Free Falling…

Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

 Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

Looking for work when you don’t really want to work is hard…

I have always worked… always… since I was fifteen…I am turning 42 this month…  Im sure there were stretches I have forgotten about where I was between jobs for a month or two… but I cannot remember a single one… and I was with the company I just jumped ship from for almost 15 years… I am entering my 4th week of not going to work… It is time for me to get serious about doing something about that… I have gone on 4 or 5 job interviews now… nothing has felt right..either for them or me… <sigh> I am getting a little discouraged… which is funny because I am not desperate yet… Im worried I will get there… but I planned this well…

Here is the thing though… The filling out of applications is easy… submitting a resume … I have amazing skills… Its the interviews that are killing me. I feel like I am selling myself… which I understand I am… and I come out of those things terrified of two things… one.. that I didn’t sell myself well enough… and two… that I over did it and my days of laying in bed plunking away at my cute purple keys on my macbook air are over… I am torn with whether they should be or not.

So far… I have only not been the right candidate… or the job is not right for me… but I am going to have to decide what I am doing next…

I love being home … I love the alone time… I love the writing… I love the coffee sipping… bird listening… housework upkeep… the freedom… the lack of stress… but at the end of day I get the better of me and it ends with worthlessness… not earning my keep… gelatinous pile of netflix watching flesh

Today is September 1st… and I am feeling weepy… guilty… always always guilty… I think it’s my middle name… Guilty that Mr. Amazing is working his ass off… Guilty that I am home at a time when Small Child doesn’t need me to be… when he could have used me his entire life… until now.. he just gets up and drives himself to school…. guilty that I am not cleaning enough… or at all really … guilty for breathing… The wind is blowing outside… the sound of it against the windows is just enough to keep me from continuing down that flight of stairs inside my mind…

Oh... Look... No Make Up... Bags under eyes... Still fucking sexy.

Oh… Look… No Make Up… Bags under eyes… Still fucking sexy.

So here is the thing … For someone that has zero religion… I tend to believe that everything happens for a reason… and my life has always had a way of working out… very much despite my best efforts… now that doesn’t mean I dont need to do the footwork… and maybe it works out because I make the best out of whatever is given to me… Im not really sure… but I do know that even though I feel the need to constantly justify it… I am doing the right thing for me right now… which is pretty much nothing at all. There is a saying “Leap… and the net will appear” … Im working with out a net here people… I don’t even want one…FUCK the net…  so here I am… after the kamikaze yell… and the barrelling towards the edge of what I have always known… every time I choose to leap.

… My amazing graces

Go ahead and click play on the song  – We all know how much I love The Piano Guys… Well this is their latest work of art… and I dub it the themesong of my life right now… so give it a listen while you finish reading this beautiful disaster.

So I kind of disappeared there didn’t I!

I disappeared long before I stopped writing the blog… Slowly I was turning invisible… But as my previous blogs have mentioned I was ready for change… I was ready to be Bad Ass… and bad assery is on the way…

I did it… I quit my job… and what I did at first… was clean compulsively … I mean not really clean … but pick up and vacuum a lot … dusted some things… put away alllllllll the laundries…

then I watched a season or two of TV …

Here are the things I did not do: stay in bed all day… cry… stay in pajamas… eat like shit

The second week we took our summer vacation to San Diego… and the magic was palpable (… I just really love that word)

SanDiego

 

We did all kinds of things…. as you can see above… including the safari park… body surfing… Mr Amazing’s glasses went to swim with the sharks… got sunburnt in all kinds of weird places… Drank ALLLLLLLL the cocktails… ate enchiladas that I swear were my spirit animal

Here are the things I did not do: Panic… Hurt… Cry… stay long enough (seriously I could spend weeks there)

and suddenly here I am wrapping up week two of unemployment… My saved up vacation pay has been paid out and I am officially not earning any money.

I took some time to get the kiddos ready for school… inventorying of clothes and shoes and such… I spent some time with family… I spoke on the phone to friends… Not text or gchats… like actual phone conversations that lasted longer than 5 minutes… I applied for some jobs… and set up a couple of interviews for next week…and I wrote… I mean really wrote… not blogged… not updated my facebook status… or tweeted… I mean I wrote… about 50 pages worth of a novel I have been typing a page here and there on for over a year…

I painted… a little

I listened to music

I hung out with my kids… just hung out… doing nothing

I cooked dinners… really cooked them… didnt drive through for them or microwave them

I am having a family dinner tonight… Tall child and Allllllll the babies included.

