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I think the only people who know how to leave comments are SERIOUS about me needing to source some shit from China!

Bahahahaha! I got through the last two weeks of school… a trip to the lake… finally have a moment to breathe and log in to do some serious blogging… I mean this is prime shit right here… and I find 700 spam comments from people advertising sources in china… so there you go…. I dedicate this to them…. because they obviously really know me…..

Whew! I am not really sure where to start…. I think I have finished with my fairy doors…. I say I think because even though I am 100% positive at this moment…. things change with the direction of the wind … emotionally… mentally… spiritually… and even physically….. I will however leave the door open (ha! see what I did there) by saying… I am now a fan of street art magic like that… and am sure there are a million and one more shenanigans inside of me…

Highlights of the project:

I moved more… a lot actually… which is sad that my physical exercise was getting in and out of my car 20 times a day and stooping down to fix doors or place doors… some of them required a bit of walking…. so there is that.

I got some of the coolest responses from everyone… and the kids fairy offerings were my favorite

I painted… so much!

I improved someones quality of life besides my own – Now that is a bold statement… thinking fairy doors could improve someones quality of life… I think it is indisputable however that the children finding them had an improved outlook on life… but there was someone else watching me the entire time that I was unaware of until the day I went and gathered the doors for the summer…. Infact… I think she might have been the reason I woke up that day and decided to start this crazy project… I just didnt know it yet… This is the story of her… and at some other point I will tell you my other stories… because so much is happening…and I dont mean fairy doors LOL… I digress…. Her story:

I believe I have mentioned that the first time I went to check on the very first fairy doors I put out that I saw this woman behind the public library… I had a feeling she was living there… but there was no proof of that… she was clean… kind… and quietly reading a book… as someone who had spent sometime living on the streets though… I knew the value of finding a place like that… where you could really sleep and not worry too much about others… and I wondered then why I had never thought to sleep there in my youth… I told my son about her… asked him as we left the restaurant across the street with leftovers if we should go over and see if she was hungry… but he convinced me upon seeing her that there was no way she was homeless… that she was just relaxing there… and that we would be insulting her to offer her our leftovers…. so we didnt….. over the two months that I played fairies… I saw her at least 85% of the time I was on that path… and many times we exchanged pleasantries as I worked up to an entire fairy realm behind the library… I was finding stacks of leaves in front of the doors… and hearts made out of rocks in front of them… and I loved the location… (See Previous Posts for examples of some of the fun book quotes I was using there) … But as I decided to take the summer off of fairying… I realized I needed to clean them up… so they didnt lose their magic… and Mr. Amazing and I went down the path on Memorial Day…. By this time I knew my original instinct about this pretty lady had been right… and on this warm evening… she was there again… tucked back in a corner… I greeted her again… and told her what I was doing…. She shocked me by looking quite broken hearted … telling me how much she had been enjoying them… I told her how fun they had been and why I was doing them… and that I would be back in the fall with something magical again… She looked downright sheepish when I told her about the hearts made from rocks… and I realized right then and there that I had set out to bring magic back… and I was meeting my fairy offering giver… not a child at all…. So I sat down next to her… which scared her honestly… and told her that I wished I had thought of staying back here when I was living on the streets…. and I told her that I didnt have much… but that I would like to help her some how… and gave her a few options… I had a budget I could live with… It would cover either one night in a hotel… so that she could shower and sleep soundly… or a very nice hot meal and a gift card…. or I could take that same amount and go get her some things that would last a little longer…. She was very spooked and very embarrassed… but admitted that as nice as the first two offers sounded she really could use some supplies… So I explained to her that I had a few more things to take care of… but not to leave… and not to worry… that we would be back with something that would help…. So we went to the local rite aid… and we got some socks… and a small first aid kit… some foot cream… some wisps for her perfectly straight (and recently cleaned) teeth… that I cannot get out of my mind… she had not been out long… and she had come from somewhere that she had access too great dental care and health care …. We got some very sensible protein… beef jerky… almonds… tuna pouches…. and we got some candy items… chocolate and gummy butterflies… we got as much as we thought she would be able to put in her backpack… and then we bought a trac fone…. with a card with some minutes… and we took our haul back over to her… we sat on the stairs with her and made sure the trac fone got activated and worked (we looked like complete idiots trying to figure that thing out) they come with a full charge so she would have it through the night and I knew she could go in the library during the day and charge it… I asked her if there was anyone I could call for her… she shook her head… I tried asking a few more things… but she was very tightlipped…. and I told her it was okay… she didnt need to talk to me… but if she ever wanted too…. I would answer… I took one of my doors and I wrote my name and phone number on the back of it… as well as the YWCAs phone number… and gave it to her… she whispered that it was her favorite door as I did… I had selected that one… suspecting it was what she needed to hear the most… and hugged her and left…. I have had to resist going back… I just wanted to take her home with me… I searched the missing persons database… I just know she is someones loved one… I dont know what she is running from… if she is afraid of being hurt… I just know that I do not believe in coincidences… and that my fairy doors were in the right place at the right time…. for both of us.

