Articles

You Matter…

Picture if you will…

It was a beautiful Saturday evening… sitting in the courtyard of the local shopping plaza on plush out door furniture… and fake green grass being cartwheeled across by a handful of rambunctious children.

The fountain is spraying in a choreographed multihued performance to the music playing from the well placed speakers… out of sight in flower boxes as if the flowers themselves were singing to us…

Happily seated between Mr. Amazing and Small Child… waiting for our XD 3D center row seating to the latest magic Marvel has put before us.

Perfection … halted by the alert of a text on my phone…

The following image was received from my  best friend… She explains that she was cleaning her teenage daughters room while she is off at camp when she climbed into her bed which is in a nook and saw something that could only been seen by someone laying there… that is was not visible from any other angle… and she sent me this image as she lay there as her daughter does daily…

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A lump formed in my throat and dread settled around my heart like a cloak… and I can only imagine this is a sliver of what my friend is going through… I try to imagine how she must be feeling… and try to say the right thing…

I do not need to imagine how the girl is feeling… I do not need to imagine the depth of shame and self loathing that drives someone to write such things… to punish oneself so brutally. No Imagination required… I have an infinite pool of experience to swim in to know exactly what she must feel like… and what it must feel like to wake daily and look at those words. I run my fingers along the scars on my arms… they are 23 years old… I touch the deep gouge of a scar on my thigh… I can still feel it even through my jeans… I remember carving the word “Worthless” on myself… I remember my journal entries filled with too many feelings… filled with hate and pain.

It is wrong how we sometimes treat ourselves… If someone on the street… or in the children’s school spoke to our children that way we would beat their asses… we would intervene… we would get them help and support them and make sure they knew they were not alone…

But what do you do… when the bully… the abuser… the hate is being spewed by the person you love… in the case of our offspring more than we love anything else on the planet… People are left speechless… afraid and confused in these situations… They say horrible things… “They just want attention”… “Its the media… the marketing… the music… their friends”

So we did what anyone in my situation would do… We awoke early this morning… and I went to the craft store… I took small with me… not only to talk about the situation… but because we all love this girl so very much…  Her amazing mother and older brother hauled the bed in pieces to the carport and covered the words that beautiful girl… whose only vice is feeling maybe a little too much… and they painted over them in her favorite colors… Small Child and I went to work with stickers, stencils, acrylic paints and sharpies… 3 hours later…

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She may be angry with us when she discovers it upon climbing into her bed… and finds we paid little attention to her want of privacy… and space…she may be embarrassed… she may be revolted by the cheerful affirmations.. and flowers… and butterflies… but the message is loud and clear… “You Matter”… “You are loved” and if anyone had seen two teenage boys painting her bed pink and moving it around so that us mothers could tell her to “Shine” they would understand how very true those words we adhered onto her bed… with nothing less than gorilla glue…. were.

They were true for this young woman… they were true for the young men taking the time to make sure she heard them… without judgement… they were true for the mothers so concerned as we worked so hard to give her a different perspective…

They are true for everyone…

So if you needed to be reminded… as we all do from time to time… You are Loved… and You Matter!

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Dear Son…

It’s so fucking hard to believe you’re turning 16 today.

Apparently… when I blinked, your little blond mancub self… who used to spend hours catching grasshoppers and swimming and music has grown into a tall…kind.. thoughtful…  smart teenager who loves games and girls…

I know this journey hasn’t been easy.

I know your dad and I (especially I!) have made mistakes… but we have done our best… I promise to continue to do so.

It’s not easy figuring out what should be said and done and those words that should remain unsaid and the actions that should remain undone.

Because sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to stay back and let the lesson teach itself… I am so sorry about your dad not being here.

There have been a couple of close calls–a few times I felt my heart in my throat.

When you chased your sister and her friends around the block… with myself and some neighbor lady trying to catch you… when you got past the dead bolt for the first time… when the lump formed on your neck… and later when they wheeled you away to surgery to remove it….when you broke your leg… when the scuba gear sank you like a lead weight…. when your dad died…

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell you what I want you to know. Many times… we don’t see eye-to-eye. Sometimes…  I don’t do well when I’m put on the spot. Sometimes (most times),  I do better in writing. So here goes.

I know you think you have it figured out. Life, I mean.

And in many ways, you do. You get good grades, you get along with your peers, you love music and your viola,. You feel things deeply… and injustice bothers you.

These are all attributes that make me proud of you.

Please–never fail to listen when somebody older and wiser tries to give you advice… Let the BFG offer to help with math…  You don’t always have to take it (many times you shouldn’t!), but listen to those who care enough to try to help.

In just a few years, you’ll be going off to college– Now you are driving without me… making decisions on your own.

I’m not worried about that. Well shit…  I do worry a little, but I think you’ll be fine.

Your moral standards will hold. I know it may sound cliché but I’m going to say it anyway…  follow your heart. Follow your conscience. It’s kept you kind and compassionate.

