Articles

Feb 25 2014

Slurpees on Saturday.

Author: Kerry

Me: Saturday is all good to go still. If <insert adorable niece anonymity here> falls off the bed, imma punch her in da face… I am ready for a night with no kiddos I think…

Mr. Amazing: OMG I know, Lots of kids. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it, It will be nice to have a night with just the two of us, That way I can upset you without the smalls mocking me

me: Bahahaha!!! Sounds like a romantic evening

Mr. Amazing: Well, we all know the universal constant, I will do something stupid

me: No uh, you do not…Quit that…You are amazing and I miss having slurpees with you

Mr. Amazing: lol we have a night scheduled for it now

me: ROTFL!

Mr. Amazing: Let me just pencil that in

me: BAHAHAH! I was just trying to make you blush!

Mr. Amazing: There, I put it on the calendar

me: You behave

Mr. Amazing: Slurpees with wife between 10 PM and 8 AM

me: That long?

Mr. Amazing: Just covering my bases

me: BAHAHAH! okay okay, stop

Mr. Amazing: I wouldn’t want something to get scheduled on top of that

me: Oh comeon! just once let me shock you!

Mr. Amazing: I am shocked

me: bratface

Mr. Amazing: seriously though it’s scheduled I set a 1 hour reminder It’s a new moon on the 1st That’s also on my calendar

me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: it just says “Slurpees with Wife”

me: ROTFLMAO! You know whats gonna happen now dontcha?

Mr. Amazing: We won’t be able to I’m taking it off of my calendar just in case no offense

me: ROTFL!!! Im Blogging this!

Mr. Amazing: No you are not

me: Ummmm Still blogging it

Mr. Amazing nope I don’t need my mother to know what my slurpee schedule is, Oh Jeebus don’t blog it

I am going to create a blog called”Don’t Blog It!”

me: What if I swap out the word sex for slurpees!!!

Dec 11 2013

Death of the Stache

Author: Kerry

Capture a conversation shared between kids.

I am cheating… lets just get that out of the way right now… because there is a conversation that happened tonight … between Small Child and Mr. Amazing (Who I understand technically is not a kid… but he plays video games… and makes up song lyrics about pooping… and twerks … so I rest my case) … and I am going to have to paraphrase a bit… even though this took place only an hour and a half ago… memories get sketchy under great duress… so you get the following

Mr Amazing: Dude, that stache has got to go… Like tonight… I can’t let you go to school again with that on your face… I will get one of your moms razors and some soap and do it if I have too

Small Child: REALLY? Because she won’t let me shave!!

Me: <Nothing because I am DYING INSIDE>

Mr Amazing: He needs to shave it tonight

Small Child: I’ll get the shaving kit!

Tall child gave him this as a gift when he was 12 much to his delight, and much to my dismay, which I promptly took away and “hid” in the top of the hall closet, apparently not fooling anyone because he got it right away

Mr Amazing: You have to charge it first

Small Child flips the switch and it buzz’s to life… assholes.

Mr Amazing: Curl your lip like this and go up and down over it until you get all the hair off

Small Child: Does it hurt?

Mr Amazing: No, its just like getting a hair cut

Small Child: I’m Nervous!

He walks into the bathroom, does the weird poke his lip out wrapping it around his teeth face at the mirror and begins BUTCHERING my very SOUL… I hear the hair cutting from his face… that I had been properly ignoring for the last 30 days or so… as the “peach fuzz” turned brown and no matter how many times I told him to wash his face it just wouldn’t come off

Mr Amazing: You missed a spot!!

Small Child: Did I get it?

Mr Amazing: Hold still … gimme that…

Small Child: I got this!

More buzzing

Mr Amazing: There! Looks much better!

Small Child: Can I use aftershave

AFTER SHAVE??? HE HAS AFTER SHAVE??? Apparently he does! Because he comes back all man smelling.

Me: We are celebrating this manhood with Gingerbread shakes!

Translation: Im eating my feelings… with a Gingerbread Shake!

THE END (of my story, and the conversation, and my sanity and HIS CHILDHOOD! Dammit)

Nov 01 2013

Right in the parts!

