Finding my way back…

Funny… as I use this blog more regularly through this than I have in years and year… that today I will use it to find my way back to a happier me. I am not going to spend a great deal of time rehashing my current unhappiness… I think it is self explanatory… I am also not going to rehash my life long battle with depression… that can also be found on this blog… yes… exploring all of those things are in here… self reflection is wonderful… a talent I have forgotten.

There are many things I have found through my life that work… that bring me peace. The only one of them I have been doing is painting… and it dawned on my last night… as I was painting… that there was something I could do right now… without waiting for anyone else… or anything else to happen… and that was to embrace gratitude

So without further ado… here is what I am grateful for at this moment:

Pizza (its my favorite- Ordered in for dinner last night… finished for breakfast this morning)

Charlie Bosephus Princess Fluffy Bottom – My side kick… my daytime companion… she isnt really affectionate… but she does like my body heat … So she sleeps between my legs all day long and well… she is just the cutest thing on the planet to set eyes on…

See I am at a point that I have to grab the closest things possible to be grateful… but now that the state of mind is setting in… I can stretch a little further… This blog… I love it… it truly is me…

The roof over my head… and the residents I share it with… no matter how much we annoy each other… no matter how much I love alone time and solitude… I love them… and am so grateful for them.

My addiction to painting and street art… it is the only service I currently give. I need to do more service at home… under this roof… because I am not currently behaving like I am grateful for them… today I will find a way to serve them all (The cats, the kiddo, mr amazing… and myself)

My health… I know it has been the biggest source of my angst… but it could be worse… and honestly… its not so bad

My Small, My Tall, My Tinies… This goes without saying

My friends… soul families… and sometimes even my blood family

New books… as the prequel to the Hunger Games came out today… and I fully intend to read it… beginning today.

Nature… an all it encompasses… the good… the bad… the scary… ugly… and the beauty.

So I am looking to heal…. gratitude is the start… but from this list I see many things I could do… on the daily… to improve my life… Sooooo im not really a goal setter… but here goes… Small bite sized goal

Today (no promise of tomorrow) I will show my gratitude for each of these things… I will find a way to thank my house family… to serve them… I will reach out to my out of house group… and remind them I love them… I will speak to one friend/soul family… I will spend a moment in nature… outside of my car… I will start that book… I will do something around this house I am grateful for… and something to stretch this body… that I am grateful for.

I sincerely hope with all of my being that whomever reads this … has a good day… and if not today… know that some day… some eventual tomorrow… will look different than this… and be grateful for all of it.

The New Normal…

I hate the phrase… yet you cannot hear a news story with out it… sometimes it feels like people are trying to find a way to work it into a sentence I swear… but then yesterday I did a thing… and I had no other phrase to use as I tossed and turned all night long trying to make sense of things in my head.

Let me start this story by saying this… Sewing is against my religion

But… The New Normal… sigh

I bloodied a lot of fingers
My youngest grandchild’s and my matching masks
I made one for all of my kids.
and distance delivered… cause the new normal šŸ™
Literally threw them from my car like I had a T shirt gun or I was Trump with paper towels.

it took me hours… half of them didn’t fit… I was still proud. I take a LOT of pictures… I mean a LOT. I love them… and I love to finish an adventure and then flip through them… and when I got home and laid on the couch… again… cause thats the new normal… I notice something in the photos…

Their eyes reminded me of their reaction…. Two weeks ago my house donned masks for the first time… we made masks (no sew version) as the CDC recommended and put them on..

We did not know how to make them… they were uncomfortable… but we did it… it was an exercise in feeling less helpless… we weren’t sure how to even put them on

We drew them on our favorite disney characters… used hoodies in stead…

Finally wore them when we went out for Easter Window coloring/Jellybean delivery

But what I didn’t realize is that these littles… were so little… that this new normal… is normal for them… and they were so happy to get masks… and didn’t even question having to wear them… they donned them instantly… in fact… they looked terrified to not have them on once they had them. The eyes of my Granddaughter haunted me all evening afterwards… and I reached out to a friend… and her mother to talk about it… because my heart was sick… and sad… I didn’t want them to feel that way.

They told me “Its not scary to them… Its kind of cool and fun to wear them… plus their Grandma made it for them… which makes it even better.” Something about that rang true to me… They weren’t scared… it was more about my sadness than theirs… even if their eyes are haunted. They aren’t haunted by the masks… they’re haunted by the panic in us. They are just trying to do anything to make that better.

Knowing I hadn’t scared them didn’t make me feel much better… I am still sad… but it did make me realize we have to do this… we can do this. I need those kids… and myself to be okay… I need to wrap my arms around them again… and cover their faces in kisses… I need to get close enough to tell them I love them… instead of using sign language through windows. This new normal is something I have to acclimate to… so we can get there.