One thing I do worry about: I want you to make time for friends. I know you are introverted and it’s easier to stay by yourself … but you have so much to offer others: your sense of humor…  your knowledge of current events… your integrity…  your wit. You’re so funny!

Please, don’t sell yourself short. Shoot for the stars! Set high goals. It’s okay to not always succeed — sometimes falling is part of the process. Don’t let yourself get discouraged. Sometimes, you’ll get told “No.” Even though it stings, it’s not the end of the world. If it’s important to you, keep trying…don’t let one person (or opportunity) hold you back. Never let YOU be the one to hold yourself back.

When you do win…know you deserved it. Nobody can say you didn’t.

I’m your mom, and I love you more than I can say… more than there are words to write…and I can’t wait to see how you’re going to shake up this world of ours.

It’s going to be beautiful.

You are My Sunshine...

You are My Sunshine…

 

 

#Huckabee2016

It has been too long since I have shared one of our chats… Also… yes… we know hashtags do not work in chats…

Kerry: #Huckabee2016
Mr Amazing: #FatChanceInHell2016
Kerry: Bahahaha!
Mr Amazing: #ReligiousMinorityRules
Kerry :He just threw his hat in the ring…. which btw… i think they should literally have to do if we are going to keep saying that
They all should wear a hat… and throw it in a ring
Mr Amazing: LOL the poll numbers are crazy
Kerry: Im gonna need some hats… Im gonna throw that shit in all the rings
Kerry: it is a sad sad day when bush is the lesser of all those evils
Mr Amazing: LOL, yes, yes he is
Kerry: Jesus save us all… and take the wheel
Mr Amazing:  <facepalm>
THROWING MY HAT IN THE RING…. More Specifically… This hat!
hat

Uprising

AelNight3

I despise the words ‘riot’ and “thug” carelessly thrown into the conversation… They do not understand… They scream their condemnations.

The term “The Final Straw” has never been more literal … and that straw is on fire…

We watch it on the TV… We question who we are… We wonder if the flames will spread… to our own cities so very far…

I am not going to pretend I am someone I am not …and with a heavy heart I look around me…trying to see anything that makes me feel right as I type this from my privileged neighborhood… in my middle class home… on my macbook air…  2 kids… 2 pets…  the news on the big screen…

From this view point I watch as images being filmed in the firelight…show people being ridiculed for stealing their most basic needs.

Fire is vibrant in the dark…

I study the faces of those gathered… Peaceful. Stoic. Calm.

They are not vigilantes… simply vigilant to the cause

They didn’t start the fires… but they feel a deep burning within them….

They do not condone… but they do understand… as they hold their ground on the street

They do not see a riot… but an uprising… and this is the language of The Unheard, The Ignored. The Downtrodden.

and oh I know there are a million different point of views… thousands of opinions… and everyone thinks they are right.

and I apologize if I have offended you or any of them…with these very broken thoughts

But I have to hope that one day the image of the street ablaze will be remembered as the start of how we changed… And that the word ‘thug’ will die out with the flames

and my heart goes out to those Mothers that are praying for their children that are not home tonight…. while mine are tucked into bed safe and …. White.

 

This post was so painful to write as I follow the current events …

I have been paralyzed in my writing for weeks as I am unable to even process thoughts and feelings with all that is going on with our world… I am grateful for the prompt from the Light and Shade challenge for letting me shed a little of the weight…. and I cling to the belief that there is still more good than evil… even if we forget to report on it

The Light and Shade Challenge

The Light and Shade Challenge

No Loitering…

Image from WikiCommons, taken by Elia Biraschi and used under the Creative Commons Agreement

Image from WikiCommons, taken by Elia Biraschi and used under the Creative Commons Agreement

I cannot walk through the suburbs in the solitude of the night without thinking that the night pleases us because it suppresses idle details, just as our memory does. ~Jorge Luis Borges

After finding refuge under a tree… though it’s roots make my lawned mattress a lumpy bed… where I slept away the daylight hours… with one eye open… and my wrist twists through the handles of my satchel to avoid it being lifted… to the sound of someones small children playing on the playground littered with broken glass and sharps of all variety… Knowing that people stared… pitied… loathed me… crossed the way to avoid me… patrol cars counting the hours before they can tell me to move… I did move finally.

I pass the homes… still some windows lit even at this late hour… my mouth is dry… I have no water… my stomach is angry that I have no food… my skin crusted with a salty layer of dried perspiration… the summer heat is not too far off… but here in the night it has not found me yet… Soon it will hunt me and haunt me even in the night… though I just barely have recovered from the last attack… a bitter winter war hunt that many of my tribe elders did not survive…

My shoes are so thin that I feel each crevice in the walk way… each piece of gravel beneath the parchment thin sole between my foot and the road.

My legs ache and knees stiffen giving my walk a quirky swing that will soon cause my hips and lower back to beg me to rest…

There is no rest for me… No where to sit… So I continue to shuffle along both longing and fearing the suns return

At every bench… and every bowery… there is the mark against me… the unwelcome sign.

“No Loitering”

and so I walk.

This is a work of fiction.

I see this each night in my city.

Do not cross the street from them.