Author: Kerry

Mr. Amazing: I don’t get paid for a while Kerry
and I think it’s important that you know that I want a keyboard
me: ROTFL!
Mr. Amazing: It makes me sad inside
me: Im sorry you are sad inside.
Mr. Amazing: in my sad because I can’t have a toy part of my body
me: I have learned one thing with you… When you get the toy… you just get sad over the next thing you want
Mr. Amazing: LOL… I really wish that I could deny that
me: But you cant
Mr. Amazing: I could be disingenuous and say that it’s all lies…and that toy “x” would make me whole my favorite toys are my nixie clock and that lamp sitting in a box
me: I remember… your life long dream… and the passion you had for getting it… you had wanted it your whole life…
Mr. Amazing: just thought you should know
me: and now its buried in junk on your dresser
Mr. Amazing:it makes me sad in the “I want my clock to be pretty” part of my body
me: “Look at these tubes kerry… they were made in the cold war”
Mr. Amazing: They were… Just sayin’ and in the early part of the cold war not the Reagan Gorbachev shaking hands pretty phase of the relationship
me: ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: Your laughter hurts me in the “you don’t like my petty toys” part of my body
me: Its a good thing you have all these parts…. do you have the Oh god she is rolling her eyes at me and its killing me part too? because that happened
Mr. Amazing: yeah… I felt a twinge that was a lot like that a few seconds ago … it was either that or gas… but I am pretty sure it was that
and it was painful
and I could feel a tear swelling in the corner of my eye
and then a co-worker was about to walk by, so I forced the tear back in
me: LOL! Man up tear ducts!
Mr. Amazing: man up… man up… sad tear ducts…deep down I know you are laughing at me…. not with me
me: ROTFLMAO! Right at you… at your parts
Mr. Amazing: deep down in the “she’s mocking me” part of my body it’s hurting me right in the feelings
me: Where is the “Oh God she is going to blog this” part of your body… because Im laughing at it now
Mr. Amazing: It’s right next to my central shame center… It’s part of my Central Anxiety System

TEN MINUTES LATER

Mr Amazing: Kerry… I love Mac OS X

Oct 01 2013

The Cookie Wife…

Author: Kerry

Share a Fall recipe that you’re loving this season.

Soooo I don’t really cook… or bake… But I do love me some fall recipes… So let me let you in on a little secret I have… It’s kind of a magical thing…. I live in Utah… Where not only do plural marriages have a reputation of being practiced… but some of the best baking happens! So I did the only logical thing I could do …. I took a cookie wife! You heard me right!

me: <Yawn/stretch/puts an arm over her shoulder move/Drops Recipe in lap>

Cookie Wife: Aren’t you hilarious???

me: Smoooooth… I believe the word you were looking for is smooth

Cookie Wife: Or subtle…

me: Bahahaha!

Cookie Wife: Guess what is the best thing ever??

me: ??

Cookie Wife: Maple blueberry sausage!!! I’ll bet I could make it just as yummy with ground turkey!

me: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM I wanna eat it all!

Cookie Wife: I made blueberry pancakes, maple blueberry sausage, crock pot hash brown scrambled eggs & juice & milk.

me: … Small Child ate at school … I ate a leftover taco time bean burrito.

HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE!!!

Sep 23 2013

Its the finer things…. really.

Author: Kerry

WARNING- THIS MAY ONLY BE FUNNY TO THE SLEEP DEPRIVED.

me: I should grocery shop tonight…I so way don’t even want to!

Mr. Amazing: I am really sorry (it’s what I say now right?)

me: it’s cool… It just means you are getting fried chicken and potato logs for dinner

Mr. Amazing: 🙁

me: So if that doesn’t sound good for dinner… what does

Mr. Amazing: Sounds good = tomatoes and cucumbers in vinegar with fancy cheese and crackers

me: Oohhhh That sounds yummy… What else should I be buying… I gotta be honest… my head is not in the game… I don’t even know what that means

Mr. Amazing: I was laughing when I read that I imagined the announcer voice… “oooh Kerry’s heads not in the game, what d’ya think Chuck” “Well Bill, Kerry normally scores in the high 300s, today may be a down day.” “Well Chuck let’s hope that she can find the groove as she heads down to the frozen foods section”

me: Really… I just pictured me standing in the middle of the fruit and veggie sections screaming FUMBLE! Wanna do some potatoes again?

Mr. Amazing: lol, that sounds good

me: What else sounds good…You be in charge dammit!

Mr. Amazing: dammit- clam chowder in sourdough bread bowls

me: Ohhhh that sounds good

Mr. Amazing: spaghetti with beef tips and veggies in spicy sauce with aged mozzarella, capers and olives

me: Uhhhhhhhh

Mr. Amazing: with rosemary bread on the side

me: BAHAHAHAHA! That’s the funniest shit you have said all day…I say fuck this whole shopping idea, we are eating at 7-11… Slurpee’s for dessert?

Mr. Amazing: cannolis stuffed with spiced sausage and spices with noodles and marinara with myzithra cheese

me: <headdesk>

Mr. Amazing: with pistachio cheesecake and raspberry sauce

me: Meow

Mr. Amazing: and…

me: You should have married your cookie wife if you didn’t want to eat at 7-11 for dinner

Mr. Amazing: hand trimmed steaks marinated in lime chili sauce with rice and veggies in a light cheese/butter sauce with some sparkling spumante grape juice and some ice cream on top of homemade peach pie for desert

there, done… any other questions?

me: Okay… Crack head… Taquitos then?

