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Drink. Drank. Drunk…

This public display of drunkenness and debauchery is dedicated to Mama Kats World Famous Writing Prompts! “Write a blog post inspired by the word: Drunk”

mama kats

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THE END

… Magic Happened

mama kats Share a recent text exchange that made you laugh.

Mr. Amazing: Hello

Me: Hiya

Mr. Amazing: Did I directly or indirectly make you grumpy with me?

Me:Nope… Im not grumpy

Mr. Amazing: Okay, I love you

Me: I love you too

Mr. Amazing:  you seemed grumpy, but it could have been my imagination

Me: I am always grumpy when sleeping… I butchered the shit out of my bangs this morning… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: OMG – ROFL

Me: bahahahaha I should have cut them last night

Mr. Amazing:  how bad are they?

Me: ummmm on a scale from 1 – 10? they are fucked up bahahaha I was on cold medicine, didnt have my contacts in, the mirror was foggy from the shower, I used house scissors… and magic happened

Mr. Amazing:  OMG

Me: #everythingisawesome
Mr. Amazing:
scenegirl_shortish uglybang
LOL I loooove you!

Me: ROTFLMAO! They arent that bad
I mean… they are bad… but I didnt call into work and run to the salon or anything be nice or I will try to straighten them up with these scissors at my desk…. which I have also done before

Mr. Amazing:

Steve-Tyler-funny

Me:

20141007_080725

Mr: Amazing : Straighter than a catholic priest, wait… straighter than that LOL, they are fine I was picturing a butcher job half way up your forehead, I was scared for you.

This Day..

With no make up… and in pajamas… laughing uncontrollably… we middle aged middle class middle of the day took selfies!

This man is the love of my life… that is all…

US

Discussion In The car. ..
Me: <to smallest child> believe it or not I love your daddy more today than I did when I married him.
Mr. Amazing: I love her more too
Smallest Child: I love  more than then too.
Small Child: don’t expect any mushy stuff from me guys. .. seriously

 

Having your cake and eating it too…

mama kats A blog post inspired by the word: sweet

Okay… I will be honest… I read through the prompts this week and just couldn’t come up with a single thing… So I went to my fall back and depended on others to make the magic happen, and by magic I mean cake!

me:  I want cake

Mr. Amazing:  LOL that was random

 me:  Random yes… but true still …in fact, even more than cake… I want pie

Mr. Amazing:   Lemon Rasperry cake 4

 me:  okay… fuck pie… I want that cake

Mr. Amazing:   ROFL

 me:  these things are important dear!

Mr. Amazing:   should I stop by the bakery on the way home? ROFL

 me:  I dont think the bakery will have that cake…And now that I have seen it… nothing else will do…I should show it to The Cookie wife LMAO!

 Mr. Amazing:  ROFLMAO it is butter-cream with lemon curd and fresh raspberries

http://dailydelicious.blogspot.com/2012/01/lemon-raspberry-cake-with-lemon.html

 me:  Cookie Wife… we need to have a serious talk…

I know cookies is your thing… I get that…

I married into the idea…. but… I NEED this cake

Lemon Rasperry cake 4

CookieWife:  LOL!! It looks tasty!!

 me:  I NEED it, from the very pit of my soul!

it is butter-cream with lemon curd

and fresh raspberries

Mr. Amazing:  ROFLMAO

 me:  Why is everyone laughing! This is serious! clear to the pit of my soul I NEED that cake …. BAHAHAHA

Mr. Amazing:  Why are you laughing then?

 me:  because I am deranged…. I part of my soul is missing… I think its that cake!

CookieWife:  Where’s the recipe???

 me:  http://dailydelicious.blogspot.com/2012/01/lemon-raspberry-cake-with-lemon.html

 CookieWife:  It has GRAM and CELSIUS measurements!!!!

Where did you find it??

 me:  LOL! I just saw the pic and hunted it down ROTFL!

 CookieWife:  If you convert all the measurements, I’ll bake it! ;)

me:  SHADDUP! I will get Mr Amazing in on this… 

 me: It has GRAM and CELSIUS measurements!!!!

