Articles

Influenza… Diverticulitis… SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) … Or Sad

Influenza… Diverticulitis… SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) … Or Sad – Since the first of December… I just haven’t really been sure.

I remember clearly being about 12 years old… and in the car with my mother… and turning to her and saying the words I had been scared to speak up until that point.

“Something is wrong with me”

She kind of blew it off.. told me there wasn’t anything wrong… She was wrong. I remember thinking it was cancer, or possibly another disease, but the sense of dread and ache in my body was very real to me, and I was sure death was imminent… because I wasn’t responding and flourishing in life like those around me.

I have battled crippling depression most of my life. (Yes, I said crippling, Yes, it is a strong word. Yes it is the truth)

Flash Forward 32 Years

Mr Amazing: Are you okay?

Me: I don’t know

Mr Amazing: Are you sick?

Me: I cant tell if I am really sick…. or just sad.

Mr Amazing: That’s a strange thing to say… even for you. I think you are both.

44 years old… The symptoms are so much the same that I am not sure my body even knows the difference. Aches… over my whole body… the desire to stay in bed all day under my weighted blanket (Which is divine btw. if you have not tried them) an upset stomach… not really sleeping at night after laying so still all day… appetite swings all over the place to I have zero interest in food… to I want to eat comfort food.

So I did what I have done all of my adult life since those dark days… I got up… I got dressed… I forced myself to call a friend… I tried to paint… I tried to watch a movie… I listened to some music.

I had the flu… which I am now waiting for the CT scan to come back with Diverticulitis because it has been 8 weeks of the flu

Mr Amazing is right though… I think it may be a little of both… I have to keep myself in check… Not fall down the rabbit hole so to speak.

I lost someone that I loved… someone that believed in me when I did not. He never once treated me like there was something wrong with me. (Hence Mr. Amazing thinking I was sad)

So whether or not, it is the weather or not. Seasonal Affective Disorder… Or Flu Season.

I am taking care of myself… VERY begrudgingly… but doing it none the less.

I sincerely hope everyone is doing the same… So much love and light out there.

Dear Tall Child… Your birthday is not in July…. Sooooo I suck at your letter writing

But here it is in July

To my angel girl,

As I sat in here writing this morning,,,  I was filled with panic when as I realized because your birthday is not in the same week as your two siblings I often forget to write for you…. when you are usually my inspiration and  I began to think about all the things I fear. I think what I fear the most would be losing my memory and not knowing who Mr. Amazing and my smalls are… or not recognizing my grandchildren. I was filled with dread… imagining a situation where I wouldn’t know who I really was. You guys are who I am

I think what I fear the most would be losing my memory…To me…this would be worse than death. For death is a final ending of life on this earth, and the continuation of the soul’s journey. But being alive and not knowing those who love you and those who you once loved—that was too hard to imagine.

Suddenly I decided you were an adult and I could write your letter anytime. I smiled with relief—The words were just lying there dormant… and needed to come to the surface… SO MANY WORDS!

And even though I wonder: what if this really was the beginning of a mental deterioration that… once started… could only progress? I realized that since we never know what is in store… we must take the time now to say the things we don’t want left unsaid. And so, my dear daughter!

Know that more than anything else… I wanted to be a mother. The longer I had to wait… and the weirder way children came into my life…the more I knew how important it was to me. When you came to my home I was never happier to be home… playing..  cooking (HA! I cooked!)… reading (DUMBLEDORE DIED)… singing or dancing with you. I always hoped you knew that in my life you all came first. Ahead of work… Mario… Everything…. I was proud of the fact that…  while we did not always have as much material wealth back then… we were able to get by…  and hopefully you were all content with the fact that there was never a day that I wouldn’t have given everything I owned up… Just to have you come to me.

Know that I am proud of you… Everyday. Of your accomplishments and achievements, but more importantly… of who you have become in life. Not what you do… but who you are. Your caring for others … your sensitivities to those around you… your love and compassion.

Know that I realize I made mistakes… Sometimes I pushed too hard…sometimes I did not push nearly enough. I may have seemed distant at times…  usually because I was preoccupied with concern for another of your siblings. Sometimes it may have seemed that one or another of you got all the attention… and you were left on your own. Though I do not really think any of you were loved with any less intensity…I imagine you may have felt neglected or unimportant when my attentions seemed focused elsewhere.

I have been blessed to see you grow and find your way in life. We have watched you stumble… and tried hard to let you trip and fall but still be there to help Band-Aid your cuts… The hardest thing for a parent to do is to let go… Your midnight call from Idaho helped with that (Bahahahaha – Im in Idaho… because what are you gonna do? ground me?)

