I have never…

I have never written so little in my life…

I have never gone so long without blogging…

I have never been more sure that it will most likely continue for a while longer… or not… Im not really sure whats next… Today I am checking in…

I suppose that is better than checking out.

Here is a brief captioned visual run down of the last month

Sooo Let me digress slightly to let you know that Small Childs birthday was good... all he wanted was to spend time with Mr Amazing... and  we made it so.

Sooo Let me digress slightly to let you know that Small Childs birthday was good… all he wanted was to spend time with Mr Amazing… and we made it so.

These two... I seriously cannot even handle the emotion happening to my face right now...

These two… I seriously cannot even handle the emotion happening to my face right now…

That day in Park City though I had a weird thing happen... where I couldnt breath really well... and my eyes burned.... Two days later I woke up with Pink Eye

That day in Park City though I had a weird thing happen… where I couldn’t breathe really well… and my eyes burned…. Two days later I woke up with Pink Eye

It seemed like the appropriate way to celebrate the birth of Tall Childs GIRL!! A GIRL!! (a healthy crying one!)

It seemed like the appropriate way to celebrate the birth of Tall Childs GIRL!! A GIRL!! (a healthy crying one!)

She was greatly rejoiced and welcomed into the world by all her siblings... but not me... because.. Pink Eye

She was greatly rejoiced and welcomed into the world by all her siblings… but not me… because.. Pink Eye

The very next morning Mr Amazing left for Germany and Prague (Business Travel)

The very next morning Mr Amazing left for Germany and Prague (Business Travel)

He Humored me by taking selfies....

He Humored me by taking selfies….

Because two weeks is a long time to be gone from me.... He missed me...

Because two weeks is a long time to be gone from me…. He missed me…

Obviously

Obviously

Then shit hit the fan... Newest tiny addition got sick... very sick at just a few days old...

Then shit hit the fan… Newest tiny addition got sick… very sick at just a few days old…

After an ambulance ride and a horrible spinal tap... Meningitis was diagnosed... It was horrible.

After an ambulance ride and a horrible spinal tap… Meningitis was diagnosed… It was horrible.

But then she opened them!!! And it was all caused by a virus...

But then she opened them!!! And it was all caused by a virus…

A contagious virus

A contagious virus

Pause the drama for some of this... I loved the movie!!!

Pause the drama for some of this… I loved the movie!!!

So much so that because I was so sick I found time to paint finally

So much so that because I was so sick I found time to paint finally

Harley isnt done yet... I still need to crazy her up

Harley isnt done yet… I still need to crazy her up

Little Miss Thing got better slowly... She is three almost four weeks old now.

Little Miss Thing got better slowly… She is three almost four weeks old now.

My Eyes cleared up... Im still struggling with other symptoms... which is leading me to a Urologist who specializes in Oncology on Monday... Yeah... Mic Drop.

My Eyes cleared up… Im still struggling with other symptoms… which is leading me to a Urologist who specializes in Oncology on Monday… Yeah… Mic Drop.

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But until then... Ill continue wearing my R2D2 socks with my tardis dress to the office like I dont have a care in the world.

But until then… Ill continue wearing my R2D2 socks with my tardis dress to the office like I dont have a care in the world.

Zips still alive. Fini!

Zips still alive.
Fini!

Down the Rabbit Hole….

So… as previously mentioned in multiple posts… I set off on the first of August on a new adventure… I quit my 15 year career… I since then have contracted and then was added to the payroll at another company… that pays me enough to stay comfortable… and I work only part time hours… I discussed at great length how this was going to free me up to follow all kinds of dreams and ambitions…. at the top of that list was writing… which I did quite a bit of in the beginning…. but seriously… as of late I have simply disappeared… I have done this time to time over the years of blogging… but never when I have had so much free time… I haven’t been writing at all recently… not on my blog… not on my other projects… and well… even though I don’t write for anyone other than myself… I feel like I am doing things wrong if I am not writing…. so let me write about what I have been doing instead…

Ive been cooking…. shut the fuck up… me cooking! Lots actually!

I have given up coffee (for the most part)… which is really one of the most defining characteristics of my personality… my love of coffee

I have gotten closer to my smalls… my tinys … and even Mr. Amazing.