If you convert all the measurements, She’ll bake it! ;)

MR AMAZING!!  I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Mr. Amazing:  ROFLMAO http://www.onlineconversion.com/ temperature is Celsius and weight is grams

 me:  Quick! Find me another cake…

UPDATE!!!
2014-05-21 14.37.51
These magical little goodies showed up at my office today… they are Lemon Curd and Fresh Raspberries on Shortcake? I think… They were divine! I have the coolest life ever. That is all

NSFW… in a SFW kinda way

Well… I’ve also got to introduce a new character I suppose to this blog…She needs a name… Let’s just call her the CoffeelessCanadian…

Ya kinda hafta come in mid conversation… Be warned… this is a real thing however… and I wouldn’t click the links if you are at work or have small children around you… but you will eventually need to click the links… because… someone somewhere out there is wearing that underwear… and you wouldn’t even know it. Also… I used the NSFW acronym because well… its funny… and this (SFW) but all the JUNK is covered… I don’t wanna be staring at it… hell I do not even know how they walk around with those things!

69f

Chat:

CoffeelessCanadian: You know you are going to get us both some for CHRISTMAS!

Me: Can’t… I’ve already ordered you this for Christmas – Real EBAY Auction Link (NSFW) 

IMAGE HERE (NSFW)

CoffeelessCanadian: OMG STOP GOGGLING THEM!

Me: They could have at least waxed… just sayin’

CoffeelessCanadian: ROTFL that’s what you notice??? I’m trying to figure out why he is smelling his pits

Me: ROTFLMAO! They are wearing rubber-bands over their JUNK and that is what you notice?

CoffeelessCanadian: I Don’t want him. He is tooooo young and he’d be sloppy GUARANTEED! and I want pants.

Me:  Woman.. anyone that wants whatever kinda man in that thong has issues. It just looks painful!

CoffeelessCanadian: Good hell woman! PANTS! move on… too young.. and judging by his nose placement he has not showered in a while

Me: What if it becomes a swimsuit trend!

CoffeelessCanadian: Then I am putting in my own friggin pool!

Me: Right? Cause your father in law… or any father for that matter…. You are welcome

CoffeelessCanadian: OMG I may officially hate you for that.

Me: BLOGGING THIS!

Totes… This is my jam!!!

Mr. Amazing:  ILTIS is going to be my new “catch all response”

me:  Huh?

Mr. Amazing:  I laughed ’til I stopped – ILTIS or Iltis

me:  LOL You are killing me… You need sleep

Mr. Amazing:  Iltis

me:  Quit that, every time you type it all I see is the word tits

Mr. Amazing:  iltis – it’s my new jam

me:  BAHAHAHA

Mr. Amazing:  IMNJ or IMJ – I like it IMJ – iltis

me:  Crazy Pants

Mr. Amazing:  IMJ baby

me:  Im done talking to you until you say words… words that mean things

Mr. Amazing:  I know, it’s difficult to parse

me:  you are grounded

Mr. Amazing: from difficult parsing?

me:  LOL you are a brat

Mr. Amazing: my vocabulary diversity increases when I am drowsy

me:  So does the humor I find in you.

Mr. Amazing I am 100% humor free certified and guaranteed

me:  No, Quite the opposite

Mr. Amazing:  is 520 calories a low-calorie drink?

me:  Ummmm No

Mr. Amazing:  Oh – iltis

me:  LMAO! I am tearing those letters off your keyboard

Mr. Amazing:  IMJ Kerry

me:  A JAM IS A SONG!

Mr. Amazing:  IMJ

me:  LMAO!!! You are going to be the death of me… literally

Mr. Amazing:  I am broadening a colloquial term for personal and casual use that may have an alternate and beneficial effect of causing irritation in others – IMJ

me:  no… just no

Mr. Amazing:  JS, IMJ (just sayin’) that just happened

me:  ROTFLMAO!!!

Mr. Amazing:  TJH, OMG, TJH, IMJ, JS

me:  Quit it!!

Mr. Amazing:  OK

me:  LOL

Mr. Amazing:  iltis

me:  You are making me laugh so hard there are tears

Mr. Amazing:  I’m sorry JS – IS … HFS, IS, that’s totes IMJ

me:  I cant even keep up any more… and you are too old to say totes

Mr. Amazing:  (Holy Fucking Shit) HFS it’s gonna be a thing JS

me:  Thats it… Blogging it

Mr. Amazing:  HFS, TJH, fo sho

This is my favorite pic of Mr. Amazing in all the world... JS...