When I light candles and meditate I plead with the Universe to watch over each of you…  your babies daddy… and your children… I know that in the chain of our untraditional relations I am but a small link. But that link connects me with you and it connects you and your children as it continues through time.

But if you did not know it before… then I trust you will know now that you are the greatest gift given to me in this world.

I’m sorry that I gave you a heart stronger than a bear….  because it will take you years to learn that not everyone loves like you do. I am constantly in admiration of your desire to help others and I know that you’ve felt the sting of being used… hold onto to your generosity against those who only know how to take.

I’m sorry that you see only the good in everyone.

Sorry … not sorry.

I wish that I could instill all of my lessons into you… but I know that you needed to learn on your own. I can spend days with you in the moonlight telling you life’s truths, but in the end my experiences won’t necessarily become yours.

I’m sorry that you feel everything as deeply as you do.

There are caverns inside of your soul that ache to feel everything that this life has to offer. I can see the way that you feel compassion for strangers… and how you sometimes just stop to look at me as if I hung the stars in the sky… yep… I’ve seen it! don’t deny it!

I can see the way that you are brimming with the ability to feel the world around you and with it… all of the heartache and magic it can offer.

You might have moments where you wish that this wasn’t so,,, and while I’m sorry that I have given this quality to you… it’s a gift.

And so.. while I am sorry (not sorry) that you are so much like me… I also couldn’t be more proud of you.

I see the way that you forgive everyone around you without a second thought… and how you already have learned to stick up for yourself and your needs.

I see the way that you’re already so much smarter than I was…so much better equipped to handle the ways of the world… and in those instances… I know that there is no doubt you will one day learn how to use your wings. Because you’re my angel.

 

You are so much more… my warrior princess… my fairy… and most of all…my heart.

As you grew older…  the world began to tell you that magic doesn’t exist… and while I know that you may have your faith in “fairies” tested… I hope that you continue to wish on falling stars and believe in all that is unseen in this world.

“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” ~ Roald Dahl

I’m sorry that you are so much like me… but only because I know how hard this world will try to change you and at times break you. But more than anything else… I love you more than there are stars in the sky.

So, while every day you may strive to show how different you are from me… there is no doubt—nor has there ever been—that you are my angel girl… my daughter.

And I couldn’t be more proud of that fact.

You know your sweet babies are the light of my life… My failure to mention them was only because I wanted this to be for you… I fucking love you.

Mom

Just a note from this ARTIST!

Sooooo 9 days ago I blogged for the first time in a long time… if you want to call it that…. I do, Obviously.

I talked about my latest street art project… and then I went into work later that week…. and was laid off.

I literally was explained to that I had succeeded myself right out of a job.

My Small graduates in 1 week.

Cue the midlife crisis already in full swing… into a fucking hurricane force frenzy.

So I did what anyone would do…. I got angry…. and then I got sad…. and then I drank wine…. and drunk tweeted.

Then I went thru the self loathing phase…. (Its been only 4 days …. all these things happened)

Then I applied for a DBA Licence…. and got it…. Fairy City is no longer just a hashtag.

Oh? But I didnt stop there…. Without even batting an eye…. I applied to be in the artists alley at our little towns art festival.

Application was accepted….

You know I always thought I’d write stories rather than live them….. And I always thought Smiffbib would be my go to name…. But Smiffbib will be my writing muse… and Fairy City my painting muse…. and I think I probably ought to stop typing and start painting… because I have approximately 2 months to get an entire collection together and ready to sale….

Adventure On Folks…. Light and Love to anyone who stumbles across this madness.

Seek Magic Everyday.

And then… Somewhere in the Midst of the Crazy… I remembered I had a Blog

Sooooo I think I only remember to write when I think I am dying…. So naturally this blog post comes after yet another nasty bout of infections …. Kidney and Sinus…. See my previous posts about CMV and learning I have no antibodies…. but I realized that I have shared my latest (Over the last year) fascination with street art…. and Ive posted so much about my #FairyCity and Fairy doors… well… this year I managed a #ThoughtBubble series… and its been all kinds of fun… Here are some of the pieces.

It has been so fun to place these and watch the few people ive caught looking at them… I ofcourse enjoy painting them more than anything else… But the real story of the year continues to be the magic happening behind the library here in town…. it has slowly become a community art project… people are adding to my little fairy city… home made fairies… rearranging the magic back there… upkeeping it for me… and well…. Its kind of magic.

