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Remember…

You know, I was 26 when you were born… And now that you are 24… I would like to tell you that the last 24 years of my life were the best years of my life.

It amazes me how time flies… To be honest… I have never wanted you to grow old. Selfish I know… But, look at you! You’re all grown up. Even to this day, I have not gotten over the fact that you are now an adult… ready to take on the world… I mean I bought you underwear and socks for your birthday still! Forgive my possessiveness, but I guess every mommy feels that way.

When you were born, you weighed a whopping 5lb. You were a very ornery baby… BUT every time you smiled…. you had this magical glint in your eyes that melted my heart. When your daddy first held you in his arms, I remember him telling me, “I made this.”

He was so proud of you! So am I, So is the BFG. You have grown up exactly the way we wanted you to… a strong… independent (yes this means stubborn) Soul. You always surprised us as a kid. You would do things without much nudging and still come up with solutions.

We are sure you will be able to handle the pressures of life with dedication as you always did in every circumstance. You can rest assured that your tribe will always have your back. Be kind and work hard. Remember what is important… Protect that same magical glint in the eye you have passed onto Sam… OH SAMMY!!! Everything will be okay Johnathon… it will… nothing will ever go as planned… but no one is more loved than you… and I know that you love that boy just as much…. He is so lucky… we all are to have you….

With the world today it is so hard to give advice… it is such a different world than I could have ever imagined…. but know this… I believe in you… I love you… and I wish you the very Happiest of Birthdays!!

We are all better people… because of you.

YIP YIP!!

A most random musing: Curses, Bright Spots… and Forward March!

We’ve all heard it before. “I hope you get one just like you.” It was usually said during a battle of wills or after a trip to the principal’s office or “making out with the foreign exchange student” and more than likely… muttered under their breath like a curse. Just wait for what? Super sweet baby snuggles? Adorable sleepy smiles? Nope.

Revenge in the form of a tiny version of yourself.

So instead of rolling my eyes… I respond the latest parenting woe by saying, “you were just like that,” … I remember how they handled it or how I wished they had handled it… Instead of feeling uncomfortable with having a mirror reflect my least favorite qualities back at me… I confront them and try to understand why we all cry when we’re frustrated or shut people out when they hurt us… And when they (the grandbabies) stand their ground and refuse to back down… I silently applaud their tenacity and calmly inform them that they’re going up against the masters of tenacity (These young parents got it from ME!) and they might want to check themselves before they wreck themselves.

Maybe it is not a curse after all

Have you ever noticed a look of resignation on a child’s face? That moment when a grandchild gives in, and does what the parents say. You can tell that submission isn’t easy. Something happens in the shoulders. The head may droop. The step may be slow.

Go to bed now, young lady.

Rise and shine, it’s time for school.

Brush your teeth. Right now.

Two more bites of beans, or no dessert.

Hug your sister. She didn’t mean to trip you.

No more screen time for you,

And so it goes.

Those nagging reminders… Those marching orders… Those words often said in exasperation are teaching you self care… for your adult life…. because on the other end of the spectrum here…. with my children grown… in the house for weeks… those are the same things I tell myself as a form of self love. So listen to your Moms…. enjoy your kids rebellion… and then relish in the joy of grandkids…. this is what life is…. this story is brought to you by a mom who DESPERATELY needs to focus on the joy to get through the rest of this month… then I look forward to the next thing… and I don’t allow myself to go backwards… or stay stuck. We are BURIED in snow… nothing in my lab work looks good…. everything is swollen… and I am the most grateful person on this planet for ALL OF IT. because I am alive. and that means forward march! (see what I did there?)

Time… It kept going… and now it is September… again

I researched the average span of an apocalypse in dystopian novels… if it were zombies-100 days… Well… we are past that… so I guess those guys aren’t REALLY zombies…. the average length is 10-12 years. We are still at the beginning guys…

Globally, as of 7 September 2021, there have been 221,134,742 confirmed cases of COVID-19, including 4,574,089 deaths, reported to WHO. As of 6 September 2021, a total of 5,352,927,296 vaccine doses have been administered.