This is my favorite pic of Mr. Amazing in all the world… JS…

I love it when he talks dirty to me…

Chat :)

 me:  I am buying “King Sized” Muffin tins on amazon… that is all… Imma make all kinds of stuff in those things… I found more ideas… some include yummy dinner things

 

Mr. Amazing:  lol dinner muffins

 

me:  Mini Meatloafs dude! Its gonna happen (Those are words I never ever thought I would say… ever… I have made it a point to NEVER make meatloaf)

 

Mr. Amazing:  Ugh

 

me:  But actually… I was thinking this little taco recipe… LOL and there are other things… chicken bakes… etc.

 

Mr. Amazing: tacos and muffins – seems suspicious

 

me:  Bahahaha Just go with it… im cooking shit… its a miracle

 

Mr. Amazing: I was more thinking that with all of this talk about tacos and muffins…

 

me:  What!.. what ya gonna say? LOLOLOL!

 

Mr. Amazing:  Urban Dictionary … that is all

 

me:  BAHAHAHA!

 

Mr. Amazing:Any number of possibly insulting, more than likely crude, nsfw and otherwise inappropriate comments may ensue (that would be a hilarious tagline for smiffbib)

 

me:  YES! Yes it would!

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO

I totally made these btw. My Cookie Wife would be so proud!!!

9 Grain Bread, Cage Free Brown Eggs, Swiss Cheese, and Turkey Bacon.

9 Grain Bread, Cage Free Brown Eggs, Swiss Cheese, and Turkey Bacon.

 

Fat Tuesday on Funday Friday :)

Technically this is just a bunch of Gibberish… but it makes me laugh… really there are even two morals to this story…. Bread and Butter Pickles are Nasty…. and Mr Amazing swears a lot when lacking sleep.

Mr. Amazing:  today is dragging so bad that the day itself is literally sad

me:  Its so sad its comfort eating… that is why its Fat Tuesday

Mr. Amazing:  Fat Tuesday is literally a giant horrible sad monster baby crying for it’s mama

me:  and its mama is a doughnut!

Mr. Amazing: literally

me:  I want one

Mr. Amazing:  I literally went out on a limb with that one

me:  Bahahaha

Mr. Amazing: irregardless of the mama doughnut

me:  We should get doughnuts

Mr. Amazing: LOL I am figuratively a horrible person

me:  You are full of all the words

Mr. Amazing:  irregardless literally bothers me to death

me:  Your words make me wanna throat punch you

Mr. Amazing:  so does “aint’ got none”

me:  OH OH! how about “Aint nobody gots time fo dat!”

Mr. Amazing: one doughnut and a side of pithy sarcasm

me:  instead- I am feeding you a hot dog for dinner… and your gonna like it

Mr. Amazing:  use gonna like it

me:  With chips on the side- I am literally not cooking shit

Mr. Amazing:good, because I really, really, really want to avoid you literally cooking shit

me:  BAHAHAHA

Mr. Amazing:  in fact, compared to literal shit, hot dogs seem pretty okay

me:  Thats why I present it that, we helps with expectations

Mr. Amazing: Yes, thanks for lower my expectations to a reasonable (if not menial) level

me:  I have hotdog buns… its a gourmet meal

Mr. Amazing: Oh yeah!

me:  I dont even wanna eat the hot dogs

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO Hows about with pickles and sauerkraut

me:  Maybe with Sauerkraut but… even then im not so sure… maybe smothered in Nacho Cheese

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO that sounds nasty

me:  I like cheese (Stating the obvious is my super power)

Mr. Amazing: General Obvious?

me:  Ahem… Captain….Obviously

Mr. Amazing:  Fine… Captain Obvious I got paid!

me:  OH! (We still have to eat the hotdogs, or the buns will go stale)

Mr. Amazing:  Okay But we can have dessert…. <evil laughter>

me:  LOL! Actually- If you send me money… I might really go buy Saurkraut

Mr. Amazing:  OMG – Day… Fucking END

me:  14 minutes

Mr. Amazing: Seriously, I am about to BITCH slap FAT Tuesday

me:  ROTFLMAO!!! I CANNOT believe you just said that

Mr. Amazing:  I am laughing at my desk like an idiot

me:  Ditto

Mr. Amazing: Kerry… I can’t stop

me:  Do you want chili for your hot dogs? You need sleep

Mr. Amazing:  I want mustard

me:  we have mustard

Mr. Amazing: and pickles

me:  Uhhhh Im not sure where we are the pickle front

Mr. Amazing: cuz I think the we have the… “It’s a TRAP!!!”

pickles in the fridge the bread and butter tastes like shit evil pickles of doom

Fuck you Bread n’ Butter pickles… Fuck you….

 me:  ROTFLMAO! Gimme your monies! I will buy you pickles… and destroy the enemy ones

Slurpees on Saturday.