Mr. Amazing: : ROFLMAO or you should get a super awesome job and I will stay home and cook and hire a maid to clean

me: YOU should! I will stay home and boss her around… The maid

Mr. Amazing: Like a BOSS

me: She will have to cook too

Mr. Amazing: lemon blueberry cheesecake with marscapone and whipped cream and lemon zest on top

me: No Slurpee for you! you ingrate!

Mr. Amazing: okay, okay I want a Slurpee and an all beef hot dog

me: ROTFLMAO! I am not really going to 7-11 But I love that you settled … on dinner… on life… you know… in general

Mr. Amazing: like I am going to lose my Slurpee

me: BAHAHAHA! Its the finer things in life that get us through

Mr. Amazing: yes, like wine flavored soda pop

me: Exactly!

UPDATED – What he came home too:

Jul 19 2013

Giant Gummy Say What??

Author: Kerry

Mr Amazing:

Mr Amazing: This just doesn’t look right – looks like you could buy it at one of those “slumber parties”

Me: UMM OMG OMG!!! You bought me that giant gummy coke right? RIGHT?

Mr Amazing: Nope, did you read my comment on the gummy worm?

Me: I read it… But I got sidetracked by the thought of that coke bottle!

Mr Amazing:

Me: Would you focus! GIANT GUMMY COKE BOTTLE!

((Gross on the giant gummy worm btw.))

May 24 2013

… He wears the pants… literally

Author: Kerry

Mr. Amazing: I know who wears the pants in this house

me: It is you!

Mr. Amazing: me?

me: Unless it comes to activity planning

Mr. Amazing: or dinner

me: You wear the pants

Mr. Amazing: or cleaning

or…

me: Well… you bring home the bacon?

Mr. Amazing: wait, what am I in charge of?

me: I fry it up in a pan? and never ever let you forget your a man… Like that… Feminists everywhere are combusting spontaneously and they dont know why

Mr. Amazing: never ever let me forget I’m a man? really? you just typed that?

me: Its a song!

Mr. Amazing: how do you remind me that I’m a man, exactly?

me: The song said it!

Mr. Amazing: hold up

me: No no no… you hold up!

Mr. Amazing: so you are quoting lyrics from a song

me: You made me type that… I blame you

Mr. Amazing: but not with intentions of meaning what you are typing.

me: that whole pants in the family bull shit

Mr. Amazing: lol you are just upset because everyone thinks you run this house

me: I am actually! Because I don’t! You all do, and I just help you do it right ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: I could disappear for a year and people would barely notice I was gone

me: Liar! You know that isnt true

Mr. Amazing: the dishes would be done, the house would be spotless

you could have a robot leave paper towels in random locations

and leave clothes in the bathrooms

and watch TV

me: I totally would never buy that robot, Just sayin

Mr. Amazing: they may notice the lack of paper and mess

me: This is all on you… You are as big of a contributor as you choose to be

Mr. Amazing: from now on, only I wear that pants

(Click on image for a better look)

me: I AM SOOOO BLOGGING THAT! OMG!

Apr 26 2013

Kicking in the general direction :)

Author: Kerry

G-Chat

Mr. Amazing: … so get this… I walk over to a Co-Workers’ desk this morning and lean against the wall and start talking to him, I realize he looks distracted, won’t look me in the face… etc… weird… so as I am walking away, I realize that my zipper is all the way down, like scary low… and I am like … OMG! run to the bathroom and then come back to tell you… yeah… okay, and you realize that this is the guy that I told earlier in the year, that BFGoodrich invented the zipper yeah…

me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: he invented the zipper Kerry

me: I totally blogged that! (TRUST ME People… you want to read that)

Mr. Amazing: good thing

me: People loved it

Mr. Amazing: yeah, I used to make you laugh all the time with my crazy antics, now that you know me better

it just causes shame

me: No shame!

Mr. Amazing: Are you with him?

you look down

you are like… no

I mean maybe

I mean no

me: LMAO! never

Mr. Amazing: who?

that guy with the scraggly beard and stains on him

Is that your husband?

no….

are you sure….

yeah….

me: Whatever, I think you are adorable.

Mr. Amazing: Yeah, that’s your husband

oh… <fake laugh>

yeah… that’s him

looking down

shame

me: Quit it… you know that isn’t true

Mr. Amazing: ROFL isn’t it? you are at the movie theater

me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: and there is this guy talking through the movie with stains all over himself and you are thinking, wow… he is amazing

me: Yes, yes I do

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO uh huh

me: Have you met me?