I don’t know what to say about that… Ive been to the office a few times… but most days am still remote… due to the air quality and the hybrid schedule… I got my booster on the 27th of August

(because I am a tiny bit of cancer surviving autoimmune super hero) – so there is that. We are trying to be as safe as we know how… We have sent the smallest child back to school… high school in person even… she is vaccinated and masked (at least for as long as we see her) … The tinies are also in school again… and now I just find myself holding my breath… and waiting… waiting to see what more we can do….

I hold my newest youngest tiny close as he grows… born in this pandemic and thriving….

and I hold my breath and I wait some more… for anything to give… I am scared… so scared… I worry for those I love… for those I don’t… for all of us. 1 week from today I will reach the 48th anniversary of my entrance to this planet… I never thought I would live this long… to see all of this… I intend to see more. I watched the Afghanistan war begin… and 20 years later end… We will mark the 20th anniversary of 9-11 in four days…. all of those lives snuffed out…. yet we lose almost as many daily now…. I will march for Women on Oct 2nd (march might be symbolic as my legs do not really work well) …. DAMMIT I SURVIVED TRUMP!!! something has got to give…. anything….

and so I paint… and record as we near the 2nd year mark of this very long apocalypse

This Morning… I went to the OUTSIDE!!! (Again)

I headed out for some imaging of the previous posts mentioned thingy (it was hidden under all my Black Lives Matter stuff So YES you have to read that to find it bahahahaha)… I do not for the life of me understand people’s excuses for not wearing a mask… I mean I’m making excuses to wear em… look how adorable I am! Yep- I’m 46… and yep I love my kitty cat mask! 😹

The cute ladies in imaging burst into giggles upon sight of me… and it totally made my day… because you know… we know each other… I feel like I live here.

Meow Rawr – Dream On!! bahahahaha

Friday was an amazing day… I donated my painting to the March happening here on Juneteenth!!

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I let the organizer know that I didn’t want it back… that it would find itself a home after the march… and now I’m not crying… you’re crying… HUGE crocodile tears when you see who took it home and hung it on their wall

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Then Late that evening I started getting messages… and apparently I am famous now… bahahaha I’ll be doing autographs at ten.

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Okay I feel like we are pretty caught up- so lets talk pandemic again…. The numbers Globally are skyrocketing… and the one campaign promise Agent Orange 45 kept was that America would be number one again… thanks for that asshat.

Globally 8,708,008 cases 461,715 deaths (6/21/2020)

United States of America 2,208,829 cases 118,895 deaths (6/21/2020)

Medical Experts are sounding alarms… Governments are focused on reopening …. Trump wants to test less… so we do not raise numbers? yeah… its going well.

In that spirit we moved back to car adventures with the tinies… we went to the drive in Saturday… and oh man… my heart just sings everytime I see these faces.

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I get airhugs- She gets real hugs… Ill take it!
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My Tall child and her Tiny’s in her car
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Us in ours… we don’t always wear masks… since we live together… but smallest child has been practicing some social distancing and having a social life… so we were safe for this close up photo.

The greatest part of the evening was when I taught them how to scare off bees… and had them screaming BOO BEES at the top of their lungs much to their mothers dismay.

I do not know what is next… I do not know the point of this post… I just needed to get it all out… something tells me there is going to be a lot coming at me… and I needed to be ready to deal with it… so vomiting what I am holding in my mind into the keyboard is the answer. Love and Light to you and yours 🙂

Happy Birthday Mr Amazing…

Treehugger extraordinaire

I suppose writing letters to people on this blog has become “my thing” since I am not really blogging currently…. and although I have zero intention of going anywhere…. I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you today… If the sun were to rise tomorrow as it usually does… but this time without me in this world… I would want you to know how much I love, admire, and respect you.

We have some SERIOUSLY fabulous Hair!!!

You’re an amazing man… a man who has stood by my side through everything… and has loved me… supported me… and given my heart strength and sheltered me in a way I didn’t know was possible…. or needed…. you are my safe place. In the time that I’ve known you… not a day has gone by in which I wasn’t overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude and affection… affection I am not always showing…

Ummmm We are drop dead sexy…. just sayin
My Wheelchair Driver… I just can’t even.

You’ve lent me your ear when I’ve needed to vent… and you’ve given me advice when I’ve felt lost. You’ve offered unwavering support when I’ve been scared… You’ve even challenged me when I’ve needed it most… When I’ve been tired… you’ve helped me along. You’ve cried with me when I’ve been hurt… and cried for me when I’ve been sick. You’ve been my legs for a year now… and Benjamin… I cannot thank you enough for that. You have made this life so much better for me.