Me: Saturday is all good to go still. If <insert adorable niece anonymity here> falls off the bed, imma punch her in da face… I am ready for a night with no kiddos I think…

Mr. Amazing:  OMG I know, Lots of kids. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it, It will be nice to have a night with just the two of us, That way I can upset you without the smalls mocking me

 

me:  Bahahaha!!! Sounds like a romantic evening

 

Mr. Amazing:  Well, we all know the universal constant, I will do something stupid

 

me:  No uh, you do not…Quit that…You are amazing and I miss having slurpees with you

 

Mr. Amazing:  lol we have a night scheduled for it now

 

me:  ROTFL!

 

Mr. Amazing: Let me just pencil that in

 

me:  BAHAHAH! I was just trying to make you blush!

 

Mr. Amazing:  There, I put it on the calendar

 

me:  You behave

 

Mr. Amazing:   Slurpees with wife between 10 PM and 8 AM

 

me:  That long?

 

Mr. Amazing:  Just covering my bases

 

me:  BAHAHAH! okay okay, stop

 

Mr. Amazing:   I wouldn’t want something to get scheduled on top of that

 

me:  Oh comeon! just once let me shock you!

 

Mr. Amazing:  I am shocked

 

me:  bratface

Mr. Amazing:  seriously though it’s scheduled I set a 1 hour reminder  It’s a new moon on the 1st That’s also on my calendar

 

me:  ROTFLMAO!

 

Mr. Amazing:   it just says “Slurpees with Wife”

 

me:  ROTFLMAO! You know whats gonna happen now dontcha?

 

Mr. Amazing:   We won’t be able to I’m taking it off of my calendar just in case no offense

 

me:  ROTFL!!! Im Blogging this!

Mr. Amazing:  No you are not

me:  Ummmm Still blogging it

 

Mr. Amazing  nope I don’t need my mother to know what my slurpee schedule is, Oh Jeebus don’t blog it

I am going to create a blog called”Don’t Blog It!”

me:  What if I swap out the word sex for slurpees!!!

images

Death of the Stache

mama katsCapture a conversation shared between kids.

I am cheating… lets just get that out of the way right now… because there is a conversation that happened tonight … between Small Child and Mr. Amazing (Who I understand technically is not a  kid… but he plays video games… and makes up song lyrics about pooping… and twerks … so I rest my case) … and I am going to have to paraphrase a bit… even though this took place only an hour and a half ago… memories get sketchy under great duress… so you get the following

Mr Amazing: Dude, that stache has got to go… Like tonight… I can’t let you go to school again with that on your face… I will get one of your moms razors and some soap and do it if I have too

Small Child: REALLY? Because she won’t let me shave!!

Me: <Nothing because I am DYING INSIDE>

Mr Amazing: He needs to shave it tonight

Small Child: I’ll get the shaving kit!

Tall child gave him this as a gift when he was 12 much to his delight, and much to my dismay, which I promptly took away and “hid” in the top of the hall closet, apparently not fooling anyone because he got it right away

Mr Amazing: You have to charge it first

Small Child flips the switch and it buzz’s to life… assholes.

Mr Amazing: Curl your lip like this and go up and down over it until you get all the hair off

Small Child: Does it hurt?

Mr Amazing: No, its just like getting a hair cut

Small Child: I’m Nervous!

He walks into the bathroom, does the weird poke his lip out wrapping it around his teeth face at the mirror and begins BUTCHERING my very SOUL… I hear the hair cutting from his face… that I had been properly ignoring for the last 30 days or so… as the “peach fuzz” turned  brown and no matter how many times I told him to wash his face it just wouldn’t come off

Mr Amazing: You missed a spot!!

Small Child: Did I get it?

Mr Amazing: Hold still … gimme that…

Small Child: I got this!

More buzzing

Mr Amazing: There! Looks much better!

Small Child: Can I use aftershave

AFTER SHAVE??? HE HAS AFTER SHAVE??? Apparently he does! Because he comes back all man smelling.

Me: We are celebrating this manhood with Gingerbread shakes!

Translation: Im eating my feelings… with a Gingerbread Shake!

THE END (of my story, and the conversation, and my sanity and HIS CHILDHOOD! Dammit)

Stach