 

I have so much more to say but its been so long since ive pulled out my old friend to write on that it has a million updates to install and is about to restart itself upon finishing its OS update… So I will leave this here for now…. But I am here! and I feel my time to write is resurfacing…. Love Love Love!

Like Disappearing Reappearing Ink… Kinda

Soooo I havent blogged again… by now if you read my blog you know that if I am not blogging I am painting…. and its Fairy Season…. Hence the Disappearing act…. but you guys… so much magic is happening… SOOOO MUCH! I would encourage you to follow me on instagram which is where I am posting this madness of a street art project… because seriously… Im @SMIFFBIB ofcourse…. at least check out the hashtag Fairy City

 

Live like the Italian

My son is leaving for Italy this June… right after graduation…. Lately being an American woman … an american anything…has been both a source of pride… and … well lets just say we will get this all sorted out.

But the Infamous

Light and Shade Challenge

… who I used to mostly respond with fiction short stories to their prompts… but I find reality needing so much more attention these days… have prompted my gypsy soul…. that travels the world… which apparently I have given my Small … a taste of Italy.

Image from WikiCommons, taken by Andrea Pavenello and used under the Creative Commons Agreement

 

      Yes.. I realize this is a bit of a stretch with this image… but it is what it sparked in my mind… and this is my blog… so we are going with it

Eat a Light dinner….Buy natural… fresh foods–preferably organic. Italians frequent local farmers’ markets every week and buy breads at bakeries,… fish and fish mongers and meat at butchers. Or… better yet… learn to grow your own food… Sure… they have supermarkets…  but on regular occasion… food is purchased fresh for use the same day…. Dinner is about celebrating a day of hard work…. and family…. Italians respect their elders much more than Americans. They also dote on their children and consider them as the most precious things in their lives… Slow Down and Stop Rushing… Most of the time we do not take a lunch break… or eat on the run during the day… Dinner can be an all night event… talk… drink… be merry…. and enjoy your time… Americans drink far more wine and hard liquor than Italians do… even though most Italians will have wine and occasional cocktails…. The difference is they drink wine with meals for the taste–not to forget the stresses of the day…  Italians will also have a small aperitif before a meal… Drink for the taste and with meals to drink like an Italian… Embrace people… The Italian hug and kiss. Old men walk arm in arm–women do too… Even men embrace and kiss each other on the cheek… We are way too distant from each other… Hugging a friend to show how glad you are to see them is a great thing… Don’t let a day go by without touching another human being… and animal… pets count! Take a walk with your family or friends. Each night in every town in Italy, Italians get out after dinner to walk in the piazza or the main viale (boulevard). They call it the passeggiata It’s a time to relax and digest… Meet and visit neighbors… relatives and friends… It’s also a time to shut off the TV and just be still for a moment. Finally…. Learn to live with less…Smaller houses and apartments and smaller cars… That is the Italian way… oh and PIZZA!

Hope Sucks. Just Sayin

Never deprive someone of hope — it may be all they have
Unknown  

First and foremost…  if you’re feeling hopeless…  I want you to close this page…

I know that things will get better for you… I also know that a big part of that will depend on you choosing for things to be different.

But when lost in the rabbit hole of hopelessness….  it can be really hard to make that choice for yourself…. So save this read for when you have found your hope again.

I don’t know what it was … a divorce..  a death … a hormonal shift in the balance of the force…..

But I encourage you to cry the good cry … Listen to some music… Go for a walk… Meditate…. be kind to yourself …  if you’ve had hope before… you can feel hopeful again.

And when you do… I want you to ditch it as soon as possible.

Yes… I’m calling bullshit on some kinds of hope at this point in our lives

I once heard a quote that was something like this…. “Hope is the most poetic form of self-abuse.”

Decide now that you’re going to stop hoping…. hoping your soulmate will show up…  hoping the bills get paid…  hoping you lose weight… hoping that Carrie Fischer doesn’t die before she finishes filming the Star Wars movies (okay… I totally hoped for that one)

Start knowing that you are going to work to get what you want… or its equivalent… or something even better.

When it is beyond your control? (Star Wars) do what you can that is in your control…. Hug your mom extra tight today… or your daughter… Take care of yourself…. stand up and talk about mental health issues…. etc.

Hoping for things to change is a pretty sounding way of staying right where you are.

I know we have the power to change things… Bigger than us… But it has to be done when we have hope… So everyone can give hope to the hopeless..,. because we do not need it… we are going to rise.

Another Epiphany on life brought to you by my favorite writing prompts!

The Light and Shade Challenge

Bridges are the roads to dreams…

Image from WikiCommons, taken by Richard Webb and used under the Creative Commons Agreement

 

 

As in a dream… a bridge in waking life can be a point of connection

One must ask –

What the bridge is connecting and what it is crossing… What is on the other side?