I have so much more to say… and so much more art to show… but I am just going to leave this here… for now… and remind myself in years to come that this story happened in the middle of my avoiding finishing my book… which is about a homeless girl…. thats all

OH! … Here is the door I left her… excuse me while I go clean up my mascara from blubbering like an idiot through this.

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Feel free to comment… unless you want to tell me about this great source in China you have… then fuck off.

Through this little door….

Once in a while… right in the middle of an ordinary life…. life gives us a fairy tale….

I am not even really sure how this happened… I posted about these little fairy doors a couple of weeks ago… about how I just wanted t make a few peoples days a little brighter…. well… things have certainly gotten brighter…. Lets start with some pictures and then I will tell you more about it…. These are out and about all over Bountiful Utah… and its is funny… because I really thought people would not see them… or ruin them…

Bees Buddha Courage Monkeys outandabout outandabout2 Rains Sparkle

as you can see from the images…. not only did people not take them… I felt this weird obligation once I realized people were looking at them… being careful with them… drawing hearts with rocks in front of them… stacking leaves in front of them (I am assuming these are little girls doing this) to well…. keep up the locations… we have had some insane weather around here lately… rain and wind… but my little doors just keep staying… I have had evidence (Such as chewed gum used as adhesive) that I am getting help with the upkeep of these…. Sooooooo I had some little stuff around my house… from other projects… and I began making additions…. LOL I have painted 26 doors now… I still have 20 of them out there… some have gotten taken… which was the original assumption… so I am not upset about that… but the ones that stay are the ones that make me laugh… I wonder what people think…. there is a sweet little path behind our local library (the bountiful library) that has several…. I think that at this point that is where I am going to have to focus most of my attention… I wonder if at some point the city will complain about these little fairies being about…. but so far they havent… and I suppose at this point also I am probably going to be a little sad when some kid, teen, or adult comes through and finally does break them… or throw them away…. or whatever…. but for now… I am going to continue my little game… I have no idea who is seeing them… if they like them? or what is going on… but about every 72 hours or so… I go a make a round to them all… and make sure I am not littering… that they are in good condition… and I usually add something to the site… Its small… I know… but I do feel like something is happening… even if it is to me.

Bringing Magic Back

In the quest to figure out what I am doing with my life… for my life… why my life… I have been just floating in the wind of change… letting the changes happen… Im at a really rough time of year for me (anniversary of Something Lost) and I find my emotions and moods and temperament as crazy as the weather… and I am going through some bizarre midlife crisis… and anxiety in our house is smothering at this point with all of the recent changes my little squad has gone through… the population of this country is so negative with the elections that even my 9 year old is spouting off serious hate for Donald Trump because it is the cool thing to do at school? (who can blame her or all of them really) and sometimes we in this house feel the bern… and sometimes we just cross our fingers and hope Cruz gets beat… by anyone… (I am totally thrilled with Bernie or Hillary as an option for that) but the discussion amongst the smalls amazes me… everyone hates someone… and everyone is so angry…