As the world is losing their minds… protesting in large numbers… the stay at home orders… that aren’t even being enforced… but highlighted by right wing nut jobs (Our president specifically) I am back in my home… tucked into my couch desk… typing this taking is solace in the only thing I can. Love. I love them so much…. Love and the fact that this too shall pass… it is what it is.

One day soon I will make those haunted eyes lighten with laughter and excitement again… one day soon I will hold them… even if it is with masks on and we wash our hands after… and we don’t touch our faces… Soon.

“It’ll be okay, Mom” – thats what tall child told me. Today I am going to believe her.

The Sun is a daily reminder, that even after the darkest night… we will rise and shine again.

Quarantined 2020

So it seems to me… I would have thought about blogging more as this all started… but I didn’t… in fact… i’m in the second week of this… and it just now occurred to me I may want to document some of this for future generations… So I start by saying this… good morning! The government wants to throw your parents into a volcano because people canā€™t hang out at Starbucks…

So those of us that can… are working from home… I bought a hospital bed table as a desk… only fitting

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Why yes that is a giant cat tree in the background for Princess Fluffy Bottom Charlie Bosephus

If you happen to be my friend on Facebook… which you can only do if I know you in real life… much of this will be a repeat… but that’s what you get … you should’ve expected it if you know me in real life. Just saying… We humans are not the only ones losing our shit… overheard this morning in the kitchen from this fancy office of mine:
Smallest Child: You’re feeding them again?
Mr Amazing: Cats eat more when they are so insecure… its been a rough week.
Smallest Child: Awwwww poor baby! Don’t worry Shadow… you’re beautiful… you too charlie!!!
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHA
Mr Amazing: Food insecurity??

Apparently I do have very clear memories of living in Agoura California… the morning of the 19th of March I hopped in my car to check on my fairy city before work… when a pretty good earthquake rocked my car… I waited and when it stopped I went ahead and started to back out… thinking… no big deal… when my family came running outside terrified… and I realized… they had no idea what was happening… and I was business as usual … Wanna know a secret? I started nightly check ins with my adult kids over a weeks ago when I became a shut in… and itā€™s the best thing Iā€™ve ever done.Ā šŸ¤£šŸ˜‚Ā highlight of my day. An earthquake… I couldn’t make this shit up guys… So that is the fear spoken of with my tinies.
I present an example-

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The earthquake prompted this public service announcement- I mean we have been drilling for this my whole life…. now the pandemic? thats a different story

<Uses cat carrier as a soap box> Well… That was disaster number… dude Iā€™ve lost count… since my Grandpa Eccles died… right before he passed away he talked to me about space food and space water as I was a newly single mom and he wanted me to be prepared … he was a Scouting enthusiast and wanted me to be able to take care…. when the refinery exploded we evacuated without the super duper amazing 72 hour kit I had finally bought at his recommendation… when the pipes froze and the wind took out our power for a week … it sat in the closet forgotten… Corona virus prep- food and water bought- tasers ordered!!! it was still in the closet…. today the earth shook… and though it wasnā€™t HUGE and we had no property damage or anything- we prepared – we drilled- I demanded we review safety- and meeting places- water bottles put in the car… and granola barsĀ šŸ˜¬Ā no 72 hour kit though… Until now… as things have calmed down to the normal pandemic hysteria… we pulled it out… made sure it was up to date… and planned a little better… we also built princess fluffy bottom and shadow man an emergency kit… just In case… so use this time to be grateful… and remember all the things you forgot… we can do this guys! If my Grandpa could get me thinking that way… anyone can prepare-AND put together a pet emergency kitĀ šŸ™‚Ā wanna know how to quiet your anxiety? Have a plan. <drops mic like Moroni trumpet drops and puts the carrier by the door>

Yes – The Salt lake city Temple Moroni lost his trumpet… it was kinda the inspiration to some of the greatest puns and memes of all time and space LOLOL.

So many things happened as we were preparing to believe what was coming was really coming Covid-19, the outbreak… now pandemic… you will have to read what happened elsewhere… but since I am SUPER immune compromised… the BFG insisted I quarantine earlier than everyone was made too… which we are in the midst of watching happen now… and well Sundays just arent magic without these guys… social distancing sucks… but Iā€™m grateful for for video chat… and filtersĀ šŸ˜Ā love them sooooo much.

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Tall Child – The best mom I have ever had the honor of watching raise her 4 babies.
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She has 3 Boys!!!
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AND My baby girl!

