What do you want… another post about why I have not been posting? Well… you are not going to get that this time…
Small Child recently found out he is going to get his fathers camper trailer – And by that I mean the camper that belonged to his father is going to the dump unless we come and get it… It has been over 2 years now… small child doesn’t often talk about his father… I have tried to remember him in all things of this life and remind him how proud his father would be of him… This memorial day I did not force him to go to his grave… in fact I had gone a few weeks prior to scream at the grave… so I didn’t go either…. irregardless of the events that brought about the camper situation it became ABUNDANTLY clear that it was VERY important to small child that he get that trailer…
So I am getting it for him. Because that is what I do.
We went last night to look at it, check out the condition… to see if a family of skunks have moved in or if the roof is leaking and making the floor of it soup… we opened the unlocked door… weeds have grown all around it…
We swing open the door and stand back.. incase a serial killer is hiding in there…
no bats fly out… so we step inside
TIME STOOD STILL
We both teared up immediately upon seeing that not a single thing had been touched… his fathers shoes were there at the side of the bed as if he had just taken them off and gone to sleep… the blanket was turned back… showing the sheets… his pillow was still there… there were clothes in the closet… 3 water bottles in the fridge…
Cobwebs and Dust covered everything as if from a horror movie and someone discovers a hidden room…
Small child takes a huge huff of air… and looks at me incredulously… “Do you smell that?!?!”
I smell the air as well… It smells like his father.
We close back up the camper…
I have made arrangements to have it moved into a storage shed until small child is 18 and owns a vehicle with which he can pull it…
I have zero desire to blog… I have zero motivation to do anything really… I have probably gained 20 pounds.. I am fat… I ate nachos for dinner… that’ll help… I am thinking it is planetary alignment or some other bullshit thing like that… seems to be in the air… Ive got to do something different.
I have slipped into habits that I haven’t had in years… the house is trashed… we are eating out every meal… it is this ugly vicious cycle that I get into… when eating out, I eat more, I feel worse… I do less… rinse and repeat.
I know this cycle… I know great things will follow… I’ve got to do something…
anyways… I have been putting up stupid writers block pictures for a week so you would know I havent abandoned my blog…
I guess I am writing this post to let myself know, I havent abandoned myself either.
Tomorrow is Monday, a new week…. I can make so something different.. just one thing… I can do that much.
I will let you know how that goes.
And this is this… and that is that….
Ive been missing… Ive missed all my writers prompts… I looked over this weeks and felt unprompted….
The prompt was compile a list of best posts and photos from the last year… So instead I compiled a list of posts about my favorite pictures! Check them out!
12 Reasons I Love My Life
January 2014 – From the Front Porch
February 2014 – Sometimes being me is pretty damn cool
March 2014 – I found the Tardis!
April 2014 – Holi Festival of Colors
May 2014 – and once again… Painted Angels
June 2014 – This Day
July 2014 – Wishing for a more relaxing time
August 2014 – I raised these...
September 2014 – Star Lord… Maybe you’ve heard of me
October 2014 – The Toy Room Collection
November 2014 – Short People Got No Reason!
December 2014 – His first date
Well… The New Year brought me something a little unexpected… unexpected because I forgot about it… It brought me a several hundred dollar charge to my bank account… One not budgeted and one I am going to have to tighten the belt on our budget to cover… for something that I seemed to have lost my passion for… for something that had become an after thought… it started to feel like a task… and nobody cared if I did it or not… and I discovered other ways to keep my head from imploding with all the words I pour out here… Yes… Here… Smiffbib.com… My Domain renewed for another 3 years automatically… 3 Years! Can you believe it? I have been writing here for 3 years… I sat and thought for a few moments about what I had accomplished here… and the resounding answer was… NOT A DAMN THING!… and I chuckled to myself because… well… what did I ever hope to accomplish here… this blog is like that seinfeld comedy show… it is about nothing… and I never hoped to accomplish anything more than that… Well… That much was a success…. What has the last 3 years brought me… My new husband (Mr. Amazing) bought me Smiffbib as a gift… we have been through some of the most amazing adventures… trials… illnesses… deaths… all of those thoughts and been poured out into here… hidden in the craziest stories… silly pictures… one self discovery after another… all of the smalls milestones … every fear… every dark corner of depression… every broken thought… Pictures of Disneyland… screams of frustration at the tea party passing bills about my vagina… buried my first grandchild… my exhusband/sons father… and others so close to me…
One day I am going to write something so life changing that people will quote me… they will say Smiffbib and people will know what that means… Or not.