I woke up Tuesday morning assuming I would continue down the path of painting my life away… my latest obsession has been quotes on canvas… word arty type shit… when I realized I had two birthday presents to buy… and out of no where I decided I was going to the local garden store, which I can count on one hand how many times ive been there… and my ability to kill every living plant is another topic for a blog all together… but I went anyways…

Once there I found myself in the fairy garden section… Pause here for a little explanation… I dont blog about it… (at least I dont remember blogging about it) but I am HUGE believer in paying it forward as often as I can… I buy meals and coffees for people behind me in drive thrus… I buy random outfits and rent tuxs for my favorite family around the corner (My cookie wifes crew) … I buy sandwiches for the homeless… I buy dogfood for the dogs of the homeless… I always seem to be in a place at a time… and it just happens…. This particular morning in question… I believe it all came about the way it did because I was supposed to do this random act of kindness… because I had never even thought about a fairy garden before …. and I didnt even know if the 2 people who I needed birthday gifts for gave a shit about fairy gardens… Unpause…. I am browsing the darling section at the garden store… and I hear the employees asking if they all had gotten a text… about someone who was VERY ill and they were drilling into her bones to get something out? some infection? and it was all so awful sounding and they were all planning on going in on gift…. and lo and behold… what they wanted to go in on was an indoor fairy garden… but the pot to start it was 50$… so they needed cash from everyone… then they would get a few small things to put in it…. So I grabbed the stuff for my projects that I wanted… and went to the cash register feeling rather strange… realizing that these ladies made way less than I do… and 50$ to them meant a whole lot more than it did to me… and I quietly asked the cashier if I could buy the pot for the girls in the back fairy garden… the cashier was the daughter in law of the sick person… and she was the sweetest thing on the planet that morning for me… I really needed the hug she came around the counter to give me… and I asked her not to tell anyone and I took my purchases and headed to the craft store next…. the craft store… it’s dangerous as hell for me…

Here is how my two gifts ended up (They were fucking awesome and the people who got them LOVED them) it couldn’t have gone better.

This one was for my Ride Or Die Chick :)

This one was for my Ride Or Die Chick 🙂 Its amazing and I wired it with purple lights that light up! and those lil fairies are obviously drinking the wine….

and something a little tamer for Mr. Amazings little sister

and something a little tamer for Mr. Amazings little sister

 

Then when at the craft store getting a few more little things… something else happened… I was falling in love with all the miniature stuff… its so cute… and I had been wondering how I could brighten the mood in our little town… and I had been finding all these amazing quotes to paint and practicing my lettering… and well…. I am now full swing into this little project.

Door1 Door2 Door3 Door4 Door5 Door6 Door7 Door8

I was working on this one last night... with 2 glasses of wine (which only happens like once every couple of months so I was SUPER not painting straight) Soooo I will be fixing this one up a bit

I was working on this one last night… with 2 glasses of wine (which only happens like once every couple of months so I was SUPER not painting straight) Soooo I will be fixing this one up a bit

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And then… After glazing them… and using an adhesive on the back… I placed the first six in various spots around town… I told my smalls when I placed them that I knew they would be taken… destroyed… kicked… whatever… that I didnt care… That if I made even one person smile for each door I was going to keep doing it… I put them in places that they wouldnt hurt anything… Not destroy any property… and then I watched… The one on the tree was at a park… I drove by three times that day to tons of kids staring at it in happy fascination … it was gone by the end of the day… I can only hope some little girl took it and put it in her room 🙂

The black one I put outside an old book store that sells and buys used books…. The purple one with the Buddha quote I placed on a boarded up window of an abandoned building on main street…. The double doors ended up on the walking trail behind the library… one on a low income over crowded child care facility mail box (I figure some kids need some magic more than others) one in a visitor parking lot shared by an old folks home and the hospital… and that was it… Ive checked on them a few times… The others are all still where I placed them… and I cant help but wonder if people are seeing them… smiling… finding hope…

There is a big rainstorm slated for today… I will go again and check them afterwards… to see if they are ruined and need to be thrown away (I mean, Its art im not littering right? but I wont leave trash out there) and I started on my next set of them … as you can see above… I also painted a shit ton (that is a unit of measure) of tiny mushrooms (out of dowels) … I figure if the ones out there stand up to the storm… I will add mushrooms to the area… to keep them from becoming something people just pass everyday and dont notice the small miracles life offers.