I have done quite a bit of housework… but not as much as I should (seriously… not enough LOL)

I have lost 30 pounds… at least… I actually am going to weigh myself again today at the doctors… Its probably closer to 40 but I dont keep a scale here…

Just from not emotional binge eating…. cause I sure as shit haven’t been exercising… maybe that will come next…

I’ve joined a Meditation Circle/Book Club for spirituality. (Highly Recommend – Spiritual Growth – Being your higher self – By Sanaya Roman)

I’ve painted… my god… have I painted… infact its really the only reason I am blogging today… because I set some goals for my self to be able to escape into my paint room for the day… and that was to shower… clean up… pluck that overgrown chin hair… and write before I let myself go in there… So it is 7:45 am and here I am crossing that off my list… ha!

Let me show you some of what i’ve been working on…

I did this one for my small (now 16 year old) child - these are 4 by 4 block canvas and they were a lot of fun

I did this one for my small (now 16 year old) child – these are 4 by 4 block canvas and they were a lot of fun

This was my practice run for print transfer... I did it for my favorite red head on the planet

This was my practice run for print transfer… I did it for my favorite red head on the planet

This one was for smallest child... I told her I would add to it as she read more of the series

This one was for smallest child… I told her I would add to it as she read more of the series

Dis one was for my best friend... cause you know... we are mad LMAO

Dis one was for one of my closest friends… cause you know… we are mad LMAO

This is my Alice Set... I did this one for myself... these are 6 x 6 block canvas

This is my Alice Set… I did this one for myself… these are 6 x 6 block canvas

These were for my cute tinys

These were for my cute tinys

and last but not least…. the other day Small child was looking at pictures hung in the the hallway … and said “You’ve changed so much Kerry! Your hair used to be black and short and curly… now its lighter and all kinds of colors and soooo long and straight… and your face… its smaller too!”

So here is my smaller face in bed as I type this… ha! because seriously… like im gonna get dressed before I paint!

(Im putting it down here because no one ever really reads to the end…. right?)

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You had me at hello…

mama kats List your top 5 favorite romance movies

I have a little bit of a different outlook on love and marriage I think… I dont know if it is a good one or a bad one… I will say that I am currently happily married to my second husband… If you follow this blog at all you have surely been sickened by my outpouring of love and affection for Mr Amazing… But I also think that love isnt enough to make a marriage work or last… and I also believe that we have more than just love going for us… I give this little preamble to my list because where I find romance the most is in my deepest moments… So that being said…

1- Mrs Doubtfire…. I know it sounds crazy… but this is the movie that finally convinced me I was going to have to end my 18 year marriage with Small’s’ father… The line “I don’t like who I become when I am around you” is finally what did it for me… and I worked through what came next… It was one of the most loving things for both of us that I had ever done.

2. Tara Road – The Holiday was the remake of this and is good, but if you can see the original Tara Road is one of the most moving movies ever… It really explores all of confusing things middle age has brought me

3. Avatar – Yes the blue people movie… maybe I think this is romantic because it is one of the first movies I saw with Mr. Amazing… maybe it is because I love the “I see you” … but the whole sex scene in front of the tree does it for me

4. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind – This absolutely goes without saying.

5 – Boys on the side – This is one of the sweetest movies of all time… it covers all kinds of relationships with all kinds of people… but love is the resounding theme.

 

And thats my list!

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Furiously Happy… Ridiculously Revealing

October is National Book Month, tell us about the best book you’ve read so far this year.

I ordered it months ago… I had almost forgot it was coming… I quit watching the hilarity ensue about it online… I was not in the mood…

I did attend the online book release however.

I did attend the online book release however.

And then I read it… and I read it as what appeared to be the last sliver of my ovary that I have left seem to be making a last ditch effort to relive my rebellious teenage years… and it hated everyone…myself included.

and amid all the hate I loved the book… I loved everything about it.. and I read it when it was a very hard time for me to read it… and I read it because it was a very hard time for me.

If you live under a rock… and have never heard of the Bloggess… I am happy and sad for you

Sad because… my god that woman is funny… and says things that I didn’t know how to say… literally gave me words to speak.

Happy because… I like to think of myself as special and unique and not just a rabid fan.

so read the book… you will be better for it… or don’t read it… so I can think I am better than you (Not really people… read the book)

If you do not relate to it… Keep the words close to you… there will come a time that you are left speechless… and the words will be right there.

Furiously Happy – By Jenny Lawson – The best book I have read so far this year!

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Angel Fall… and now I can’t sleep.

 

Soooo let me just insert an excerpt of what I tried to fall asleep too last night….

The streets have turned desolate and empty of people. We are out of the aerie district and in the demolished zone. Miles of burnt-out car husks and wrecked buildings flow by. The wind whips my hair around my face as we drive through the charred and broken skeleton of our world.