I found a part of myself I had lost… The part that knows how to slow down… and breathe.

I will let you know what I find next.

 

 

 

Dear Son…

It’s so fucking hard to believe you’re turning 16 today.

Apparently… when I blinked, your little blond mancub self… who used to spend hours catching grasshoppers and swimming and music has grown into a tall…kind.. thoughtful…  smart teenager who loves games and girls…

I know this journey hasn’t been easy.

I know your dad and I (especially I!) have made mistakes… but we have done our best… I promise to continue to do so.

It’s not easy figuring out what should be said and done and those words that should remain unsaid and the actions that should remain undone.

Because sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to stay back and let the lesson teach itself… I am so sorry about your dad not being here.

There have been a couple of close calls–a few times I felt my heart in my throat.

When you chased your sister and her friends around the block… with myself and some neighbor lady trying to catch you… when you got past the dead bolt for the first time… when the lump formed on your neck… and later when they wheeled you away to surgery to remove it….when you broke your leg… when the scuba gear sank you like a lead weight…. when your dad died…

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell you what I want you to know. Many times… we don’t see eye-to-eye. Sometimes…  I don’t do well when I’m put on the spot. Sometimes (most times),  I do better in writing. So here goes.

I know you think you have it figured out. Life, I mean.

And in many ways, you do. You get good grades, you get along with your peers, you love music and your viola,. You feel things deeply… and injustice bothers you.

These are all attributes that make me proud of you.

Please–never fail to listen when somebody older and wiser tries to give you advice… Let the BFG offer to help with math…  You don’t always have to take it (many times you shouldn’t!), but listen to those who care enough to try to help.

In just a few years, you’ll be going off to college– Now you are driving without me… making decisions on your own.

I’m not worried about that. Well shit…  I do worry a little, but I think you’ll be fine.

Your moral standards will hold. I know it may sound cliché but I’m going to say it anyway…  follow your heart. Follow your conscience. It’s kept you kind and compassionate.

One thing I do worry about: I want you to make time for friends. I know you are introverted and it’s easier to stay by yourself … but you have so much to offer others: your sense of humor…  your knowledge of current events… your integrity…  your wit. You’re so funny!

Please, don’t sell yourself short. Shoot for the stars! Set high goals. It’s okay to not always succeed — sometimes falling is part of the process. Don’t let yourself get discouraged. Sometimes, you’ll get told “No.” Even though it stings, it’s not the end of the world. If it’s important to you, keep trying…don’t let one person (or opportunity) hold you back. Never let YOU be the one to hold yourself back.

When you do win…know you deserved it. Nobody can say you didn’t.

I’m your mom, and I love you more than I can say… more than there are words to write…and I can’t wait to see how you’re going to shake up this world of ours.

It’s going to be beautiful.

You are My Sunshine...

You are My Sunshine…

 

 

Eerily Untouched…

What do you want… another post about why I have not been posting? Well… you are not going to get that this time…

Small Child recently found out he is going to get his fathers camper trailer – And by that I mean the camper that belonged to his father is going to the dump unless we come and get it… It has been over 2 years now… small child doesn’t often talk about his father…  I have tried to remember him in all things of this life and remind him how proud his father would be of him… This memorial day I did not force him to go to his grave… in fact I had gone a few weeks prior to scream at the grave… so I didn’t go either…. irregardless of the events that brought about the camper situation it became ABUNDANTLY clear that it was VERY important to small child that he get that trailer…

So I am getting it for him. Because that is what I do.

We went last night to look at it, check out the condition… to see if a family of skunks have moved in or if the roof is leaking and making the floor of it soup… we opened the unlocked door… weeds have grown all around it…

We swing open the door and stand back.. incase a serial killer is hiding in there…

no bats fly out… so we step inside

TIME STOOD STILL

We both teared up immediately upon seeing that not a single thing had been touched… his fathers shoes were there at the side of the bed as if he had just taken them off and gone to sleep… the blanket was turned back… showing the sheets… his pillow was still there… there were clothes in the closet… 3 water bottles in the fridge…

Cobwebs and Dust covered everything as if from a horror movie and someone discovers a hidden room…

Small child takes a huge huff of air… and looks at me incredulously… “Do you smell that?!?!”