Tiny lil mushrooms

Tiny lil mushrooms

Last but not least… I have been on a clothing kick lately… and I have been wearing the most awesome stuff… Here was my fairy door attire…. Notice the shoes… thats all… Spread Kindness Like Confetti PEOPLE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

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OMG… Like I wrote a real blog… maybe thats what this whole journey is about… getting back to writing finally…. whatever… I have a TON of doors to get painting

Heart Attacked!!!

You guys… I dont know what is going on with me… I am not blogging for the first time in like 10 years… Im writing… I really am… Im painting… Im doing a lot of domestic stuff… cooking a lot (Wipe that shocked look off your face and pic up your jaw) … Ive lost 25 lbs in the last two months by just eating better and being peaceful… I worry about this blog… because ofcourse I pay for the domain… I cant imagine my world without smiffbib…. and I dont want it to be forgotten…. but this sabbatical has turned into a bit of a longer one than I expected… and I guess what I am saying it I am just checking in… life and love is fabulous… I have not given up on mankind… or my smalls… and I hope everyone is finding love and light… I hate V-day…. but ofcourse we do something for the smalls…. here is a little look into our hijinks this year

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I’ve never even had a rose ceremony!?!?!

mama kats Welcome to the most shocking rose ceremony in writing prompt history.

Please award roses to the ten people (or items) in your life that you’d like to continue pursuing a relationship with.

In no particular order and without further ado…

single red rose

1 – I could fill half of this list with just those who reside in my home… But I am feeling the need to dig deep and really take a personal inventory of that which I am grateful for in my life… That being said… Those in my home deserve mention… Mr Amazing is the love of my life… He is my best friend… and I love him so hard. Small Child (not so small) continues to amaze me daily with his bright charismatic self…. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to my life… and I can not express the gratitude I have for him… I admire him so much. Smallest Child (Ms SassyPants) is the latest breath of fresh air into my existence… we have really stepped up our StepParent/StepChild game… and I have loved every minute of it… She is so clever… and I am honored to be part of her upbringing…. So that is a Rose for my little Family. (With an honorable mention for Tall Child and her three Tinies!)

FamilyOh My Gosh!

2- Betty Perea – This woman has brought more joy to my life than I can express… She has given more wisdom…invited palpable spirit…  inspired more crazy… and driven more motivation than I can explain… I love her… She teaches humility and gratitude without even saying a word… She is wild and funny… you never know what she is going to say next… She thrives off of keeping people on their toes and she has been the greatest mother like friend I have ever known… She brings a different perspective to the table… and I love her mysticism, skepticism, and superstitions. She gave me my love of coffee and mexican food.   A Rose to my old soul (With an honorable mention to her children, who I love beyond measure)

Betty and Boys

3- Tolman – I have known this chicka forever! She is my Cookie Wife.. My Soul Sister… My Co Parent (for her smalls and mine :))… She goes on all my crazy adventures with me… She wore the Bloggess’s Red Dress with me… We’ve been through marriages and divorces with each other… we have laughed as well as cried the hardest in our lives in front of each other… we are linked by a special energy that is thicker than blood… She is the cheese in my enchilada 🙂 A rose for her… with all the thorns cut off… because just once something beautiful should come to her without the trials. (I would make it rain roses on her beautiful babies who I treat like my own)