That was the happy ending I stayed up late to try to get too…. anything to erase the fear building up inside of me during the climax of the story…

But I am getting too far ahead of myself…. Let’s go back…

I am ALWAYS on the look out for my next book… I’ve read everything… every genre… (Other than that 50 shades stuff… don’t get me started on that again… but you can always read my thoughts on it here.)

But lately… much like the rest of the world … the world according to Amazon Kindle anyways… I have been reading a lot of pre & post  Apocalyptic crap lately… This of course was started by the Hunger Games series that rocked all of our socks….

I’ve read all the vampire series… even really horrible ones…. supernatural this and that… crossed… matched… reached…. the uglies… the pretties…  all of the Giver books… the list is endless… I of course take some breaks in this to keep my mind from melting into a pile of goo and read something with more… oomph? such as 12 years a slave… the invention of wings… brain on fire was a super intense read…. okay… I digress… regardless of how it came about I purchased and began to read Angel Fall by Susan Ee… Sunday morning before the Super Bowl… I finished it last night… and let me just tell you… from the chick that laughs her way through horror flicks with a glass of wine… this was bone chilling and terrifying…

I LOVED IT!

Here is a brief synopsis

It’s been six weeks since angels of the apocalypse descended to demolish the modern world. Street gangs rule the day while fear and superstition rule the night. When warrior angels fly away with a helpless little girl, her seventeen-year-old sister Penryn will do anything to get her back. Raffe is a warrior who lies broken and wingless on the street. After eons of fighting his own battles, he finds himself being rescued from a desperate situation by a half-starved teenage girl.

Sounds cheesy right? I thought so too… but I ventured forth anyways… with in the first chapter I am lost in the book…

and as I devoured the book… which was unlike anything I have read before… regardless of the familiar feeling synopsis… I several times stopped and googled the author trying to find out what kind of woman comes up with this stuff…. It was amazing…

terrifying…. gruesome…Not “Saw 1-million (or however many they made)” gruesome… (I laughed through those as well) but truly horrifying…

the story line is awesome

the characters are so unique…

I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone under the age of 16… but I am a prude when it comes to that… If they have played COD or WOW… this will be G-rated in comparison…

Soooo in a horribly all over the place book review… with really no focus thanks to the lack of sleep for fear of the swirling angel vortex… you have my 5 star recommendation… READ IT! .. DISCUSS below!

Brought to you by Mama Kats awesome prompt for a BOOK REVIEW!!

mama kats

 

Condolences to the world…

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Depression is such an asshole… Addiction is it’s lover… they go hand in hand as they travel through seas of “cheer up” “Just think positive” “Pray” and “What do you have to be depressed about”‘s … Reveling in a sadness and despondency that actually physically aches… wishing for anything to make it stop….I was shocked to hear about Robin Williams this evening… I was even more shocked at how deeply saddened I was… Like everyone else I feel like I have known him my entire life… I grew up with Mork and Mindy… I made it through some of the hardest parts of my teenage years with Dead Poets Society… Patch Adams made my year… I so deeply loved What Dreams May Come… regardless of its reviews about being depressing and strange… I thought it was so beautiful…. I LOVED him in insomnia, already being a Stephen King fan… when you add Robin Williams to that recipe I was in heaven… I raised my small and tall on Flubber, Aladin, Jumanji and ofcourse Hook! Toys was another one kinda unknown and I adored it… I decided to divorce my smalls father based on the line in Mrs Doubtfire “I do not like who I am when I am with you”… and like everyone else, though I didn’t know him, all I knew were these characters, I loved him.

My Heart is broken for his family… I have no words for how sorry I am for them and their loss….

Money, Fame, Fortune, Awards… Not enough… So when you wish for something outside of you to make you happy… realize it does not.

And most of all…. if you are hurting… if you are alone… if you are not safe… Please get help…

Suicide Prevention Hotlines: Please share.

You do not know what demons people have to fight

You do not know what demons people have to fight

 

Captain America?? Yes Please

I know that this is supposed to be a Wordless Wednesday post…. but we LOVED the movie!! Consider it a Must See in IMAX 3D

 

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Hunger Like Love… A Book Review

I Already Reviewed it on Amazon but I found myself with more to say….

Hunger Like Love … By Jane Devin (Author of Elephant Girl)

After reading the title I found myself quite shocked to be in the story of a young child… but I quickly came to love the character “Easton” I related too much… and was impressed by the lack of anger the writing expressed… in fact it was written beautifully… and without resentment… I quickly came to love Easton in his adulthood… His display of unconditional love in parenting a child that was not his… the lengths he went to… the moral integrity told in such a way that I found myself letting go of so much of my own resentments. Then his relentless search for love… never giving up… finding it in the most unusual places… and his love affair with mankind as a whole…. I found myself smiling through this book… I found myself cheering on his daughter Liberty… I was inside the story… and that takes a special kind of writing.

