Influenza… Diverticulitis… SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) … Or Sad – Since the first of December… I just haven’t really been sure.
I remember clearly being about 12 years old… and in the car with my mother… and turning to her and saying the words I had been scared to speak up until that point.
“Something is wrong with me”
She kind of blew it off.. told me there wasn’t anything wrong… She was wrong. I remember thinking it was cancer, or possibly another disease, but the sense of dread and ache in my body was very real to me, and I was sure death was imminent… because I wasn’t responding and flourishing in life like those around me.
I have battled crippling depression most of my life. (Yes, I said crippling, Yes, it is a strong word. Yes it is the truth)
Flash Forward 32 Years
Mr Amazing: Are you okay?
Me: I don’t know
Mr Amazing: Are you sick?
Me: I cant tell if I am really sick…. or just sad.
Mr Amazing: That’s a strange thing to say… even for you. I think you are both.
44 years old… The symptoms are so much the same that I am not sure my body even knows the difference. Aches… over my whole body… the desire to stay in bed all day under my weighted blanket (Which is divine btw. if you have not tried them) an upset stomach… not really sleeping at night after laying so still all day… appetite swings all over the place to I have zero interest in food… to I want to eat comfort food.
So I did what I have done all of my adult life since those dark days… I got up… I got dressed… I forced myself to call a friend… I tried to paint… I tried to watch a movie… I listened to some music.
I had the flu… which I am now waiting for the CT scan to come back with Diverticulitis because it has been 8 weeks of the flu
Mr Amazing is right though… I think it may be a little of both… I have to keep myself in check… Not fall down the rabbit hole so to speak.
I lost someone that I loved… someone that believed in me when I did not. He never once treated me like there was something wrong with me. (Hence Mr. Amazing thinking I was sad)
So whether or not, it is the weather or not. Seasonal Affective Disorder… Or Flu Season.
I am taking care of myself… VERY begrudgingly… but doing it none the less.
I sincerely hope everyone is doing the same… So much love and light out there.