Last year at this time I thought I would be somewhere completely different than I am now… and that was my resolution.
Did you know how far you can come inside yourself without any external changes? Did you know how much you could be okay inside yourself no matter what kind of chaos is carrying on around you?
I have no idea what this new year will bring… none… I have no idea where I will be the next time this domain is up for renewal… I hope I have as much to say about them as I have this last three… Mr. Amazing just called me from the office.. He transferred the money into my bank account… he told me to stop worrying… I could keep Smiffbib… so I suppose I will have somewhere to record them all…
Soooo… I guess it is time to get out of this bed… and begin the new year.
Shout out to my favorite writing group of all time… and Kats prompt for getting me all resolutiony today… I have written 464 posts… here is to another couple hundred more.
“The house was haunted. Well, at least it was haunted while I was there. As soon as I left, the house cleared up.
” – Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise
I remember when I was 15… a group of us kids took some canned food for donations and entry into the haunted house just a few days before Halloween… I was so excited… I loved Halloween.. I loved scary movies… I loved being out late at night with my friends… and then I heard the chainsaw roar… and we walked through the doors …
I am behind my friend and have strong-armed him into position directly in front of me… Like a shield… someone you never see walks around the room… occasionally pausing to stroke your face or jab at your neck with a hand in strangle formation or the point of something sharp… You never see any of this coming. It just happens. In the dark.
Chain saws… screams… CLOWNS… it is 45 minutes of hell… most of which my eyes are closed… I can now feel my friends skin through the t shirt that I have shredded while clinging to it… Later… he shows me actual claw marks left on his back… as he informs me I was the scariest part of the whole experience for him.
Never ever again did I go to a haunted house… I ride through spook rides at amusement parks with my eyes closed and act like I enjoy the whole thing… This past Friday Small Child asked to go with some friends to the SAME HAUNTED HOUSE (I could not make this up) I agree to let him go… I even offer to drive them… I drop them off at the gate warning them to be careful… and I move to the furthest location of the parking lot and I wait… allowing them to believe I have left.
THERE IS NO WAY I AM LEAVING MY BABY THERE!
after sitting there in the dark 10 minutes or so… I hear the scraping of feet draggin through the gravel of the lot… It is pitch black… I start looking frantically around me… I see several figures moving through the parking lot… in rags… and walking with a dead limb or a dislocated looking shoulder… SHIT!… I text Mr. Amazing…. he is soooooo sorry… BAM! on my back window… and swamp voodoo mans face is pressed up against the glass… I scream … pee a little (okay not really… but if my bladder had had ANYTHING in it… would’ve happened)
and flipped the stupid kid off
OH HELL NO!
I crack my window and inform the monsters that I am waiting for some teens that are inside… and they can move on to the next victim… and spend the next hour checking all my mirrors like a wild woman.
Small child loved it.
Next year he can drive his own damn self!
Shout out for this walk down memory lane… and the nightmares are dedicated to the greatest writers workshop in the world!
Something that scared you when you were young…are you still afraid?
So I have been sick for a couple weeks… I am sick still…. I just didnt want you guys to stop checking back…. or to trigger any abandonment issues you may… ha ha
Happiness and Joy have kind of been my theme this week… you see… sometimes I can’t find my joy… sometimes it is buried down so deep under those days we don’t talk about very often… because when we are capable of talking about them… we remind ourselves not to dwell on them. The days that my head is clear enough for rational thought I choose happiness… misery is optional on those days… we all know someone who chooses misery… who is comfortable is wallowing in their own self loathing… or belief that nothing is good… that everything is against them… avoid them. It took me a long time to learn I could choose happiness… that wallowing in misery didn’t make me more poetic or beautiful… I’ve learned a lot… the hard way… Some of this I simply read somewhere… but I wish someone would have told me….
There are no grown-ups. We suspect this when we are younger… we were right.
Life is too short to have “Lunch” with people you don’t want to.
Life is too long to not take care of yourself… or at least your knees.
There are no soul mates… Not in the traditional sense, at least… and you will miss out on some near soul mates… this goes for friends as well.
To stop spending too little time with the right people
Chin Hair… it happens… and it isn’t the end of the world… Stop crying and Pluck that shit.
Stop.. I repeat Stop googling everything you are worried about. It does not help.
Start googling everything you are curious about… discover your passions.
Eight hours of continuous… unmedicated sleep is one of life’s great pleasures.
Shout out to MamaKat and her awesome writing prompts this week!!!