You are truly more than the love of my life. You are the most precious friend I could have asked for, too. I love you so very much, and I hope to be with you always–through every sunrise and every sunset… Through every “Hulk Angry” moment … Through every giggle… Through the Dog poop…. Through the lack of Cat poop…. Through job changes… hammer fists… laundry mountain…. all of it is us. I love us.

Bahahahaha!

I would like you to know that never in my life had I thought that I would ever find someone who loves me the way you do…  Not that I believed that I was incapable of being loved… well sometimes… but I simply could not fathom finding someone who could ever appreciate and cherish me in a way I could see it…

Maui!!!!!

You do that for me… It has been ten years… and I still feel… every single day… Important to you… Valued… loved.

I love him so

What exactly is a soulmate? Does every single person in the world have one? Do each of us individuals only get one shot at being matched up with one other person in the entire world? I don’t believe in soul mates… I do not believe in destiny… or any of that other sappy crap… but for lack of a better expression… You are my soulmate. You make my soul happy. You are my soul’s companion, and above all… my friend. I truly believe that there is not one other person in the world who gets my humor… which is so odd… my mannerisms… bizarre as they are… and my heart like you do.

Our Aina.

I want you to know how much I appreciate you. I tell you enough… but I do not know how to make you feel it or show it enough. You do so many little things for me that go unnoticed. I want to apologize for the moments when I am blind to see all you do for me… or resent it…. I want to apologize if I have ever overlooked your needs… I want you to know that even when I am incapable of seeing how lucky I am to have you… I still am forever thankful.

The Ojedas!!!!

I want you to know that our friendship means everything to me… and that I simply could not survive in this crazy world without you. You give me the truth when I need to hear it… courage when I need confidence… and love when I am flawed. There is no one else I would rather lay up at night and talk with about crazy things that only the two of us could even think of…. cue the 80s sing offs… and midnight “church services”!!!! There is no one else who I would rather travel with… see the world… and experience new adventures with. There is no one else who simply could ever get me the way you do.

Mine Addy!!

You have given me a safe haven to be myself and not be ashamed of all of the parts that make up my soul. You give me security that makes me feel safe and centered… a shoulder to cry on when needed and a hand to hold when I am lost and scared in the dark. I know that whatever life throws my way… I will be able to handle it because you are at my side. There is nothing that we cannot face together. Without you… I am whole. But with you, I am complete. You help me believe I am strong and capable of anything I set my mind to.

So Much Fun!!

I want to thank you for giving me love when I am undeserving at times… For your forgiveness when I make mistakes and hurt you with my daggering words and actions… For your kind and gentle touch when you comfort me… for your ability to apologize when you are in the wrong and take responsibility for your actions… I mean… your ability to do so is so strong that you do it even when it is not yours… You have taught me so much about tenderness and unconditional love… even when it is hard to give.

Cutest Family on this PLANET!!

I want to thank you for your continued support and faith in me as I journey through my adventures. You have never once doubted me… and lover… I come up with some up some crazy stuff… you’ve never told me I should give up… or told me that I could not do something… in fact… you have tagged along and encouraged the madness. My positivity and confidence in you continues to baffle you each day. But don’t you realize… You are my support system and my fan club… my motivation to push myself and always reach for bigger and higher and more ridiculous goals. You have taught me to believe in myself and to appreciate my own worth… a task that is not always easy.

The Science March

If you ever feel like I am taking you for granted… or question what it is I see in you…. please open up this letter. Let it be a reminder of how I feel about you and your worth to me. Please remember how much I love you. I mean… I really love you. I love you deeply… and I always will.

Why is he sooooooo Handsome???

If I were to suddenly leave this world sooner than later… I would be overjoyed that I experienced such a rare and honest form of love. To have been loved and cherished by someone wholeheartedly is a once- in-a-lifetime experience… and the feeling is mutual. Big Sexy. 

Happy Birthday BFG… and many many many more!!

Im just catching up with yesterday… By tomorrow… I should be ready for today…

I am home sick today… I woke up at 5 am with vomit in my mouth and ran for my pee slime covered toilet… next to my Charlie Bosephus’s litter box. Really an eye opener into the quality of my life .. but really things obviously have not changed that much. I literally laughed out loud typing that… and surely I will publish this.