Tolman

4 – The Fluffinator! My Stef! My favorite heavy metal loving animal enthusiast teenage rearing sexy beast on the planet… She is my escape… She is my safe place… she is my cohort on adventures that we are way too old to take… She is down to earth… a fantastic mother… she is beautiful… has a passion for purple and a strength like no one else I have ever met. She is so intelligent and she has the biggest heart! She is always up to something fun and most nights seem to end with fireworks and alcohol when we are together.  Raising our two boys together has been amazing… we call each other for advice… to vent… and to discuss anything supernatural. I do not know how I lucked into her entering my life but I am grateful for it every day…. Small Child (not so small) will always think of her as his other mother… She is my back up mom… and I miss her! Roses all around… (honorable mention to her crazy kiddos who I freaking love like crazy)

Stef

5 – Michelle – She is actually my cousin.. I mean that is how we met… but she became my friend in our adult lives… She has more integrity and acceptance in her little finger than I could ever hope to achieve… She is funny… She is talented… She is a great mom.. and has always always been there for me… no matter what I have needed. She is so kind… and when someone starts gossiping or being negative she is the first one to shut it down. She is always willing to try new things and lets me just be me. Our kids have trick or treated together every year for as long as I can remember… Eventually we are going to have to find someone else to steal candy from! –  A Rose

 

Halloween

6 – Danielle – There is a story behind Danielle.. She is a close friend of mine’s daughter… a few years ago… We lost her mother… It was heartbreaking. From this came something wondrous and miraculous into my life however… This stunningly brilliant young woman… she is amazing… my children worship the ground she walks upon… and we would gladly just keep her forever… She has this awesome throaty laugh that reminds my of her beautiful mothers laugh… and I cannot imagine our lives without her in it… She is the s’more master… the butt toucher… the ceiling walker… and the best kind of big sister  figure on the planet for my smalls… She will always always have a home to come too and a family who loves her…. (honorable mention to her brother who I love and have great hopes for)-A Rose.

Danielle

7- Enough with all the estrogen! Lets give some Testosterone some attention – My Christian! This guy has been my friend for 18 years now… I have watched him grow up… and he has watched me mature (see how delicately I handled the age difference?) He is my hot cuban mess… and he is the greatest thing since sliced bread… I love him so much… he is so well spoken.. he passion for history is contagious… his love for family is admirable… I have told him things I could never tell another soul on the planet and knew he would tell me how stupid I was when I needed him to… he would also tell me how loved I was when I needed him to… I love to discuss philosophy and politics with him… and I love that no matter how much time passes… when we hit rock bottom… repeatedly… respectively… we will always have a friend within each other to lean on and shoulder to cry on. I am a better person because of him. – A Rose

Christian

8- This Guy… If you know me… you know why – Zip the Wonder Dog – A Rose to you my buddy… you did it! I remember pleading with you when you were hit by the car to just live long enough to get him through the divorce… then again when he lost his dad … to stick around long enough to get him by… he couldn’t lose so much at once.. but you just keep ticking… Please… just get him through High School… You are the most constant thing in his life and we love you. (Honorable mention to the cat…  Shadow Cat… I remember the day I brought you home to my very scared and sad little family… you were enough of a distraction to get through the first days of some very hard realities… and for that I am grateful… You tolerate us.)

 

ZipZipShadow

9 – Now,.. The Prompt did mention items… and I cannot forget this little beauty I am typing this away on…My cute little purple coated macbook air. I am sorry I neglect you… I am sorry I never update you… I let your battery die… you collect dust. You are the tool of my creativity and I have slept snuggled up to you more often that I care to admit…. A Rose.

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10 – Myself… I am taking the easy way out… I have the most amazing list of people I should have included… I have nieces and nephews who I adore… such an awesome list quirky  life long friends… Family… But the truth is there was a time in my life I didn’t have any of you… and Depression worked rather determinedly to keep it that way… But this awesome woman never gave up… she never forgot that depression was lying to her… she worked her ass off… as a parent.. as an employee… as an artist… as an individual with a different way of seeing and doing things… and I would very much like to apologize to her for the abuse she has endured at my own hand… from my own stupid decisions.. and I would like to thank her for hanging in there… despite it all … and being such a bad ass. I’m funny… Smart… and my cleverness is overflowing. I kinda like me. Thanks to everyone who loved me enough for both of us on the days I cant love myself. – A Rose

Kerry

The life of a blanket

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This little guy… pictured above…. This is his story

Im not really sure of his origin… He entered my life at a time that I couldn’t get enough layers between the world and I.

