Image from WikiCommons, taken by Elia Biraschi and used under the Creative Commons Agreement
I cannot walk through the suburbs in the solitude of the night without thinking that the night pleases us because it suppresses idle details, just as our memory does. ~Jorge Luis Borges
After finding refuge under a tree… though it’s roots make my lawned mattress a lumpy bed… where I slept away the daylight hours… with one eye open… and my wrist twists through the handles of my satchel to avoid it being lifted… to the sound of someones small children playing on the playground littered with broken glass and sharps of all variety… Knowing that people stared… pitied… loathed me… crossed the way to avoid me… patrol cars counting the hours before they can tell me to move… I did move finally.
I pass the homes… still some windows lit even at this late hour… my mouth is dry… I have no water… my stomach is angry that I have no food… my skin crusted with a salty layer of dried perspiration… the summer heat is not too far off… but here in the night it has not found me yet… Soon it will hunt me and haunt me even in the night… though I just barely have recovered from the last attack… a bitter winter war hunt that many of my tribe elders did not survive…
My shoes are so thin that I feel each crevice in the walk way… each piece of gravel beneath the parchment thin sole between my foot and the road.
My legs ache and knees stiffen giving my walk a quirky swing that will soon cause my hips and lower back to beg me to rest…
There is no rest for me… No where to sit… So I continue to shuffle along both longing and fearing the suns return
At every bench… and every bowery… there is the mark against me… the unwelcome sign.
and so I walk.
This is a work of fiction.
I see this each night in my city.
Do not cross the street from them.
Do not lend to their belief that they do not matter.
They are not invisible.
Every Life Matters.
Brought to you by…
The Light and Shade Challenge
I am lucky enough to be spending the day writing… granted I am writing from a waiting room… but I am the only one here.. and wow… the view is AWESOME!
Damn… first off… let me say… I’m looking mighty fine today…. no really… it’s just a good hair day and that is why I chose this prompt! “Find a photo of yourself taken 10 years ago and display it on your blog along with a current photo. How have you changed since the day that photo was taken?
I remember that day 10 years ago pictured below… on the beach… helping small child fly a kite for the first time… he was so small… and I just wanted to do whatever I could to help him feel like he could do anything, accomplish anything, be anything he wanted… here I am 10 years later… he is a pimply 15.5 year old… I am spending my day sitting outside of the Neurological Learning and Behavior Center while he goes through 5 hours of IQ and Learning testing… because not that much has changed in 10 year… I am still determined to do whatever it takes to let him know there is not a single thing he can not do… You see… my small (or not so small) is not an A student… never has been…. he is a C and D student… and he has had to work as hard for those C’s as so many kids do for an A… High School is burying him alive… and he is just a drop in the ocean of kids there… no one is helping… so we are going to get that help here… He is SO SMART and BRIGHT… he just learns differently than the school district is teaching him… and I will get this kiddo to college… if he wants it… even if it kills me… So in regards to that nothing has changed in the last ten years… other than my hair got FABULOUS! In 3 weeks this center will provide me a road map to help with his educational future and we will know the right steps to take to reach his goals and dreams… whatever they may be… currently it is to be an element bender… or spiderman…. Im not sure they have a class for that shit. Looking down at that picture besides the obvious observation I also have great skin now… I see a good Mom… a mom sitting out here in the waiting area blogging her anxiety away… taking selfies like a teenager just for you!
The prompt was compile a list of best posts and photos from the last year… So instead I compiled a list of posts about my favorite pictures! Check them out!
12 Reasons I Love My Life
January 2014 – From the Front Porch
February 2014 – Sometimes being me is pretty damn cool
March 2014 – I found the Tardis!
April 2014 – Holi Festival of Colors
May 2014 – and once again… Painted Angels
June 2014 – This Day
July 2014 – Wishing for a more relaxing time
August 2014 – I raised these...
September 2014 - Star Lord… Maybe you’ve heard of me
October 2014 – The Toy Room Collection
November 2014 – Short People Got No Reason!
