I Double Dog Dare You…. then Link Up!

Writing Prompt :A Time I Was TrickedDescribe a time you made things…awkward.




There is SOOOOO much material to choose from!!! I decided to go to my very oldest Cohort… Mind you … we have been cohorting since we were 12… there is a history here (see how she got here nickname)…  I dare you to ask your best friend! or child… or S/O… I hope you have as many good stories as I do. If you do it… share it… post the link in my comments!

Phone Junk 2012 3328

Click the image to see the time she and I put on the Blogess’s Dress… I love this woman!

Me: Sooo I need an example of a time I made things awkward…
Cookie Wife:In a crowd or just a personal experience?
Me: I guess there is a large selection? either… for a blog post
Cookie Wife: The several years you hinted towards a threesome in mixed company;
Me: Rotflmao!!! Oh That… That is simply to get a reaction
Cookie Wife: ummmm.. setting me up with <Name removed for obvious reasons> (the other dates weren’t awkward, just disastrous, Or just good stories to tell later on!)
Me: Too Funny!!! like the time I was Drunk and trying out <Name removed for obvious reasons> waterbed with you guys… Yes… that is awkward <I feel it is important to notate I was divorced and ALL clothing was on and it was a giggle fest not some sex pot>
Cookie Wife: I’ve blocked that out. How about… Every party that your parents are there…That’s awkward.
Me: Rotflmao!!! why???
Cookie Wife: Oh you know, we vent about our parents and the crap they do… then we have to smile and pretend we don’t know anything.
Me: bahahahahaha
Cookie Wife: Ummm.. being in the room when you’re cheeky with Mr Amazing
Me: BAHAHAH! When am I cheeky?
Cookie Wife: ALL THE TIME!!
Me: Well… he is cute… I try to make out with him in public as often as possible
Cookie Wife: And I’m over here like: A guy smiled at me today.
Me: I smile at you everyday!
Cookie Wife:  So the guy is really cute! And he didn’t have a ring! … incentive to get to the gym every morning!
Me: Want me to come make it awkward for you?
Cookie Wife: Noooooooooooooo!!!! That reminds me… Ice Skating!! That was awkward
Me: OMG! Seriously… I had a crush on that guy and I was married <insert note here about being married at 19 to someone no where near my age…> I needed you to take him off my hands… Its your JOB!
Cookie Wife: Typical you pawning them off on me…
Me: Ice Skating Guy was hot!
Cookie Wife: That one time you sent me a Jesus pic… that was awkward.
Me: That was AWESOME! Cause you always sent me coffee and wine pictures!
Cookie Wife : Because I can’t use them anymore! :( <Insert note here about how I recently was SO supportive about her becoming all religious like>
Me: Well… I can’t use Jesus
I need a section on my blog titled “I Couldn’t Make This Shit Up”


It has been too long since I have shared one of our chats… Also… yes… we know hashtags do not work in chats…

Kerry: #Huckabee2016
Mr Amazing: #FatChanceInHell2016
Kerry: Bahahaha!
Mr Amazing: #ReligiousMinorityRules
Kerry :He just threw his hat in the ring…. which btw… i think they should literally have to do if we are going to keep saying that
They all should wear a hat… and throw it in a ring
Mr Amazing: LOL the poll numbers are crazy
Kerry: Im gonna need some hats… Im gonna throw that shit in all the rings
Kerry: it is a sad sad day when bush is the lesser of all those evils
Mr Amazing: LOL, yes, yes he is
Kerry: Jesus save us all… and take the wheel
Mr Amazing:  <facepalm>
THROWING MY HAT IN THE RING…. More Specifically… This hat!

Drink. Drank. Drunk…

This public display of drunkenness and debauchery is dedicated to Mama Kats World Famous Writing Prompts! “Write a blog post inspired by the word: Drunk”

mama kats








Small child was off at the Winter Ball…. His very first date… that we had put so much effort in to making it fairy tale like so it would be something he could always remember… But I will save that for another post… dedicated to that story on its own…

Mr.Amazing and I thought we would take advantage of a night down town on our own… childless… at this time of year that ofcourse means holiday shopping… when my phone rang in the middle of the electronics aisle… Many of you will remember my fundraising efforts earlier this year for a man in stage 5 kidney failure… the call was to inform me that he and his 11 year old son had been struck and killed by a vehicle… and they were trying to let family know as it would be all over the news that evening….

