There is SOOOOO much material to choose from!!! I decided to go to my very oldest Cohort… Mind you … we have been cohorting since we were 12… there is a history here (see how she got here nickname)… I dare you to ask your best friend! or child… or S/O… I hope you have as many good stories as I do. If you do it… share it… post the link in my comments!
Click the image to see the time she and I put on the Blogess’s Dress… I love this woman!
Me: Sooo I need an example of a time I made things awkward…
Cookie Wife:In a crowd or just a personal experience?
Me: I guess there is a large selection? either… for a blog post
Cookie Wife: The several years you hinted towards a threesome in mixed company;
Me: Rotflmao!!! Oh That… That is simply to get a reaction
Cookie Wife: ummmm.. setting me up with <Name removed for obvious reasons> (the other dates weren’t awkward, just disastrous, Or just good stories to tell later on!)
Me: Too Funny!!! like the time I was Drunk and trying out <Name removed for obvious reasons> waterbed with you guys… Yes… that is awkward <I feel it is important to notate I was divorced and ALL clothing was on and it was a giggle fest not some sex pot>
Cookie Wife: I’ve blocked that out. How about… Every party that your parents are there…That’s awkward.
Me: Rotflmao!!! why???
Cookie Wife: Oh you know, we vent about our parents and the crap they do… then we have to smile and pretend we don’t know anything.
Cookie Wife: Ummm.. being in the room when you’re cheeky with Mr Amazing
Me: BAHAHAH! When am I cheeky?
Cookie Wife: ALL THE TIME!!
Me: Well… he is cute… I try to make out with him in public as often as possible
Cookie Wife: And I’m over here like: A guy smiled at me today.
Me: I smile at you everyday!
Cookie Wife: So the guy is really cute! And he didn’t have a ring! … incentive to get to the gym every morning!
Me: Want me to come make it awkward for you?
Cookie Wife: Noooooooooooooo!!!! That reminds me… Ice Skating!! That was awkward
Me: OMG! Seriously… I had a crush on that guy and I was married <insert note here about being married at 19 to someone no where near my age…> I needed you to take him off my hands… Its your JOB!
Cookie Wife: Typical you pawning them off on me…
Me: Ice Skating Guy was hot!
Cookie Wife: That one time you sent me a Jesus pic… that was awkward.
Me: That was AWESOME! Cause you always sent me coffee and wine pictures!
Cookie Wife : Because I can’t use them anymore! <Insert note here about how I recently was SO supportive about her becoming all religious like>
Me: Well… I can’t use Jesus
I need a section on my blog titled “I Couldn’t Make This Shit Up”
An Epiphany has happened! I am about to tell you about it without the use of an adverb. Thanks to the Light & Shade Challenge! So if this is a hard read… Well… be grateful you did not have to write it.
As I spoke with Small Child last night (Small Child is a nick name, he turns 16 next month) he expressed his dislike of my Nicotine addiction. No, No, I am not a smoker… I used to be… I also used to carry 100 pounds more body fat than I do now… I used to smoke a pack a day…
I need to lose another 100 pounds (I say that with such a casual tone) I need to get off the Nicotine Gum.
Yes… the gum… I have chewed it for years… I feel a little embarrassed by it.
I am half way there. I have done half of what needs to be done.
We set a date… August 10th… to be weened off the stuff…
I hate that anything has a hold on me… I hate being dependent on anything… and as Small Child put it… What if…
What if the Zombie Apocalypse came… He said he would use me as a Nicotine withdrawn weapon… as it would not be available to me.
But I think at this moment, I could face any challenge ahead… Other than writing one more horribly boring … incredibly un-descriptive line of dribble about my mundane physical addictions… I would gladly write a million things other than that… but I needed to get it put in writing… and what better way to do it and aggressively make the point!
I am sitting here behind this screen right now squealing like a little girl over the latest Star Wars teaser trailer… SQUEE!