December 2014 – His first date
Well… The New Year brought me something a little unexpected… unexpected because I forgot about it… It brought me a several hundred dollar charge to my bank account… One not budgeted and one I am going to have to tighten the belt on our budget to cover… for something that I seemed to have lost my passion for… for something that had become an after thought… it started to feel like a task… and nobody cared if I did it or not… and I discovered other ways to keep my head from imploding with all the words I pour out here… Yes… Here… Smiffbib.com… My Domain renewed for another 3 years automatically… 3 Years! Can you believe it? I have been writing here for 3 years… I sat and thought for a few moments about what I had accomplished here… and the resounding answer was… NOT A DAMN THING!… and I chuckled to myself because… well… what did I ever hope to accomplish here… this blog is like that seinfeld comedy show… it is about nothing… and I never hoped to accomplish anything more than that… Well… That much was a success…. What has the last 3 years brought me… My new husband (Mr. Amazing) bought me Smiffbib as a gift… we have been through some of the most amazing adventures… trials… illnesses… deaths… all of those thoughts and been poured out into here… hidden in the craziest stories… silly pictures… one self discovery after another… all of the smalls milestones … every fear… every dark corner of depression… every broken thought… Pictures of Disneyland… screams of frustration at the tea party passing bills about my vagina… buried my first grandchild… my exhusband/sons father… and others so close to me…
One day I am going to write something so life changing that people will quote me… they will say Smiffbib and people will know what that means… Or not.
Last year at this time I thought I would be somewhere completely different than I am now… and that was my resolution.
Did you know how far you can come inside yourself without any external changes? Did you know how much you could be okay inside yourself no matter what kind of chaos is carrying on around you?
I have no idea what this new year will bring… none… I have no idea where I will be the next time this domain is up for renewal… I hope I have as much to say about them as I have this last three… Mr. Amazing just called me from the office.. He transferred the money into my bank account… he told me to stop worrying… I could keep Smiffbib… so I suppose I will have somewhere to record them all…
Soooo… I guess it is time to get out of this bed… and begin the new year.
Shout out to my favorite writing group of all time… and Kats prompt for getting me all resolutiony today… I have written 464 posts… here is to another couple hundred more.
Write a post in just 12 lines.
… Going to work Monday mornings is like riding a bike
… And the bike is on fire…
And your clothes are on fire…
And everything’s on fire because you’re in Hell…
… At least Hell is warm
… it is 39 degrees today
4 pm start pintresting dinner ideas from the office…
call small child and see what I may or may not have in the freezer…
… Get non authentic… but oh so fattening Mexican food instead
… Think of getting a load of laundry done… maybe some writing… painting
Turn on the tv… remove bra… put on PJs … curl up on couch instead…
Check alarm for setness … promise myself it will be different tomorrow…
What grade is your child going to be in?
Share a memory you have of yourself at that same age
Sophomore… he is going to be a freaking Sophomore…. Kill me dead…
I paid the registration fees this week… I almost killed over then and there… I took him to get his learners permit… which he failed… ha! Well… So did I the first time… and that is exactly where our similarities end…
My Sophomore year… I lost my virginity… I had already experimented in every known substance invented at the time…and continued to do so… I smoked camel cigarettes… I had half my head shaved and the half that still had hair was a strange blend of black and purple… with my blonde roots poking through it… I wore clothes with bullet holes in them and safety pins… I owned and lived in combat boots… I drew thick black lines around my eyes and powdered my face with white makeup… I owned and used liberally black lipstick…I frightened small children … I am giggling as I type this… I listened only to Depeche Mode, The Cure, OMD, Eurasure, Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd… and the sound track to Phantom of the Opera…I was taken out of the school that year… twice… by ambulance.
<Knocking on all the wood I can reach>
My Small is enrolled in Musical Theater, He is playing the Viola in the Orchestra, His favorite music is from the 50’s or The Beatles, Johnny Cash, The Eagles, CCR, Three Dog Night… Everything I had never even heard of until he began to really discover his flavor of life. He has more manners in his little finger than I do in my entire being… and yet I keep taking the accolades for having such a polite young man… when the truth is he has taught me more about manners than I ever have him.