I just can’t even…

It is so awful… The most awful thing is the boy, Levi… I only met Levi once… for a few moments… shared a few Dr. Who quotes with him and sent him off to play with the boys… I cannot imagine what his mother will do… I just cant even wrap my mind around this….

Todd… The Father… I did know… I have known him all of my life… we have been close and then lost contact so many times I cannot keep track… I am not ready I suppose to feel all the feels I would experience in  telling you all the wonderful things I had intended to write about this man right now…  Instead I will just post this instead… which I really intended to write something heartfelt and inspiring to accompany… But I.Just.Can’t



That is all…

Sometimes my life feels like a broken record… It is the same thing over and over again… Stress at work, Deadlines to Convention,  lessons with kids, grocery shopping, “Do you have homework?”, “Stop Whining” “Did you practice?” “Are you lying” What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner?””Your dog wants outside” “When was the last time you pooped?” …  a lot of the time I find comfort in the security of it… other times I appreciate the consistency of people in my life… Once in a while I grow bored and restless… Sometimes I don’t want to go home at all… I just want to get in my car and drive… and find somewhere safe to get into a drunken stupor… alone…  Today is one of those days… Nothing is wrong… I am not angry or irritated with anyone… no one has done anything wrong… I just feel trapped. Trapped by the expected… sigh… I haven’t been blogging really regularly… and it has been ages since I really blogged about myself or anything going on with me other than the brief medical lesson we all got on CMV… I didn’t even go back to the doctor to finish out the progression of the virus… I just assume I got better… by assume I mean I quit caring…I don’t even know why I keep this blog… I don’t know today as I type this why I blog at all… I suppose out of everything I do… I am glad I do this… for whatever reason it makes me happy most of the time…. not today though…  I am lacking some sleep… I am lacking a clean home… and any free time at all that I find I usually find myself seated on the couch… surrounded by whomever is home… watching kids shows… or sci-fi… I haven’t painted in months… I did take an amazing vacation with my beautiful family just two weeks ago… maybe that is what this is… Lack of Beach Depression… I am pretty sure that is a thing.

I am turning 41 in 2 weeks…My small is a sophomore… There is enough dog hair on the floor of my house to create a large chinchilla… My bathrooms are disgusting… I constantly worry I am causing my marriage to fall apart by nagging and criticizing endlessly… I am feeling very detached…  I am pretty sure my small thinks I am an asshole most days… The next person that asks for something from me… whether it be a braid put in their hair… or where their “whatever is missing at that moment” is I am going to scratch my eyes out… These are the things that go through my mind… my mind that never ever ever shuts the hell up… I try to tell myself its not real… that I am grateful and so truly blessed… because I am…I have my job… I have my health… we all have our health… we have a roof over our heads… a good one… and food in our cupboards… plenty of it… I have good friends… the most amazing ones in the world… I have Mr. Amazing… who is never anything short of Amazing… I have gorgeous long flowing locks of hair? I am reaching here I know… I have that hairy shedding dog… for another year if I am lucky… he is getting so old… and I still just wanna kick everyone in the shins…


That is all


This Day..

With no make up… and in pajamas… laughing uncontrollably… we middle aged middle class middle of the day took selfies!

This man is the love of my life… that is all…


Discussion In The car. ..
Me: <to smallest child> believe it or not I love your daddy more today than I did when I married him.
Mr. Amazing: I love her more too
Smallest Child: I love  more than then too.
Small Child: don’t expect any mushy stuff from me guys. .. seriously


Totes… This is my jam!!!

Mr. Amazing:  ILTIS is going to be my new “catch all response”

me:  Huh?

Mr. Amazing:  I laughed ’til I stopped – ILTIS or Iltis

me:  LOL You are killing me… You need sleep

Mr. Amazing:  Iltis

me:  Quit that, every time you type it all I see is the word tits

Mr. Amazing:  iltis – it’s my new jam


Mr. Amazing:  IMNJ or IMJ – I like it IMJ – iltis

me:  Crazy Pants

Mr. Amazing:  IMJ baby

me:  Im done talking to you until you say words… words that mean things

Mr. Amazing:  I know, it’s difficult to parse

me:  you are grounded

Mr. Amazing: from difficult parsing?

me:  LOL you are a brat

Mr. Amazing: my vocabulary diversity increases when I am drowsy

me:  So does the humor I find in you.