I smell the air as well… It smells like his father.

We close back up the camper…

I have made arrangements to have it moved into a storage shed until small child is 18 and owns a vehicle with which he can pull it…

IMG_0226

Blah Blah Blah

I have zero desire to blog… I have zero motivation to do anything really… I have probably gained 20 pounds.. I am fat… I ate nachos for dinner… that’ll help… I am thinking it is planetary alignment or some other bullshit thing like that… seems to be in the air…  Ive got to do something different.

I have slipped into habits that I haven’t had in years… the house is trashed… we are eating out every meal… it is this ugly vicious cycle that I get into… when eating out, I eat more, I feel worse… I do less… rinse and repeat.

I know this cycle… I know great things will follow… I’ve got to do something…

anyways… I have been putting up stupid writers block pictures for a week so you would know I havent abandoned my blog…

I guess I am writing this post to let myself know, I havent abandoned myself either.

Tomorrow is Monday, a new week…. I can make so something different.. just one thing… I can do that much.

 

I will let you know how that goes.

 

Writers Block

Ive been missing… Ive missed all my writers prompts… I looked over this weeks and felt unprompted….

writers-block

A Year in Review….

mama kats

The prompt was compile a list of best posts and photos from the last year… So instead I compiled a list of posts about my favorite pictures! Check them out!

12 Reasons I Love My Life

January 2014 – From the Front Porch

February 2014 – Sometimes being me is pretty damn cool

March 2014 – I found the Tardis!

April 2014 – Holi Festival of Colors

May 2014 – and once again… Painted Angels

June 2014 – This Day

July 2014 – Wishing for a more relaxing time

August 2014 – I raised these...

September 2014 – Star Lord… Maybe you’ve heard of me

October 2014 – The Toy Room Collection

November 2014 – Short People Got No Reason!

December 2014 – His first date

2015

Well… The New Year brought me something a little unexpected… unexpected because I forgot about it… It brought me a several hundred dollar charge to my bank account… One not budgeted and one I am going to have to tighten the belt on our budget to cover… for something that I seemed to have lost my passion for… for something that had become an after thought… it started to feel like a task… and nobody cared if I did it or not… and I discovered other ways to keep my head from imploding with all the words I pour out here… Yes… Here… Smiffbib.com… My Domain renewed for another 3 years automatically… 3 Years! Can you believe it? I have been writing here for 3 years… I sat and thought for a few moments about what I had accomplished here… and the resounding answer was… NOT A DAMN THING!… and I chuckled to myself because… well… what did I ever hope to accomplish here… this blog is like that seinfeld comedy show… it is about nothing… and I never hoped to accomplish anything more than that… Well… That much was a success…. What has the last 3 years brought me… My new husband (Mr. Amazing) bought me Smiffbib as a gift… we have been through some of the most amazing adventures… trials… illnesses… deaths… all of those thoughts and been poured out into here… hidden in the craziest stories… silly pictures… one self discovery after another… all of the smalls milestones … every fear… every dark corner of depression… every broken thought… Pictures of Disneyland… screams of frustration at the tea party passing bills about my vagina… buried my first grandchild… my exhusband/sons father… and others so close to me…

One day I am going to write something so life changing that people will quote me… they will say Smiffbib and people will know what that means… Or not.

Last year at this time I thought I would be somewhere completely different than I am now… and that was my resolution.

Did you know how far you can come inside yourself without any external changes? Did you know how much you could be okay inside yourself no matter what kind of chaos is carrying on around you?

I have no idea what this new year will bring… none… I have no idea where I will be the next time this domain is up for renewal… I hope I have as much to say about them as I have this last three… Mr. Amazing just called me from the office.. He transferred the money into my bank account… he told me to stop worrying… I could keep Smiffbib… so I suppose I will have somewhere to record them all…

Soooo... I guess it is time to get out of this bed... and begin the new year.

Soooo… I guess it is time to get out of this bed… and begin the new year.

Shout out to my favorite writing group of all time… and Kats prompt for getting me all resolutiony today… I have written 464 posts… here is to another couple hundred more.

mama kats