The mothers curse is such a common joke on social media… maybe my mother didn’t speak to me enough to utter the words… but I am screaming mine from the roof tops!
I HOPE HE HAS CHILDREN JUST LIKE HIM!
Smallest child is entering 3rd grade… 3rd graders tend to be assholes…I do not remember 3rd grade at all… but I will hold out the speaking of the curse words until her Sophomore year… just to be fair… because she is definitely JUST LIKE Mr. Amazing… I would assume his mother cursed him multiple times.
You have brought me nothing but pure joy since that very first moment… Watching you grow… absorbing the world around you… inquisitive and delighted to learn… I’m reminded each day of the miracles you bring into my world.
As all mothers do… I have goals… dreams and wishes for you
Don’t ever apologize for who you are, for what you want, for how hard you have worked or where you are going in life. I don’t doubt you will work hard… but I can already see signs that you are quick to apologize… to back down. Don’t. You have learned this from me and I wish I could take it back… Stand your ground… be proud of you. Do not live to make others happy or to measure up to someone else’s expectations… Be Johnathon. This is enough.
I wish for the kind heart I see you in now to stay firmly in place… Keep it, nurture it, handle it with care. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are too sensitive… You are the first to hold your step sister’s hand when she is scared… the first to run for the ice pack when someone is hurt… the first to panic when people fight because the fighting for no reason is perplexing to you… I couldn’t live without your affection and kindness.
Seek joy… Pure Joy… Every single day, find something that makes you happy and do it. Be it big or small – an act of kindness, listening to a song you love, calling a friend – it quite simply doesn’t matter. What matters is that you spend a portion of each day smiling and laughing.
Your dreams: do them. Your heart: follow it… Your family: treasure them… Your friends: be loyal to them… Your fears: embrace them and allow them to make you stronger… The money you earn: respect it… Your passion: LIVE IT.
I will always call you bug… buddy… neenerfan… angel boy. I am so proud to call you my son.
Today I am going to take you to attempt to get your learners permit and I am going to put you behind the wheel of a car… I feel like there is an energy… a force in you that I cannot slow down… or contain… I miss your small face… but your deep voice is such a sense of pride for me… you are such a fine young man. Happy Birthday my baby…. and many more.
Share your top favorite photo you took in June. Give us the back story
A lot of changes came our way in June… we did some rearranging of our lives… and rearranging of some furniture. Small Child decided he was tired of being small… and moved into the finished basement… and made himself a Man Cave…. When he proposed this I figured the best way out of it was to tell him he had to do it all himself… Within 24 hours the toy room had been moved into my paint room… my paint room had been moved into the bedroom next to mine … finally removing himself from it and down into what was originally the toy room. This is not a small amount of furniture… he moved wardrobes, book shelves, dressers and all their contents…. sigh… and left me…
During this movefest smallest child asked for more time with us… and we took the appropriate actions to make that happen… We have her more sleeps… but some of the waking time is less… I am pretty sure only people who go through visitation and custody battles will get this… the change is hard but we are going into a 5 sleep stretch starting today… and I am so glad…
All of this is the back story to this photo… I found some time to paint… Smallest child has requested paintings for the Toy Room decor… The very best part about painting is not caring how they turn out… I paint for the motion of painting… for the soul soothing color blending music listening aroma therapy infusing experience…. and it doesn’t matter the outcome… I have the coolest fan club in the world
My Malificent Shadow
I first saw him sing at a Grass Roots Shakespeare performance…. we LOVED him… so I searched him out on social media and started following him.
Then Yesterday he released this piece of magic… and supported a cause that was already very near and dear…. forever endearing them to me!
So listen to the song… but even more importantly….
BUY SONG TO DONATE TO NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) HERE: https://redatdusk.bandcamp.com/track/…
I bought it… Please do the same when you can. In fact, leave a comment below and share it with your friends I will randomly select 3 peeps from the comments to purchase it for! So please share!