We Leprechauned… and Set up Fairy City… and well…. I will have to share those happy stories when I am feeling more happy… right now I am just missing my people šŸ™ Out of town visits planned before theĀ #coronavĆ­rusĀ – let us demonstrateĀ #socialdistancing

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Small Child and Danielle … Yes… thats my baby boy who at 2 years old made up the word Smiffbib…. then he got all 20 and shacked up with his girlfriend (who I adore btw) and well Smiffbib.

March 12th this isolation from work began… I left as much love and light as I had that day… and I know the world will look COMPLETELY different after this… if I am lucky enough to come out the other side… I will be happy… but honestly guys… if not… im good. I mean… not that I want to give up or anything… but the acts of kindness … the sheer beauty of the human spirit that rises up and shows itself when this happened… well… im so very proud to be part of it… and part of this race… and guys… it will get better… we can do better… always… but damn… im so proud.

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Okay- thats all for now. Understand this when I say. I am good. I have experienced more love… more hope… more joy… than any one person deserves. This life is beautiful and terrible and then beautiful again. I am here for it as long as it will have me… but if I had one thing I had to say today it is this… I LOVE YOU… I just fucking LOVE you… so much… people are good… so good… and we are such beautiful creatures of hope and kindness and curiosity… dont let anything take that from you… now… go do something… literally anything… to make things better. I Love you

Just a note from this ARTIST!

Sooooo 9 days ago I blogged for the first time in a long time… if you want to call it that…. I do, Obviously.

I talked about my latest street art project… and then I went into work later that week…. and was laid off.

I literally was explained to that I had succeeded myself right out of a job.

My Small graduates in 1 week.

Cue the midlife crisis already in full swing… into a fucking hurricane force frenzy.

So I did what anyone would do…. I got angry…. and then I got sad…. and then I drank wine…. and drunk tweeted.

Then I went thru the self loathing phase…. (Its been only 4 days …. all these things happened)

Then I applied for a DBA Licence…. and got it…. Fairy City is no longer just a hashtag.

Oh? But I didnt stop there…. Without even batting an eye…. I applied to be in the artists alley at our little towns art festival.

Application was accepted….

You know I always thought I’d write stories rather than live them….. And I always thought Smiffbib would be my go to name…. But Smiffbib will be my writing muse… and Fairy City my painting muse…. and I think I probably ought to stop typing and start painting… because I have approximately 2 months to get an entire collection together and ready to sale….

Adventure On Folks…. Light and Love to anyone who stumbles across this madness.

Seek Magic Everyday.

And then… Somewhere in the Midst of the Crazy… I remembered I had a Blog

Sooooo I think I only remember to write when I think I am dying…. So naturally this blog post comes after yet another nasty bout of infections …. Kidney and Sinus…. See my previous posts about CMV and learning I have no antibodies…. but I realized that I have shared my latest (Over the last year) fascination with street art…. and Ive posted so much about my #FairyCity and Fairy doors… well… this year I managed a #ThoughtBubble series… and its been all kinds of fun… Here are some of the pieces.

It has been so fun to place these and watch the few people ive caught looking at them… I ofcourse enjoy painting them more than anything else… But the real story of the year continues to be the magic happening behind the library here in town…. it has slowly become a community art project… people are adding to my little fairy city… home made fairies… rearranging the magic back there… upkeeping it for me… and well…. Its kind of magic.

 

I have so much more to say but its been so long since ive pulled out my old friend to write on that it has a million updates to install and is about to restart itself upon finishing its OS update… So I will leave this here for now…. But I am here! and I feel my time to write is resurfacing…. Love Love Love!

However Tenuous the Connection….

 

The Light and Shade ChallengeĀ 

The Challenge is to take whatever is sparked by the picture and/or the quotation, however tenuous or remote the connection, and see how much fun you can have in 500 words.

 

However Tenuous and Remote the connection…. When I looked at this image I saw a doorway to another place and time…. Archways often feel this way to me… Another thought sparked is Street Artists… The spray paint on the walls remind me of this…. the charm of the cobble stone street… the age of the trees…. the stone retaining wall…. everything about it is stark and with the lighting of the sky… quite dismal…. But somewhere under those ages trees and fallen leave is some magic… a portal to another world…

Here in my neck of the woods…. and well… Ive been shipping them all over (Even internationally) I have started a street art project… and honestly… its why I havent been writing… Just til sprinkler season šŸ™‚ On instagram using the hashtag #FairyCity you will find these little reminders that magic does exist… and the smallest of gestures can change the world in big ways…. and that the world is not always dreary as it seems….