I do not know how to bridge the gaps in my crazy story of a life… I last left off with I had started therapy… Im going to take one step further back and tell you about the time my “Fever of unknown origin” sent me to the ER… which then led me again to an infectious disease doctor… although I do not believe that is where my latest journey started… I believe wholeheartedly my journey started with CMV… a few years ago… and this is my second infectious disease doctor… It was in the beginning of march I went to his office… and I had been told I was the very first patient he had seen since arriving in the United States. So in he came… and started to question me about what had been going on… and I listed off for him the same ridiculous list of viruses I have been listing in previous posts… but shockingly… my fever had finally gone… as mysteriously as it had arrived 5 MONTHS PRIOR… and he looked at me and said. “So you are not sick now, I do not know what to do for you”… and guys… I lost it… I cried… this made this man extremely uncomfortable… so much so that he had to leave the room… but when he came back he was curious why I kept crying… and I told him that it was so awful… so awful that I was seeing a counselor over it.. that I was so tired… and my legs hurt so much… all the time… and I continued to cry… so he left the room again.

Then he did something. He hand wrote orders for a VERY specific blood test… that could only be given in a blood hospital… it was like a super secret blood hospital… but they wouldn’t do the test… because you see… I do not have aids… and security escorted me out of the special super secret agents of shield blood place. They sent me to another lab down the road who after an hour of calling around did the blood work required… blowing out a vein in my arm and spraying this young technician in blood making her look like a serial killer… it was gross… and then they didn’t refrigerate the blood like they were supposed too… and a week later I had to do it again.

30 days later this doctor… the first one to do something… called me… he said to me “I have found an immunologist that has agreed to take your case… he probably won’t be able to diagnose you… but he may be able to help you” i cried again and thanked him profusely… he told me that he had found a very serious problem in my blood work and I was very sick… his english was not perfect but he insisted that I was sick and if I felt sick, I needed to let myself be sick.

Two weeks later the Immunologist called and said he would be wasting my time bringing me in to see him… that I needed to go to the cancer hospital… as soon as possible… that I had an abundance of abnormal lymphocytes in my blood… and I needed to have a bone marrow biopsy… and be treated.

<cue the circus music> you can imagine what this did to our mental health. School ended and we took our annual trip to the lake… add 2 bouts of Hand Foot and Mouth and one VERY ugly bone marrow biopsy/harvesting and in the first week of june I sat in the Cancer Specialists Hematologists office for the results. I do not have Leukemia. The abnormal cells are not coming from my bone marrow.

<Cue the circus music again> July we celebrated birthdays. and another round of Hand Foot and Mouth.

Here we are in the first week of august, they have drawn blood again and I will see the immunologist finally in a few weeks when he has those results.

Today? Today I think I ate something bad last night for dinner, or have a quick coming and going stomach bug.

Small child got me a sprite and made me an egg before he went to work.

I called (okay texted) in sick.

I have not had a fever since March. Well not one of unknown origin at least… Hand Foot and Mouth brings one

I am still seeing the therapist, about once a month, to make sure I am not tanking mentally and emotionally.

I am slowly building my stamina up on energy… I am usually good for one outting a day… most days that is work… on the weekends… it is something a little more fun… and then I am on the couch or in bed other than that…. this last month I have been doing better… been up for a couple of outtings. Mr Amazing is doing all of the house work… grocery shopping… cooking. I would be completely lost without him.

I have asked my family in my home to be there for me … and they have… I have not reached out much beyond that other than a shoulder to cry on…. or usually scream my frustration into. and I have not been available for people reaching out to me for company or help. That is hard for me to swallow. But I have been honest about it. I am doing what I can. This is it.

Today I washed the puke out of my hair and blogged about it. This is progress. Not perfection.

 

 

Tears… Jeers.. and Cheers! Happy Birthday Johnathon!

On this day… just 19 years ago, I gave birth to a tiny premature baby boy… who was not supposed to arrive until the First of September.  With beautiful blue eyes… dimples right at his tailbone… and head full of blonde. As soon as my eyes laid on him… it was immediate earth shattering love. The kind of love I never thought I would experience, anyway. My pregnancy had been one filled with drama.. hospitals…   and doubt, but it didn’t matter anymore.