Mr. Amazing: nope, never met you, how do you do

me: Have I ever acted in public like I think you are anything less than wonderful?

Mr. Amazing: my name is Dorkface… yes you have “acted” like I am wonderful, for which I am eternally thankful ROFL

me: LOL! The only time I acted weird with you out in public, is the one time we ran into a girl from work while we were dating… and she was all “I’ve heard so much about you” and I was all OMG! She is going to tell him how I tell all the girls at work how amazing he is in the sack! and I kicked her

Mr. Amazing: you kicked her??!!! seriously??

me: You don’t remember?

Mr. Amazing: OMG, that was weird

me: ROTFL!

Mr. Amazing: no, I don’t remember you kicking her, I remember her being awkward and running away

me: I kicked in her general direction

Mr. Amazing: now I know why

me: LMAO!

Mar 27 2013

… in my neck of the woods.

Author: Kerry

Spring Sming … I’m not convinced it exists… it has been cold… and snowing still off and on … With just a dash of sunshiney days to keep us from going all “The Shining” on each other… so before I wrote a post complaining and moaning the woes of the winter that just won’t end… I jumped on my local news page to check the weather… because I am a good blogger… who takes her prompts seriously and never gets distracted off the topic… WTF is this???

Soooooo here is the discussion that spawned…

Tolman: I’m such a grammar/spelling snob…. *Loses *losing

me: BAHAHA! Yes! That is sad honestly … They are supposed to be professionals

Tolman: Good on that woman though! I should take up pole dancing!!!

me: Uhhh Somehow… I just know that’s how I would die…. Death by Pole Dancing to lose weight… you know it is true… I would fall on my head

Tolman: HAhahaahahaa!! Oh come on!!

me: You know its true… Broken Neck… From pole dancing

Tolman: It would make for a VERY interesting obituary!!!! Probably go viral!!!

me: Great! I will finally be discovered when I am dead

In conclusion… This is what Spring looks like in my neck of the woods…. and I am finally going to be discovered!!!

Inspired by

Feb 04 2013

Earth to Kerry…

Author: Kerry

Messages from Last Sunday…

Sue: Earth to Kerry – Kerry are you down there somewhere?

Me: Here I am… Buried in snow!

Sue: I’m in the hospital gonna have another surgery on Sunday

Me: You are? On what?

Sue: I’m so fucking scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What is the surgery on? Your knee?

Sue: On my knee to take out all the hardware from the replacement surgery

Me: Oh man.. That sounds painful

Sue: What do you think happens when you die?

Me: I think your soul is freed from the body and reunites with other familiar energies… And pranks those of us blinded by our physical bodies

I don’t think there is a single ounce of pain, or fear in the afterlife… Just a continuance of love

But I also think that you aren’t going anywhere yet

Sue: and what happens to evil people?

Me: I think that when freed from the body, the guilt of what they realize and the lack of loved ones makes them alone in the dark.

Sue: I SURE wish I could believe like you

I need to update my status and let family know whats a happening. Wanna write it for me?

Me: Yes I do…say this

Held hostage in hospital, they want my knee as payment! Send licorice

I love you sweetheart. I’m just trying to cheer you up

Sue: I wish you were here!

Me: I would have licorice!

Sue: LOL

Me: Okay woman, I have to go shovel two feet of snow… I will check on you in bit okay?

Danielle from Sue’s account : Hey Kerry, mom isn’t doing too well… She went into cardiac arrest today and is in critical condition. They did CPR for 20 mins and are sure there was some degree of brain injury… We don’t know exactly what caused it and haven’t got to see her yet they have her on a lot of machines right now.. Hopefully we will hear more soon

Me: Okay sweetie, praying for her.

Danielle from Sue’s account : They just said the prognosis doesn’t look good

Me: That breaks my heart… I’m hoping for the best

<6 am message>

Danielle from Sue’s account :Mom passed away a little after 4am

I shared this for a couple reasons… one being I wanted to keep it…. to remember my last conversation with my dear friend … the second being a sweet reminder that you never know… and you cant say you ‘I love you” too much…. Third and Last – It seems a little cliche doesn’t it? Her asking me that one week prior? But it happened? How did she know?

I want to know what you think happens when we die?

smiffbib

socially acceptable f@#% off!

Articles

Slurpees on Saturday.

Death of the Stache

Right in the parts!

The Cookie Wife…

Its the finer things…. really.

WARNING- THIS MAY ONLY BE FUNNY TO THE SLEEP DEPRIVED.

UPDATED – What he came home too:

Giant Gummy Say What??

… He wears the pants… literally

Kicking in the general direction :)

… in my neck of the woods.

Earth to Kerry…