Thank you to my friends at the light and shade blog…. I love the prompts… Im sorry I havent been participating… but I have been watching and reading… while painting šŸ™‚

 

Like Disappearing Reappearing Ink… Kinda

Soooo I havent blogged again… by now if you read my blog you know that if I am not blogging I am painting…. and its Fairy Season…. Hence the Disappearing act…. but you guys… so much magic is happening… SOOOO MUCH! I would encourage you to follow me on instagram which is where I am posting this madness of a street art project… because seriously… Im @SMIFFBIB ofcourse…. at least check out the hashtag Fairy City

 

Dress for the position you want…. So I did!

Ā Tell us about the last time you dressed up.

When I quit my job over a year ago … I threw out anything and everything that I had forced myself to wear and be to fit into the mold I had gotten myself trapped in… and then Magic happened… Yes I am 43…. Yes I wear this tomfoolery to the new office… Its kinda magic.

Soooo I have a bit of a love affair with my clothes – Meet my Totoro collection

This fancy ensemble was my second Alice In Wonderland dress…. and man did I ever rock it!

May the 4th with my HUGE Small.

Oh! a Tardis Dress? Yes please! annnnnd if you look close at the weird position of my feet for picture taking reasons…. those are R2D2 socks

My first and FAVORITE Alice in Wonderland Dress – This one I need to have taken in… Im not willing to let it go… even though it is too big now

My Homemade Freddy Krueger outfit… I was going to meet him! It was a special occasion! Look at his MOOBS!

See! This happened!

 

A little Jack Skellington at the Symphony… As you can see I was not the only one dressed up

This was my actual Halloween costume for the office… I dressed up normal. It made everyone uncomfortable actually.

I leave you to be inspired by these Ariel shoes… because like the shirt says… Mermaids have more fun!

 

Merry Musings of a seasonally affected Mind.

Write a blog post inspired by the word: Merry.

(and just like that, like I didn’t take a year off from the writers workshop… here is my post.)

I love the word Merry! To be Merry is to be cheerfulā€¦ light-heartedā€¦carefreeā€¦joyfulā€¦ joyousā€¦ festive ā€¦happyā€¦ gleeful!

Proverbs 17:22 saysĀ  ā€œA merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.ā€

Thatā€™s one of the reasons I love to decorate for Christmas (andĀ  all the seasons for that matter)ā€¦it creates a merryā€¦joyfulā€¦.and festive atmosphereā€¦.and thatĀ kind of atmosphere is good for us!Ā Beauty inspires! Beauty lifts our spirit! We could all use some of that right now… Ā It refreshes us.

This Tradition of crazy amounts of red and green decor… Ā It can give us a positive outlook on life…Ā Itā€™s a way of celebrating the light in the darkest part of our year…Ā Seasonal depression hits for me… like clockwork… the day after Halloween.

I can feel my shoulders slack and my mood weaken. November is usually busy enough to stave off the desperation that will hit later… thankfully… But the fear and paranoia are there: The sun is setting before 5 p.m. and one night spent bored and alone in the gathering dark might pull me under permanently… and honestly it is something I force myself Ā to keep going to do all the things all the way through the 21st of December… when suddenly my brain magically starts to believe it…. and I feel good again…

I have depression all year… It bobs up like a buoy, sneakily but regularly…I become reclusive… because showing my face when I feel awful inside is deceitful… I frequently believe my depression isn’t real… or my anxiety is from lack of sleep… so I end up feeling worse about both.

If you find yourself scrolling these pictures of Snowman Bathrooms and Painted windows (yes yes… I did all that magic LOL) let me remind you… Our environment and the atmosphere around us can effect our emotions… and our emotions can affect our physical health. Dr. Don Colbert says ā€ How you feel in your heart can show up in your body, for your heart and body are more powerfully connected than you have ever realized.ā€Ā  So even the tiniest bit ofĀ  candle glow or sparkle here and there can remind us thatĀ the days will start becoming longer again… and the sun will return…. life will come back to the frozen ground and trees… and the earth will be Merry again!

ā€œThe hollyā€™s up, the house is bright,

the tree is ready, the candles alight. ā€œ~German Carol

 

 

Iā€™m dreaming of a white Christmas,
just like the ones I used to know
May your days be merry and bright,
and may all your Christmases be white! ~Irving Berlin 1942

 

Annnnnnnd…. Now to take it all down again šŸ™‚

 

Still Painting… This might have to be it for my blog …

Sooo Im doing things a bit differently this September… 1 im not getting peehole cancer… well thats the plan at least… I had a scope done for my 43rd birthday… and well… there were spots… so I am starting the longest antibiotic treatment thus far in my life to try and fix them… if it does not work after 30 days… we will cut that shit out… literally…. LOL

I gave up the nicotine… finally…. no patches… no gum… look ma no hands.

I started exercising. a little. today I am typing this instead of exercising….

And I have painted…. this thing…. Here it is from different views… its huge… I love it.

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I have not written at all….

Fuck writing.

Fini!

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