work so many hours again… I’m thinking eventually… I will do less of something is all. LOL

  8. Kat

    Being self employed, I fall into some really slow months where we’re meeting ends meet, but not much beyond that. I try to tell myself to enjoy the quiet, knowing it will likely get busy again…but it’s easier said than done. I don’t know how to lose that feeling like I need to be earning my keep and it’s exactly like you describe. Sometimes you feel like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I hope you’re able to enjoy moments of this time off!

    1. Kerry

      Thanks! I start a four week consulting gig tomorrow… Very much part time… Maybe self employment is the answer for me as well?

  9. Abby

    This was a great insightful post. Love the “gelatinous pile of netflix watching flesh”.
    I’ve had similar feelings. Self employment is a nice balance!

    1. Kerry

      Thank you!!! Its kind of an amazing feeling to just hang out and see what happens next 🙂