Mr. Amazing I am 100% humor free certified and guaranteed

me:  No, Quite the opposite

Mr. Amazing:  is 520 calories a low-calorie drink?

me:  Ummmm No

Mr. Amazing:  Oh – iltis

me:  LMAO! I am tearing those letters off your keyboard

Mr. Amazing:  IMJ Kerry


Mr. Amazing:  IMJ

me:  LMAO!!! You are going to be the death of me… literally

Mr. Amazing:  I am broadening a colloquial term for personal and casual use that may have an alternate and beneficial effect of causing irritation in others – IMJ

me:  no… just no

Mr. Amazing:  JS, IMJ (just sayin’) that just happened

me:  ROTFLMAO!!!

Mr. Amazing:  TJH, OMG, TJH, IMJ, JS

me:  Quit it!!

Mr. Amazing:  OK

me:  LOL

Mr. Amazing:  iltis

me:  You are making me laugh so hard there are tears

Mr. Amazing:  I’m sorry JS – IS … HFS, IS, that’s totes IMJ

me:  I cant even keep up any more… and you are too old to say totes

Mr. Amazing:  (Holy Fucking Shit) HFS it’s gonna be a thing JS

me:  Thats it… Blogging it

Mr. Amazing:  HFS, TJH, fo sho

This is my favorite pic of Mr. Amazing in all the world... JS...

This is my favorite pic of Mr. Amazing in all the world… JS…

Overheard on the 10 O’clock news

Utah’s most dangerous intersections

ABC 4’s Noah Bond asked her, “How many crashes have you seen here in the past two or three months?”  Opperman replied, “About four or five.” Noah Bond then states “93% of these were caused by drivers!”
REALLY?? What were the other 7%??

Dedicated to Tolman… And her children who really know how to end a conversation

Mom: “Em, what do you want mama to make for your birthday dinner tomorrow night?”

Em: “I want to go to Las Vegas!”

Mom: “A little out of my price range, my dear little diva!”

Em: “Okay, mac n cheese.”


Noel: <snort!>
Mom: That’s disgusting! I knew someone who got fired for doing that!
Noel: What did they do when they got fired?
Mom: They cried!
Nikolas: Waaa! <snort!> Waaa! <snort!> Waaa! <snort!>


Nana to Noel: “When is your audition for ‘Annie’?”

Nikolas: “Tomorrow! Tomorrow!”


Em: Guess what Noel! We had a sleep over at my dads… Mom slept in his bed!

Mom: <Silence>

Em: Mom you didn’t bring your Pajamas!

Mom: Look <pointing out the window> Horses!!

The family is eating pizza… Minding their own business…

Mom: Hey dad (Grandpa) i have a question for you.

Steve: <Jumps in being funny> Where do babies come from?…

Noel: from a penis! <She was 3>


The 4 best ways to end a Conversation…. Ever… Really…

So it took me years to perfect this technique… but I have been keeping track of which ones get the biggest reaction… hence the quickest retreat… The 4 below are the winners! … I have included useful ways to work these into the conversation if you ever find yourself needing to end it…

#1 “I’m an elf.”

(No explanation necessary.)




#2 “you wanna touch it?”
I know from experience that this is one of the most awkward questions in the English language. I have a certain blonde headed friend who uses this phrase as his calling card of awkward situations. In order to really achieve the beauty of this question, one must say it just loud enough to be heard. The goal is not to be clearly understood, but rather just barely understood. The victim should walk away disappointed, confused, and emotionally violated.

#3 “You’re the one!”
Once again, I have experience with this one. This exclamation should be utilized in the most hopeful voice that you can muster. You have to sound like you really believe the person is the one for you, otherwise this is just stupid. Other special effects for this one are puppy dog eyes and an awkward half-smile. This might just be the most potent of the 4. Also, if you happen to attend a Christian university, this phrase works like magic. Ask me how I know

#4 “Tell your mom I said hi!”
Talking about people’s moms is weird enough, but for a total stranger to ask for you to tell your mom that they said hi? That is ridiculous. I think this one is funny because think of the hours of sleep your victim would lose at night because of the constant wondering about how you knew your mom, if you knew your mom, and why you did know your mom if you weren’t lying.

You’re welcome…