I walked into the studio at work… and climbed on the purple couch and poured my heart and soul out to the people I work with … I wiped my tears with the blanket… and took naps and such with it during lunch because I could not sleep at night.

Things calmed down for me… My divorce was finalized… Mr Amazing had been introduced into my world… when one snowy march morning I took the off ramp from the interstate towards work at even a slower speed than was recommended and caught a patch of ice and rolled my beautiful car into the the ditch at the very bottom of it…

I was bruised from head to toe… But my knees are what really took the brunt of the accident… and arthritis took up residency in them… That same blanket from that same studio was brought to my desk… to wrap my knees against the cold … to keep the pain at bay as much as possible.

This last July I took a huge leap of faith and left that career of 15 years… I left those boys in the studio who I adored… and set out to really discover who I am.

The blanket came along as I couldn’t bear to leave it behind and as I packed up my belongings… I put it in the trunk of my car…

Where this last Thursday I finally took it from its dark resting place and covered a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk down the alley my car was parked as I came from a Holiday meal… I wrapped it around him and told him I loved him… and I left wondering what adventure this little blanket would go on next.

Happy Birthday Tall Child

When I was younger… a sophomore in highschool…
on the 30th of September…my first niece was born.

Write something that begins and ends with the words “When I was younger.”

Write something that begins and ends with the words “When I was younger.”

Today I call her daughter.

I dont have the patience to look through the history of my own blog and see if I have told her amazing story before… and that is okay… because even if I had told it… it would be different today… because we are different today… we are fucking old.

You came to be my daughter through unconventional methods… as all good daughters do.
You were 12 going on 13 and you will never forget the weekend you came to live with me… because it marked the date of your journey into womanhood… your first period! I am sure there could be a million other milestones that mark it… but Im going with this one… because… Ha!

It was only going to be a temporary stay… just someone to watch over her for a little bit… I remember clearly the day I knew it was going to be a permanent situation… and the brave call with the detective… and the search warrant issued on your previous residence…sure… there were court rooms… the therapy sessions… the tears…the sleeping on the foot of my bed.

but there was also birthday parties… all night talks…the lama festival… “cute toes” at the fair…The hamster escapes… the calling the drama teacher an asshole in front of the entire class!

Highschool was amazing… to look back on… not at the time… The Leprechaun, The Drag Queen, The making out in the hall way with the foreign exchange student…

I remember telling you how special you are… how much light you had inside of you… I see it still.

She has grown into the most stunning of peoples. (Plural… because the grandsons are literally falling out of her… her words not mine!)

You who I thought I was saving… saved me

She became the greatest influence on small childs life… She was his hero… his best friend…

She taught me to be brave… and honest… She embodies the very definition of hard work and determination.

Through everything life has tossed at us… we figured it out together… The gratitude I feel for having her enter my home is overwhelming sometimes… I truly cannot imagine my life without her.

It has not been easy… and I have not always been proud of how I have handled things… but there is not a single day when I am not proud to be mom…

Happy Happy Birthday Tall Child!!

The Fairest of them all...

The Fairest of them all…

I never ever looked this beautiful btw… even when I was Younger.