Do not lend to their belief that they do not matter.

They are not invisible.

Every Life Matters.

 

Brought to you by…

The Light and Shade Challenge

The Light and Shade Challenge

Maybe I am just weak?

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi

But what if you can’t forgive?

I wanted to kick off this blog by extolling the virtues of forgiveness… I know that forgiveness is the seat of liberation…  However, try as I might, I just can’t muster up the energy to write a big soaring blog on something I’m still having trouble with.

The truth is, sometimes forgiveness feels impossible.  Is there someone in your life that no matter how hard you try, how many books you read, how many lectures or workshops you attend, you still can’t forgive? Are you tough on yourself for that? Me too.

Here’s a baby step: Forgive yourself for not forgiving.

Thanks to the Light and Shade 100 Word Challenge… Great Prompt! Even if I am not great at it!

The Light and Shade Challenge

The Light and Shade Challenge

A Year in Review….

mama kats

The prompt was compile a list of best posts and photos from the last year… So instead I compiled a list of posts about my favorite pictures! Check them out!

12 Reasons I Love My Life

January 2014 – From the Front Porch

February 2014 – Sometimes being me is pretty damn cool

March 2014 – I found the Tardis!

April 2014 – Holi Festival of Colors

May 2014 – and once again… Painted Angels

June 2014 – This Day

July 2014 – Wishing for a more relaxing time

August 2014 – I raised these...

September 2014 – Star Lord… Maybe you’ve heard of me

October 2014 – The Toy Room Collection

November 2014 – Short People Got No Reason!

December 2014 – His first date

2015

Well… The New Year brought me something a little unexpected… unexpected because I forgot about it… It brought me a several hundred dollar charge to my bank account… One not budgeted and one I am going to have to tighten the belt on our budget to cover… for something that I seemed to have lost my passion for… for something that had become an after thought… it started to feel like a task… and nobody cared if I did it or not… and I discovered other ways to keep my head from imploding with all the words I pour out here… Yes… Here… Smiffbib.com… My Domain renewed for another 3 years automatically… 3 Years! Can you believe it? I have been writing here for 3 years… I sat and thought for a few moments about what I had accomplished here… and the resounding answer was… NOT A DAMN THING!… and I chuckled to myself because… well… what did I ever hope to accomplish here… this blog is like that seinfeld comedy show… it is about nothing… and I never hoped to accomplish anything more than that… Well… That much was a success…. What has the last 3 years brought me… My new husband (Mr. Amazing) bought me Smiffbib as a gift… we have been through some of the most amazing adventures… trials… illnesses… deaths… all of those thoughts and been poured out into here… hidden in the craziest stories… silly pictures… one self discovery after another… all of the smalls milestones … every fear… every dark corner of depression… every broken thought… Pictures of Disneyland… screams of frustration at the tea party passing bills about my vagina… buried my first grandchild… my exhusband/sons father… and others so close to me…

One day I am going to write something so life changing that people will quote me… they will say Smiffbib and people will know what that means… Or not.

Last year at this time I thought I would be somewhere completely different than I am now… and that was my resolution.

Did you know how far you can come inside yourself without any external changes? Did you know how much you could be okay inside yourself no matter what kind of chaos is carrying on around you?

I have no idea what this new year will bring… none… I have no idea where I will be the next time this domain is up for renewal… I hope I have as much to say about them as I have this last three… Mr. Amazing just called me from the office.. He transferred the money into my bank account… he told me to stop worrying… I could keep Smiffbib… so I suppose I will have somewhere to record them all…

Soooo... I guess it is time to get out of this bed... and begin the new year.

Soooo… I guess it is time to get out of this bed… and begin the new year.

Shout out to my favorite writing group of all time… and Kats prompt for getting me all resolutiony today… I have written 464 posts… here is to another couple hundred more.

mama kats

I.Just.Can’t.Even

Small child was off at the Winter Ball…. His very first date… that we had put so much effort in to making it fairy tale like so it would be something he could always remember… But I will save that for another post… dedicated to that story on its own…

Mr.Amazing and I thought we would take advantage of a night down town on our own… childless… at this time of year that ofcourse means holiday shopping… when my phone rang in the middle of the electronics aisle… Many of you will remember my fundraising efforts earlier this year for a man in stage 5 kidney failure… the call was to inform me that he and his 11 year old son had been struck and killed by a vehicle… and they were trying to let family know as it would be all over the news that evening….

I just can’t even…

It is so awful… The most awful thing is the boy, Levi… I only met Levi once… for a few moments… shared a few Dr. Who quotes with him and sent him off to play with the boys… I cannot imagine what his mother will do… I just cant even wrap my mind around this….

Todd… The Father… I did know… I have known him all of my life… we have been close and then lost contact so many times I cannot keep track… I am not ready I suppose to feel all the feels I would experience in  telling you all the wonderful things I had intended to write about this man right now…  Instead I will just post this instead… which I really intended to write something heartfelt and inspiring to accompany… But I.Just.Can’t

http://www.gofundme.com/iulpcg

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