What is under the bridge? A river of emotions… Railroad tracks may to a better place…. A chasm is something that is missing or undefinable… or something that you have overcome or given up?

A Bridge represents making a connection… if you are afraid to cross the bridge if you are unsure of the future or whatever lies on the other side…. If you are crossing the bridge without fear than you are ready to face whatever the future holds in store If you are standing on the bridge…. may it be offering you the support you need to deal with life and love (and whatever lies below).  If you have crossed the bridge or are looking back over the bridge …  may you have patience for the rest of us still catching up.

 

Let’s not be afraid falling off a bridge …  fear of failure …or unsure you can make it to the other side …You may be afraid of making a connection with someone… you may be afraid of the obstacles in front of you…  or you may be afraid of the changes that you are going through…. But life is not going to wait for you … cross the bridge… your feelings will catch up later.

 

Even a broken bridge or a bridge that is uncrossable….  needs to be fixed before you can move on.

Bridging The Gap.

Don’t Cross That Bridge Until You Come To It. 

That’s Water Under The Bridge. 

Like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

This is 2017.

This Bridge Rant was inspired by some of my favorite people from across the pond… and as always gave me much reflection and perspective into my writer’s mind. I missed them so much! Thank you for the prompt!!

The Light and Shade Challenge

 

New Years Resolutions create Wormhole or Dark Matter or a Tear in the Space Time Continuum

Mr Amazing and Small Child would be repulsed by my lack of scientific knowledge or basis for my claim made in the title of this blog… but they will never be in danger of falling in stated Worm Hole because that would require reading my blog… and honestly they have to listen to me talk… so they’ve done more than enough.

1. Share your 2017 New Year Resolution. How did last year’s turn out?

You know what? I’m an overachiever … I mean I am really the type of woman that likes to go above and beyond the call of duty…. Not to float my own boat or anything but I am going to take two of the writers prompts this week… because I am just sitting here waiting to be discovered and recognized for my many unusual talents… word twisting being one of them… So here is your bonus prompt.

6. What were you blogging about a year ago? What has changed since then?

It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that possibly last year at this time I was writing about Resolutions…. and here is the beginning of the Wormhole Time Continuum Tear in the Dark Matter of my life… Clicking HERE will open another window where you can read what I was writing about resolutions last year at this time… where in said writings you will be invited yet again to click somewhere to preview the previous years writings…. and so forth.

Maybe the root of my Dark Matter is the fact that I am old… and have had the luxury of vomiting my thoughts into this keyboard for many moons…. or we could go with the Worm Hole theory… because it sounds nicer.

My 2016 Resolution was to pursue that which sets my soul on fire.

And did I ever. I painted for an entire year. I finally gave up the nicotine gum. I lost 60lbs. I exercised more than other years… okay I played pokemon go…. I travelled to a new state and spent time with some life longers while celebrating our 5th anniversary as Mr and Mrs Amazing and the Smalls (It’s a circus act really)… I worked hard… I took time for myself. I had yet another (and final from angel girl) grandchild… and guess what! Its a girl! a breathing… smiling… beautiful doppelganger of my Angel Girl. (for those that don’t remember her first girl)

So if I were to suggest my plans for the next year were to do more of the same… I’d just be cursing myself to do the exact opposite… because seriously… that is what I tend to do…. I do not know if it is self sabotage or self preservation… but I do know this… I am going to do whatever it is that causes my soul to dance inside my body… I am going to be kind… I am going to believe that there is good in everything… Even our current political situation… because I saw people as I volunteered at a local shelter this holiday season … I saw them give more than ever before… because they were afraid that it was needed more than ever before… and even if that is all the positive that comes out of our current President Elect…. it is still positive.

So in keeping with Tradition of very vague resolutions to ensure successful achievement I choose to do this!

So much love and light to you and yours in this year 2017!

This is one year ago… almost to the day

This is earlier this month… The level of Soul Fire is obvious.

Aleppo is saying goodbye

These people … men … women… children… are dying as I type this… They are saying good bye… They deserve to be heard. So put on your big girl panties and listen to them… They are not invisible…

Silence is a crime

This is Genocide

The Most Ugly Feeling in the world is Helplessness.

UN?.. UNITED NOTHING!

It is too late,

Sharing that feeling of Helplessness?

Me Too…

My heart hurts and tears flow…

The only thing I can find that seems fitting from where I am in this world is to talk about it… not be silent… and I donate to White Helmets.(info below)