An Epiphany has happened! I am about to tell you about it without the use of an adverb. Thanks to the Light & Shade Challenge! So if this is a hard read… Well… be grateful you did not have to write it.
As I spoke with Small Child last night (Small Child is a nick name, he turns 16 next month) he expressed his dislike of my Nicotine addiction. No, No, I am not a smoker… I used to be… I also used to carry 100 pounds more body fat than I do now… I used to smoke a pack a day…
I need to lose another 100 pounds (I say that with such a casual tone) I need to get off the Nicotine Gum.
Yes… the gum… I have chewed it for years… I feel a little embarrassed by it.
I am half way there. I have done half of what needs to be done.
We set a date… August 10th… to be weened off the stuff…
I hate that anything has a hold on me… I hate being dependent on anything… and as Small Child put it… What if…
What if the Zombie Apocalypse came… He said he would use me as a Nicotine withdrawn weapon… as it would not be available to me.
But I think at this moment, I could face any challenge ahead… Other than writing one more horribly boring … incredibly un-descriptive line of dribble about my mundane physical addictions… I would gladly write a million things other than that… but I needed to get it put in writing… and what better way to do it and aggressively make the point!
I thought I was a courageous out spoken confident person…
I was wrong… The truth is… I have been placated… pacified… terrified… trapped… and I have not been true to my self… and I have chickened out more times than I am comfortable admitting.
I have been toying with an idea for about 5 years now… Career wise… and just as I was about to take some risk and turn my idea into a reality… Something would happen
A kid got sick
Someone passed away
The dog had a lump
I got sick
I want a new couch
you name it… I did it… all of it… rather than be real…
All the signs are pointing for me to move in this direction… Better things are in store for me… I know this… and I am still scared… Scared of “What If” and if I am honest with myself, not moving in that direction has just as many scary “What ifs”…
So I have made a plan… one that is well thought out… and well planned… and I am moving in that direction.
I have some back up plans for some of those “What Ifs” and if all of the “What Ifs” happen? well you will see me flying by the seat of my pants through life taking one If at a time…
I am sitting here behind this screen right now squealing like a little girl over the latest Star Wars teaser trailer… SQUEE!
There was a time that being a Star Wars fan was cool… I am over 40 …I am a woman… BUT! GUYS! the first movie I ever saw in a theater was The Empire Strikes Back… The imperial march starts playing… and my heart starts pounding…. I pretend I am a Star Fighter when driving through that kinda snow that comes straight at your windshield …I have found a way to work “Luke… I am your father” into 75% of the conversations I have had in my life…
I FUCKING LOVE STAR WARS
There… I said it… I feel like there should be a support group for this.
And quite possibly that is all it took to get out of my writers slump…
Damn… first off… let me say… I’m looking mighty fine today…. no really… it’s just a good hair day and that is why I chose this prompt! “Find a photo of yourself taken 10 years ago and display it on your blog along with a current photo. How have you changed since the day that photo was taken?
I remember that day 10 years ago pictured below… on the beach… helping small child fly a kite for the first time… he was so small… and I just wanted to do whatever I could to help him feel like he could do anything, accomplish anything, be anything he wanted… here I am 10 years later… he is a pimply 15.5 year old… I am spending my day sitting outside of the Neurological Learning and Behavior Center while he goes through 5 hours of IQ and Learning testing… because not that much has changed in 10 year… I am still determined to do whatever it takes to let him know there is not a single thing he can not do… You see… my small (or not so small) is not an A student… never has been…. he is a C and D student… and he has had to work as hard for those C’s as so many kids do for an A… High School is burying him alive… and he is just a drop in the ocean of kids there… no one is helping… so we are going to get that help here… He is SO SMART and BRIGHT… he just learns differently than the school district is teaching him… and I will get this kiddo to college… if he wants it… even if it kills me… So in regards to that nothing has changed in the last ten years… other than my hair got FABULOUS! In 3 weeks this center will provide me a road map to help with his educational future and we will know the right steps to take to reach his goals and dreams… whatever they may be… currently it is to be an element bender… or spiderman…. Im not sure they have a class for that shit. Looking down at that picture besides the obvious observation I also have great skin now… I see a good Mom… a mom sitting out here in the waiting area blogging her anxiety away… taking selfies like a teenager just for you!