 

I read Elephant Girl … Jane’s first novel… and fell in love with her writing style then. There is something so poetic about it. Every good writer can describe a scene in such a way that makes you feel you are there, and in that hopes to encourage you to feel as the characters feel along the way…. Jane has the ability to describe the emotions in such a way that you feel them, physically, and then it is not so hard to imagine your surroundings being the same as the characters.

If you find yourself giving up on man kind… or looking for good in it… read Hunger Like Love… it is still there.

My Favorite Excerpt

” I’d written once that my desire for a partner, for intimate love, was like a hunger that other types of love did not fill, and that few times I tried to explain it to well-meaning people inevitably led to them point out that I had the love of a daughter and friends. The more I tried to clarify that it wasn’t the same, the more misunderstood I felt. I wasn’t looking for pity or bromides. I didn’t want to be told, as if it were a fact, that the right person would come along when I wasn’t looking. I didn’t want to be encouraged to get a therapeutic massage, volunteer more time to social causes or adopt another pet. I simply wanted to share what it was like to feel the kind of restless hunger I felt. I wanted my friends to know the part of me that was so often hidden or buried. After a few attempts I quit confiding. I understood that it was like trying to explain the gnawing ache of hunger pangs to people who had never gone hungry.”

I hope I never forget what it is like to be hungry.

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The Fault in our stars… a Novel by John Green

Every once in a while I take a break from reading the end of the world Sci-fi, Apocalyptic stuff I normally read… The first said break was “Brain on Fire” by Susannah Callahan… Which was amazing, and I would recommend it to anyone who has an interest in psychology or writing, it was well done, and the first half of the book was utterly terrifying and I kept imagining myself as having some of her early symptoms… the second half was fascinating, and very detailed, which is the kind of book it was and it was done very well. I would recommend it…. But that is not the book that changed my life this year (A bit of a dramatic statement considering it is only the end of February, but still)…

The Fault in our stars… a review from a 40 year old perspective.

I heard the young girls in the office talking about it… I read the synopsis for the movie on IDMB…  when I went to purchase it for my kindle it recommended other books for me like “perks of being a wall flower” and “Eleanor and Park” which I am positive are fantastic books… but YA Romance is not really my thing… I downloaded it anyways… even more convinced now that I would not like it…. I read it with in the weekend.

Rather than give you the rundown on the story line, which can be found on the back of the book cover if you are in the store… or on good reads… amazon… ect. Let me give you a rundown of life changing realizations.

#1 – Everything that I think is important to teach my children would change if they were terminally ill…. That being said… Why am I so focused on those things… I do not want to have to be dying… or confronted with inevitable death of a loved one to see what truly matters… Turning in that essay for english… meeting some girl at the library… Sophomore orientation… practicing the piano… all of these daily nags… constant reminders… parenting things I do would not matter at all… I would want him to play the piano only if he was moved to do so… I would want him to spend more time with that girl at the library… less time on the essay about Romeo and Juliet and more time reading Shakespears other works. I would talk less about cleaning his room and have conversations about art… music… love. I would make breakfast for dinner more often… I would work less…I would take him to the symphonies still… we would still have our drives… and dance in the car like we do… I would talk to him about politics… and not protect him as much. I would treat him differently… try to make his life more full… experience more…. I will work on this.

#2 – I never question what happens next… for example… I do not have the imagination to think of characters outside of the pages of the book I am reading… in the book… Hazel Grace writes her favorite author… she demands answers of the other characters … where did they go… did they marry? did they die? … With books and like so much else in my life… I take what is presented at face value… I do not question why… or how.. and when it is over… I close the book (or these days, shut off the kindle) and forget about those people that I loved, envied or despised almost instantaneously and go back to the routine… shower… coffee… work… dinner… lessons… bed… and though I am moved while I escape in the words… I don’t keep the movement fluid in my life… that is heartbreaking really… because so much of myself… what defines me… had been discovered in a book…. and I demand to know the following… What happened with Hazel Grace, I know she dies… but how.. and who else’s life does she alter with her friendship… How does her mom cope with the loss… does she finish school…. follow her aspirations… and her father… Does he find a way to go on…. Does the blind boy and his girlfriend ever reconcile with each other… even become amicable? does he find love again? What does his adult life look like?