It would be me and him, against the world, and I felt so proud to be blessed with such a happy and healthy baby boy.

I’ve blogged many times about the trials and tribulations we both experienced as a we have trudged this road to happy destiny… much to his chagrin I am sure…  But none of those events and episodes dampened the love for my child… or his love for me. With every mistake I made… tear I shed…  and wish I dreamed… he was there next to me saying that it would be okay. I’m sure his young eyes saw more than he should… but I know that because of that… it cemented his moral compass to his heart like a badge of honor.

As a young mom… I often overcompensated when I could. He was probably given more than he should’ve been at times.  When you are a mom… you make mistakes; and when you are a struggling through divorce.. illness… and career mom, well those mistakes are raised tenfold. I did the best that I could. But my son never judged me…  never wavered.

I never knew unconditional love until I experienced it from my boy. I learned to love unconditionally the moment he arrived.

Now he’s all grown up, and we aren’t living apart again yet (Though he did give me a crash course in that earlier this year). We speak on a daily basis but it’s not the same. He’s matured and grown during the few months he was away and I can’t help but to see that little boy becoming a man.

I long for the days when he used to call me Mommy and beg me to read him a bedtime story. Those days are indeed gone I suppose.

Being a mom on an “adult” is new territory for me. Loosening these apron strings hasn’t been easy, but I know for both of us to continue on in our lives, it has to be done.

So each day, I get more and more strength to not over-parent… over-love… over-mom him.

He probably has no idea that I lay awake many nights thinking of him, wondering if he is making the right choices. All I can rely on now is the fact that I parented him the best way I knew how; he’s earned his wings and now I can watch in the stands as he takes off and flies to his destiny.

The cheers are for how proud he has made me. Jeers for the times when I text and he doesn’t immediately reply. Tears as I mourn the little boy he used to be as I get to know the man that he is becoming.

I love you, Son. Happy Birthday.

Mommy.

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Happy Birthday Lacey Pretty Facey!!!

 

My Dearest Lacey Cakes,

It is unbelievable to me that you are 12.  A pre-teenager and a Jr High student.

You are starting Jr High in a few weeks.  Jr High… a whole crazy world in itself and a huge new challenge for you.  You are my only stepdaughter, and my Mini Me.  I understand how it feels to be an introvert, highly sensitive and to be overly cautious because I was and still am that way myself.  I challenge you to find that sweet spot between being a rule follower and a risk taker.  We suffer from anxiety instead of going with the flow.  We fear way too much instead of trying new things.  I know how scared you are of change and that switching to a new school after seven years in the same protective elementary school has kept you up at nights.  I’m not going to lie… it has kept me up too.  As you start this next chapter in your life, I have some advice from one worry wart to another.

Try new things. Join clubs.  Talk to new people.  I know these are things I harp on the most, but they are the most important. I just want you to find things you like to do.  Not necessarily things that you are good at…  just things that you enjoy doing!  I don’t want you not to try something just because you think you won’t be good at it or that you’ll fail at something.  Failing is learning!  If you enjoy doing it but fail… just try again.  We will be here cheering you on no matter what.  If you try something and don’t like it… that’s fine, I’m just proud that you tried it!  You will never know if you don’t put yourself out there and take risks.  I know you get annoyed that I’m always asking you about the kind of person you want to be.  I only do it because I want you to figure out what you’re passionate about.  Sometimes it is something you would never imagine… until you are put in a situation that makes you try it.

Take some risks.  Now this is a tricky one – I’m not talking about behavior you know is wrong or illegal things.  You will be exposed to a wide variety of new things in the next few years and I hope that we have taught you enough to make good choices.  However… I’m wanting you to push yourself out of your comfort zone and face your fears.  There have been times when you have begged me not to make you try something new or go somewhere and believe me…  it has been hard for me not to back down.  My heart aches when you cry but when you come home and say “Kerry, thanks for making me do that… I had fun”, I know that I need to keep pushing you.  I want you to be young and have fun!  You only live once and the memories you make now stay with you forever.  I’m not promising they will all be great memories, but I would love for you to have memories of doing some silly things.  Some of my best memories are from slumber parties, giggling with my friends until we cried, summer camp, school trips, prank calling boys, and even tee-peeing houses.  Did I just admit to that??  Now I’m not advocating these things and there will always be consequences to your actions, but sometimes innocent fun is worth some punishment.