Free Falling…

Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

 Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

Looking for work when you don’t really want to work is hard…

I have always worked… always… since I was fifteen…I am turning 42 this month…  Im sure there were stretches I have forgotten about where I was between jobs for a month or two… but I cannot remember a single one… and I was with the company I just jumped ship from for almost 15 years… I am entering my 4th week of not going to work… It is time for me to get serious about doing something about that… I have gone on 4 or 5 job interviews now… nothing has felt right..either for them or me… <sigh> I am getting a little discouraged… which is funny because I am not desperate yet… Im worried I will get there… but I planned this well…

Here is the thing though… The filling out of applications is easy… submitting a resume … I have amazing skills… Its the interviews that are killing me. I feel like I am selling myself… which I understand I am… and I come out of those things terrified of two things… one.. that I didn’t sell myself well enough… and two… that I over did it and my days of laying in bed plunking away at my cute purple keys on my macbook air are over… I am torn with whether they should be or not.

So far… I have only not been the right candidate… or the job is not right for me… but I am going to have to decide what I am doing next…

I love being home … I love the alone time… I love the writing… I love the coffee sipping… bird listening… housework upkeep… the freedom… the lack of stress… but at the end of day I get the better of me and it ends with worthlessness… not earning my keep… gelatinous pile of netflix watching flesh

Today is September 1st… and I am feeling weepy… guilty… always always guilty… I think it’s my middle name… Guilty that Mr. Amazing is working his ass off… Guilty that I am home at a time when Small Child doesn’t need me to be… when he could have used me his entire life… until now.. he just gets up and drives himself to school…. guilty that I am not cleaning enough… or at all really … guilty for breathing… The wind is blowing outside… the sound of it against the windows is just enough to keep me from continuing down that flight of stairs inside my mind…

Oh... Look... No Make Up... Bags under eyes... Still fucking sexy.

Oh… Look… No Make Up… Bags under eyes… Still fucking sexy.

So here is the thing … For someone that has zero religion… I tend to believe that everything happens for a reason… and my life has always had a way of working out… very much despite my best efforts… now that doesn’t mean I dont need to do the footwork… and maybe it works out because I make the best out of whatever is given to me… Im not really sure… but I do know that even though I feel the need to constantly justify it… I am doing the right thing for me right now… which is pretty much nothing at all. There is a saying “Leap… and the net will appear” … Im working with out a net here people… I don’t even want one…FUCK the net…  so here I am… after the kamikaze yell… and the barrelling towards the edge of what I have always known… every time I choose to leap.

You Matter…

Picture if you will…

It was a beautiful Saturday evening… sitting in the courtyard of the local shopping plaza on plush out door furniture… and fake green grass being cartwheeled across by a handful of rambunctious children.

The fountain is spraying in a choreographed multihued performance to the music playing from the well placed speakers… out of sight in flower boxes as if the flowers themselves were singing to us…

Happily seated between Mr. Amazing and Small Child… waiting for our XD 3D center row seating to the latest magic Marvel has put before us.

Perfection … halted by the alert of a text on my phone…

The following image was received from my  best friend… She explains that she was cleaning her teenage daughters room while she is off at camp when she climbed into her bed which is in a nook and saw something that could only been seen by someone laying there… that is was not visible from any other angle… and she sent me this image as she lay there as her daughter does daily…

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A lump formed in my throat and dread settled around my heart like a cloak… and I can only imagine this is a sliver of what my friend is going through… I try to imagine how she must be feeling… and try to say the right thing…

I do not need to imagine how the girl is feeling… I do not need to imagine the depth of shame and self loathing that drives someone to write such things… to punish oneself so brutally. No Imagination required… I have an infinite pool of experience to swim in to know exactly what she must feel like… and what it must feel like to wake daily and look at those words. I run my fingers along the scars on my arms… they are 23 years old… I touch the deep gouge of a scar on my thigh… I can still feel it even through my jeans… I remember carving the word “Worthless” on myself… I remember my journal entries filled with too many feelings… filled with hate and pain.