There was a time that being a Star Wars fan was cool… I am over 40 …I am a woman… BUT! GUYS! the first movie I ever saw in a theater was The Empire Strikes Back… The imperial march starts playing… and my heart starts pounding…. I pretend I am a Star Fighter when driving through that kinda snow that comes straight at your windshield …I have found a way to work “Luke… I am your father” into 75% of the conversations I have had in my life…
I FUCKING LOVE STAR WARS
There… I said it… I feel like there should be a support group for this.
And quite possibly that is all it took to get out of my writers slump…
Well the year had finally come that St. Patricks Day fell on a day that smallest child was at her Mom’s for the holiday… I knew last year it was coming so I put in a little extra effort into the prank until the St. Patricks Day eve was upon us and we got a tearful call from that co-parent… She hadn’t realized how much smallest child was looking forward to it… smallest child could be heard in the background screaming “If there is no Leprechauns, then there is no Santa, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy… ” and so on… we thought she had reached the age of not believing and treated her accordingly… only to realize at the last moment that she might still need/want to believe… we figured it out when she was berating her Mom with lines such as “You are ruining my childhood!” … Soooo what is any stepmother supposed to do that has created this monster? I put in a quick call on the Leprechaun line… they managed to pull off a miracle… and her childhood was saved!
They tiptoed outside her Moms apartment… sneaking up to her car… as it was too late to get into the abode.
They busted into the car in a flurry of green glitter and shamrock confetti!
They left their wisely worded note…
And goodies for the wee lass… including her half sister… the wee-er lass
And that is the story of how St. Patricks Day was saved!
Tall Child was not forgotten in all of this… he was rewarded with gold coins of his own for his help in the Leprechaun Miracle
(You may want to visit our Leprechauns past visits… they are quite evil)
I have had people bemoan my Leprechaun Loyalty in the past… there was the one year a wee lass at school didn’t believe in my smalls Leprechauns
So we helped her build a trap (actually a house because she was afraid of hurting them) The Leprechauns broke into her house (They may have known where the key was hidden and played… quite messily in their kitchen and left some treats!)
And if that is a bit of the stretch from the original prompt I apologize … But you can’t talk about being tricked without a little Leprechaun story!
Well… The New Year brought me something a little unexpected… unexpected because I forgot about it… It brought me a several hundred dollar charge to my bank account… One not budgeted and one I am going to have to tighten the belt on our budget to cover… for something that I seemed to have lost my passion for… for something that had become an after thought… it started to feel like a task… and nobody cared if I did it or not… and I discovered other ways to keep my head from imploding with all the words I pour out here… Yes… Here… Smiffbib.com… My Domain renewed for another 3 years automatically… 3 Years! Can you believe it? I have been writing here for 3 years… I sat and thought for a few moments about what I had accomplished here… and the resounding answer was… NOT A DAMN THING!… and I chuckled to myself because… well… what did I ever hope to accomplish here… this blog is like that seinfeld comedy show… it is about nothing… and I never hoped to accomplish anything more than that… Well… That much was a success…. What has the last 3 years brought me… My new husband (Mr. Amazing) bought me Smiffbib as a gift… we have been through some of the most amazing adventures… trials… illnesses… deaths… all of those thoughts and been poured out into here… hidden in the craziest stories… silly pictures… one self discovery after another… all of the smalls milestones … every fear… every dark corner of depression… every broken thought… Pictures of Disneyland… screams of frustration at the tea party passing bills about my vagina… buried my first grandchild… my exhusband/sons father… and others so close to me…
One day I am going to write something so life changing that people will quote me… they will say Smiffbib and people will know what that means… Or not.
Last year at this time I thought I would be somewhere completely different than I am now… and that was my resolution.
Did you know how far you can come inside yourself without any external changes? Did you know how much you could be okay inside yourself no matter what kind of chaos is carrying on around you?
I have no idea what this new year will bring… none… I have no idea where I will be the next time this domain is up for renewal… I hope I have as much to say about them as I have this last three… Mr. Amazing just called me from the office.. He transferred the money into my bank account… he told me to stop worrying… I could keep Smiffbib… so I suppose I will have somewhere to record them all…
Soooo… I guess it is time to get out of this bed… and begin the new year.
Shout out to my favorite writing group of all time… and Kats prompt for getting me all resolutiony today… I have written 464 posts… here is to another couple hundred more.