Choose your friends wisely.   Some friends will drift apart and start hanging out with new people with the same interests.  This can be exciting and also painful.  Just remember to treat others how you would want to be treated.  Don’t talk bad about people even if others are doing it.  Be confident in yourself and know that others lash out from a place of hurt in themselves.  These years are very confusing and emotional and it’s easy to get bogged down in the drama.  I know it’s hard to imagine now… but this time in your life is a very very small part.  It’s a few years out of about 80!  The most important thing to come out of Jr High with is your integrity.  Don’t compromise your belief system or friends to avoid a few weeks of an awkward situation.  Find friends that share your moral value system and hold on to them.  Some of them will be your life long friends and support system!

Live like your glass is half full.  I know it’s hard to be optimistic all the time… but please try most of the time!   Life is so much easier if you live with a positive attitude.  Trying new things and not caring if you fail is how you grow.  It teaches us to be stronger and to know that we can get back up and try again.  It’s a hard lesson for parents to let our kids learn since it breaks our heart as much as yours when you fail.  We have all failed at things but we have lived through it and so will you.  If you think positively… those failures open up a whole bunch of other options that you may never knew existed.

As you venture into this new exciting phase… please know how much I love you and how proud I am of the young woman you are.  We will always love and support you in whatever you do. Please do not be afraid of taking leaps of faith because we will always be there to catch you if you fall.  It’s time to let go of your fears and insecurities and believe in yourself that you can do it!

Happy Birthday Angel Girl – I love you

Do you wish you had died last week?

Once again… dear blog… you are where I process all things that I cannot contain in my brain… I’ve posted about my health (If not previously mentioned, add Staph, MRSA, Shingles, Algae, New Zealand Honey, and New pillows to the list of things going on at my house) Well… Then on top of those things… Small Child has moved out…My best friend… My survival strategy for all helpless feelings has moved out…. gotten a tattoo…. All that being said… and 3 months of a “fever of unknown origin” has led me to some measures in my life that I am quite proud to say I am taking…. First off – I am getting help. I LOVE Therapy… I always have… and at least five times in my adult life to process one traumatic event or another I have returned to therapy briefly to keep my self in check…. to check and make sure I am okay… well… this compounding year didn’t really have an event I could point to and blame and process…. in fact… it seems to be my new quality of life… and I found myself speaking words about not wanting to continue life.

Don’t Panic… I just put voice to things that we all think (if you are someone who feels and thinks too much that is) … and I took the appropriate steps… and I spoke to someone… and returned a few weeks later to check in… ready to tell her that I was okay… and I appreciated there being people to go to when I felt helpless…. when she looked me in the face and called “bullshit”

Then she posed a question to me…

Do you wish you had died last week? – I thought through the week, the unbreakable fever Saturday morning and Sunday evening, and then I thought about my time with the tinies… I reflected on it all… good and bad… and found to my relief… no I did not wish I had died last week.

But at the beginning of the week you stated you were done, not that you would ever do anything to hurt yourself, but you were okay with just being done – I reflected again… and realized I had been wrong in retrospect

Has anything truly changed in your feelings and mind set this week?  I thought that through and shook my head… no not really even though I was here to tell her I was okay and done seeing her… nothing had really changed… I had just taken the appropriate steps and safe guards… because that is what I do… I FORCE myself to do this…. I’ve been FORCING myself to do this my entire adult life.

Do you think if I asked you next week if you wished you had died… you would wish you had? So as I sit there… giving up…. being okay being done… having lived a good life…. I realized something… I most certainly would not wish I had died in a week.

So that is what we are going to focus on… and as she proceeded to explain to me that I was behaving and doing all the right things… EVERYTHING I SHOULD… my perspective was the issue… and you know what?

I felt something I had thought I had aged beyond… I felt those little blasts of neurons in my brain firing off as it adjusted to thinking in a way that it hadn’t before… you know what I mean… that feeling you get when you learn something new or try something new? it is far and few in between when you live this adventure of a life I do for as long as I have.

I’m sure if you are reading this and you know me at all… you wonder how someone who takes so much energy and time putting it into making life wonderful and being grateful for the beauty in it could still feel this way… Well its simple… I knew what I HAD to do… and I was doing it… I was FORCING myself to do what I had to do…. because as the saying goes…Fake it til you make it…. your feelings will catch up.