It is wrong how we sometimes treat ourselves… If someone on the street… or in the children’s school spoke to our children that way we would beat their asses… we would intervene… we would get them help and support them and make sure they knew they were not alone…

But what do you do… when the bully… the abuser… the hate is being spewed by the person you love… in the case of our offspring more than we love anything else on the planet… People are left speechless… afraid and confused in these situations… They say horrible things… “They just want attention”… “Its the media… the marketing… the music… their friends”

So we did what anyone in my situation would do… We awoke early this morning… and I went to the craft store… I took small with me… not only to talk about the situation… but because we all love this girl so very much…  Her amazing mother and older brother hauled the bed in pieces to the carport and covered the words that beautiful girl… whose only vice is feeling maybe a little too much… and they painted over them in her favorite colors… Small Child and I went to work with stickers, stencils, acrylic paints and sharpies… 3 hours later…

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She may be angry with us when she discovers it upon climbing into her bed… and finds we paid little attention to her want of privacy… and space…she may be embarrassed… she may be revolted by the cheerful affirmations.. and flowers… and butterflies… but the message is loud and clear… “You Matter”… “You are loved” and if anyone had seen two teenage boys painting her bed pink and moving it around so that us mothers could tell her to “Shine” they would understand how very true those words we adhered onto her bed… with nothing less than gorilla glue…. were.

They were true for this young woman… they were true for the young men taking the time to make sure she heard them… without judgement… they were true for the mothers so concerned as we worked so hard to give her a different perspective…

They are true for everyone…

So if you needed to be reminded… as we all do from time to time… You are Loved… and You Matter!

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Dear Son…

It’s so fucking hard to believe you’re turning 16 today.

Apparently… when I blinked, your little blond mancub self… who used to spend hours catching grasshoppers and swimming and music has grown into a tall…kind.. thoughtful…  smart teenager who loves games and girls…

I know this journey hasn’t been easy.

I know your dad and I (especially I!) have made mistakes… but we have done our best… I promise to continue to do so.

It’s not easy figuring out what should be said and done and those words that should remain unsaid and the actions that should remain undone.

Because sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to stay back and let the lesson teach itself… I am so sorry about your dad not being here.

There have been a couple of close calls–a few times I felt my heart in my throat.

When you chased your sister and her friends around the block… with myself and some neighbor lady trying to catch you… when you got past the dead bolt for the first time… when the lump formed on your neck… and later when they wheeled you away to surgery to remove it….when you broke your leg… when the scuba gear sank you like a lead weight…. when your dad died…

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell you what I want you to know. Many times… we don’t see eye-to-eye. Sometimes…  I don’t do well when I’m put on the spot. Sometimes (most times),  I do better in writing. So here goes.

I know you think you have it figured out. Life, I mean.

And in many ways, you do. You get good grades, you get along with your peers, you love music and your viola,. You feel things deeply… and injustice bothers you.

These are all attributes that make me proud of you.

Please–never fail to listen when somebody older and wiser tries to give you advice… Let the BFG offer to help with math…  You don’t always have to take it (many times you shouldn’t!), but listen to those who care enough to try to help.

In just a few years, you’ll be going off to college– Now you are driving without me… making decisions on your own.

I’m not worried about that. Well shit…  I do worry a little, but I think you’ll be fine.

Your moral standards will hold. I know it may sound clichĂ© but I’m going to say it anyway…  follow your heart. Follow your conscience. It’s kept you kind and compassionate.

One thing I do worry about: I want you to make time for friends. I know you are introverted and it’s easier to stay by yourself … but you have so much to offer others: your sense of humor…  your knowledge of current events… your integrity…  your wit. You’re so funny!

Please, don’t sell yourself short. Shoot for the stars! Set high goals. It’s okay to not always succeed — sometimes falling is part of the process. Don’t let yourself get discouraged. Sometimes, you’ll get told “No.” Even though it stings, it’s not the end of the world. If it’s important to you, keep trying…don’t let one person (or opportunity) hold you back. Never let YOU be the one to hold yourself back.

When you do win…know you deserved it. Nobody can say you didn’t.

I’m your mom, and I love you more than I can say… more than there are words to write…and I can’t wait to see how you’re going to shake up this world of ours.

It’s going to be beautiful.

You are My Sunshine...

You are My Sunshine…