#3 – Support groups are entirely underrated… I should find one… Something outside of this computer … this blog… social media in general. I should belong to something.

#4 – I have an affinity for books that talk about stars… I forget how much I love them… I forget to drive up away from the city and look at them… I will do this more often…. I know that sounds so simple.. but that is why I read the book… simply the title.

#5 – I want to hold the thing that can kill me, and take away its ability to… I want that fear removed from my life. I want a metaphor for my existence.

I never once got that sappy feeling when the kids fell in love… I didn’t weep when Augustus died… I wish I had. I wish I had been moved to tear… I think something is wrong with me. I did weep however when she climbed all of those stairs … because she owed it to Anne Frank… I was moved.

I hated the fact that the author came to America… somewhere in my mind I thought that they were imagining it… it was too much.

I related to the horrible things he said… I related to having a drunk in my life disappoint me. Expectations are a vice…

I loved the book… Read it… share your thoughts.

“Oh, the night makes you a star
And it holds you cold in its arms
You’re the one to whom nobody verses I love you
Unless you say it first
So you lie there holding your breath
And it’s strange how soon you forget
That you’re like stars
They only show up when it’s dark
Cause they don’t know their worth” (Shine – Anna Nalick)

The fault in our stars

 

 

 

Frozen: Letting Go

I know.. .I know! Believe me I know that I shouldn’t waste my time getting drawn into this… I know that it is energy spent on something that shouldn’t be given… I read it yesterday… much like everyone else I would assume… and at first I laughed… Then my irritation grew… and as the day wore on I just couldn’t shake it… the words had settled in my skin… and my least favorite feeling in this myriad of emotions I go through is shame… I was ashamed of my friend who shared it on Facebook voicing her agreement (this is how I came across it to begin with, before it was ever picked up by the local media) … I was embarrassed to be living in Utah… where not only is this popular opinion but it was picked up by the media… Every fiber was annoyed… by the name of the blog… and every hateful word typed out… I am not going to counter her opinions… I just figured I would do a little review and opinionating of my own…. you know… from a well behaved person that has not lost her ever loving mind to hate and paranoia.

Frozen: Letting Go

Let me paraphrase… The movie opens with these two adorable sisters… laughing and playing in the snow and ice created by the eldest Elsa … Surely this is dark magic right? Sorcery? Witchcraft? don’t you worry… its a Disney Movie… and its JUST A STORY…  I saw it five times… Its full of dark magic and sorcery… and death… and treason… trolls who adopt the poor guy with apparently poor personal hygiene  being raised by a reindeer… but the poor guy with the Swedish accent it surely the problem… Oh that and the fact that the girl… who DOESN’T FEEL THE COLD takes of her repressive cape that she had to wear for a coronation is being considered to sex it up… hey hey… who am I to judge… I’m sure the people taking issue with this also wear these swim suits… and I’m cool with that…

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My favorite part of the movie is the Let it Go sequence… as I am sure anyone with a 7 year old knows… it is catchy… and dramatic… and the graphics are beautiful… and everyone is covering it!! (See my Themesong Thursday Post)

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

Queen of isolation… I get that… Trapped by expectations

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Storm inside… raging emotions… Okay, I don’t have snow flakes sprinkling from my fingertips… but I am relating to this chic.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Ahhh sweet sweet emancipation… from worrying about what others think of me… from judgement… and cruel words.

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Freedom from fear… self confidence… self discovery… Fantastic!

Let it go, let it go

Let go of the negative… hey smallest child… I hope you memorize each and every word of it!

I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Ha ha! okay okay… crying is okay… even if people see it… but not “You” not the people that I am letting go of… not the people that wanted me to be someone I am not

Sing sing sing… lots more words… storm rages on… etc

You get the idea… I take absolutely no offense to someone shedding what was forced upon them and coming to their own opinions, aspirations, dreams and I will cheer on my children whether it is at their graduation from college… or a pole dancing competition (please please let it not be pole dancing… so awkward)

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and so… in conclusion… if you have to take some moral to what is really just an awesome story with fantastic music and stunning visuals… take this… Love is unconditional… Sisters before Misters…. also… reindeer raise gentlemen… Braids are sexy and trolls are love experts…. That is all

SO someone needs to explain to me how she gets from cryokinetic power to same-sex attraction?

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OH! and someone better tell their kids… whether oaken likes men or not (which I don’t understand why that is relevant when he is just selling some damn carrots) that a Swedish accent isn’t required for someone to be gay… they can choose that for themselves… and they will be accepted and loved and keep their voice 🙂

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