My Feelings Did Not.

I want you to try something new – So here we go, I am trying something new… rather than FORCING myself to do all of these things I do… and stuffed all of those rules in a mental container… and I am going to try doing things because I feel like it… rather than counting the hours I sleep to make sure I am taking care of myself and not letting myself go down the road of self destruction… and self sabotage… I am going to go to bed because I am tired. rather than forcing myself to eat exactly one serving of sweets… because I do not want to punish myself or deny myself or allow myself to eat the entire package … all these rules… Im going to eat what I feel like… as I feel like it… and rather than FORCE myself to only wash my hair as often as saving the environment or extending my color allows (come on… say it with me… we all have these rules) I am going to wash my hair because I want too… I am not going to watch the clock endlessly calculating every minute to make sure everything is taught… learned… taken care of… I am going to enforce bed time because I need her to go to sleep. 

Im going to try not caring… because I have turned caring into the most curious form of self abuse anyone has ever heard of…

That being said… If this doesn’t go well… or it seems like I do not “want” to do the things that I need to do to be a functional adult… we will try something new. She also said the first thing that escaped that mental container… was what really needed to be done… not my imaginary rules of conduct.

So at 5am this morning… I woke in a full panic… about the amount of junk in my house… and the order it is kept.

This is an ongoing battle for me that I shove way down deep because, Im lazy, Im tired, Im sick

Friday… the dumpster is coming.

because I do not care what people think, what is morally correct, whose feelings may or may not need taken care of, or whose responsibility it is.

I am dejunking because I want to.

Cue the Circus Music… Life is about to get interesting.

 

 

Like sand in an hourglass… these are the times of my life.

Soooooo Im gonna write… because I have so much in my head that is just screaming to come out….

I survived the summer… and the arts festival….

The above is a brief photo tour… but let me tell you about it… First off I stayed home this summer (Well not really… ever) but I mean I was unemployed…. So I brought in a Foreign exchange student and did an art show… and had what was probably the most stressful, and greatest summer of my life…. Aina was the College aged student who came to stay with us, and it was kismet… she was like our child from another country…. she is 21 and we instantly fell in love with her. The last photo is all of us crying as we said goodbye.

Small Child enrolled in school… I did the art festival… in 103 degree weather… and marked that shit right off my bucket list. We spent time with family and friends… the two tiniest tinys turned 1 and 2… and well…. look through the photos… memories were made… and times that will forever be irreplaceable are in our hearts.

I was able to stay with my smallest step daughter… who possibly will be us full time going forward.. and it was something that I wouldnt change a thing about. (More on that later)

The kids started school… and this morning I accepted a state job in the office of education. This is a whole different world for me, as Ive always had a fast paced marketing world… but I am turning 44 next month and have nothing to show for it. The state will offer 401K and benefits and some stability. Leaving me to pursue my passion outside of work.

Currently ive stopped with the street art… im sure just for a few days honestly… Im sick again… double antibiotics who’s side effects are worse than the illness… but at the end of the ten days the infection will be gone…. Small child is in college… wtf…. smallest is in the 6th grade and my first tiny has started kindergarten.

September is coming… in 48 hours and for the first time in my adult life i welcome it (If september confuses you… browse september in the blog history)

I will start work… and I just now booked my first ever girls weekend… San Diego here we come!

Our final summer adventure was a trek to get into the path of totality for the eclipse (Cue the photo montage again…because im on antibiotics and cannot think straight to type)

I really dont know why some of those are upside down… but there you have it… it was the perfect ending to the perfect summer…. Perfect means all kinds of things to me…. especially now that it is over.

OH! also!… we stopped being renters in our home… and bought it

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Lastly…. This happened last night… and I need to say something

Mr amazing has been so fucking amazing… I cannot even tell you how blessed I am… this picture shows you how blessed… You see that HUGE family? its ours… And well… I am so grateful for everyone in it… but Mr Amazing most of all… He is my best friend… my biggest fan… and the love of my life. He has brought more happiness into my life than I can even express and continues to do so on a daily basis. I tell him all the time, but I think day to day he forgets that they are not just words… He is the best thing thats ever happened to me… and I love him beyond measure.

Fini!