Apr 02 2012

“Every Town Has an Elm Street” Freddie Kruger

Author: Kerry

Okay… I’m sure even my town has an Elm Street…  But I used the quote in reference to another thing every town has….  in my town it’s called “Dead Man’s Curve” … As I am trying to reconcile some events in my life… it is quite a story if you can manage to look at the perspective of place rather than time….

…I am sure I am not alone in this being the spot I got my first kiss… or had my first sip of beer… and peed behind a truck… (Yeah, it happened more than once)… Not only did Relationships start with a kiss there (Not even my first kiss! Which as mentioned was also there) … but it ended there with my tearing apart my wedding veil into little pieces and tying them to rocks and throwing them over the edge while screaming obscenities…. I’ve vomited there… twice actually… Once when throwing the veil… again when finding a her body in  parked car there.

… I’ve attended a “life light” landing there two times… The first being when I was 18…  and everyone up on the mountain was detained up there while the helicopter landed… and then recruited to help pull the body out of the ravine from the car that had just rolled over the edge (it is named and known for a reason) … I remember standing with about 15 other people at the top of the ravine… pulling the rope that was attached to the board the rescuers had secured him on, He was alive when we brought him up, but died at the hospital later that night. .. The second time the helicopter came, it was to load said clinging to life body onto it… I had stayed up all night being kept posted on if they had found her yet or not…  I called into work and told them that I had to go help her family, get the kids to school, and then I needed to go find her… I dropped the kids off at school, and started the drive up the mountain, because really, how could they have missed her… where else would she go… everyone goes to Dead Man’s… I pulled around the bend and saw her car parked there… I had my cell phone pressed to my ear talking to a friend about it when I begged her not to hang up as I looked inside the car and saw her there, I started screaming “Call 911” into the phone… She did… it wasn’t long after I got the window broken and  pulled her out of the car that I heard the sirens coming… I had thought she was dead at first… I had placed a couple good kicks in her before I realized that even though I couldn’t feel a pulse, there was fresh drool… The paramedic told me I had probably saved her life with those kicks… I asked him what would happen if she died… His response? “I won’t tell anyone you kicked her if she doesn’t make it”… She made it …I still have nightmares about the helicopter… every time I hear one I cringe…

… When I was about 16 I hiked up to what is the bottom of that ravine to the car graveyard… my best friend at the time used to do it a lot, just to get away… and I remember being amazed at how many cars were down there… There are at least a few more now… I have attended promises and good intentions made there… I have attended more than one goodbye ceremony there

… I have sat in a couple different cars over the years and looked down over that ravine… taken the corner too sharp… behaved recklessly… And I have crept along that shoulder carefully… with precious cargo (The smalls) and shed a tear of gratitude that I never have been in any of the hundreds of accidents that have occurred there…

What is your Dead Man’s Curve? Elm Street?

Apr 01 2012

Every Soul… A star

Author: Kerry

My Angels angel…

I remember when Tall Child first called me… “We want to bring you dinner”

We? The new boyfriend that I met a few weeks prior? He seems nice enough… and encouraging her to spend time with me gets a bonus point… “I would love that”

I know there is more to this… I knew immediately… But I didn’t let my conscious mind wrap itself around that yet… and looked forward to the visit instead….

Tuesday night… 5:45 pm… phone rings.. Tearful daughter… “Mom, we aren’t going to make it down… I didn’t want to do this over the phone… I’m pregnant”… Breathe… all I say is… “I love you”… breathe… “Thanks mom”….” We will talk about it when you can come … How can I get you to come see me…” we make arrangements for a few nights later… I figure out something else to feed my son for dinner… and I crawl onto my bed and cry… and cry… and cry… pause.. put son to bed… cry some more… wake up to a wet pillow, I’ve been crying in my sleep…

A couple of days later, Tearful Enraged Mother and Tearful Enraged Daughter have it out… Just the two of us… and it’s not pretty… but we come to an understanding… it is her life… and I love her… that is all that matters…

But, I will not be called grandma!

Flash forward a few weeks… I force myself to buy baby diapers at the store… I am getting used to the idea… I hold friends babies, and coo and ahhhh at them and smile… maybe I can do this… I try to communicate with daughter… I try to be supportive… Christmas has arrived; there are presents under the tree labeled “Baby”… The previous mentioned diapers… a teddy bear frying pan… Only teddy bear pancakes are good enough for this baby on the way… Christmas is a family event, I have everyone I love under one roof, that can be under the roof… and I am sure that everything is going to be okay….

Flash forward a few weeks… My cell phone rings… I am expecting the call, she calls after all of her doctor’s appointments to tell me how the baby is doing…. I smile at her picture that pops up on my phone when she calls “Hi angel girl”…. “Mom”….”Honey… what’s wrong?”…. “There is something wrong with the baby… there are these lumps on her neck… They said they are cysts… they are running tests… we are not panicking yet….”… desperately trying to find something to write on… “Heather, tell me what they are called… spell it for me?”…. “Cystic Hygroma… They said not to google it… that it would only be upsetting”… “Of course honey” I am already typing it in on the computer… I tell her I love her and to let me know what she learns…. And that I can be there in a heartbeat if she needs me… as I look at the monitor on images of babies with cystic Hygroma… Tears fill my eyes and dread fills my stomach… and I read, and I read, and I study… and I know the outcome and the odds… and I am prepared… this baby is going to be just fine… as long as it doesn’t develop into Hydrops… the cysts will dissolve… and we will get through this….

Flash Forward a few weeks… “Mom… they are running more tests… the baby is missing a chromosome…” I am already typing on the computer… oh my god… please don’t take this baby from my baby… Missing chromosome.. Google’s response? Down syndrome…. A Down syndrome baby… my heart does a little leap… we could raise a little down syndrome baby, I have worked with children my whole life and have a lot of experience with down syndrome… they are the most beautiful children in the world… We can do this… I continue to walk the baby aisle every time I grocery shop, just waiting to find out of it is a boy or a girl…

Flash Forward one week…Cystic Hygroma, It has now developed into hydrops… The baby is not going to make it… There is not chance… They give her two weeks… and Tall Child gives her a name. My heart feels like it is breaking, breaking for my angel girl… and her angel as well… we wait and we wait, each Friday they check to see if the baby has passed on… but she doesn’t, she can be seen on the ultrasound, moving around, waving at her Mommy and Daddy on the screen… Licking her fingers… playing with her toes… Soon Tall Child can feel her moving, they both feel her kick… by placing their hands on her stomach, she is showing for sure now… Tall Child cooks teddy bear pancakes and eats them, She sends me a text that says “I made teddy bear pancakes for Corynn today, I think she liked them”….

Every Friday my throat tightens, and I work until I hear from her and then fly across the valley as fast as my little car will go to her… to check on her… to see the ultrasound images…. Pause Here for a moment… Tall child could have ended this from the moment she learned the baby wasn’t going to make it… Tall child could have chosen to terminate and have a D&C, But she chose a different option, She wanted to wait and let it happen naturally, and then she chose to have the baby, and keep her as whole and baby like as possible, This was no small task, because Corynn didn’t pass away in two weeks like was predicted…

Tall Child let her belly grow, and went through some of the hardest things of pregnancy … and then prepared to give birth to this little angel. Flash forward to this last Wednesday… The text comes in… “Just had an apt. Corynns heart rate is very low. We have another apt. On Friday and the doctor suspects she will have died by then.” “I love you angel girl what can I do to support you?” “I have no idea The doctor kept telling us to have a clear idea of what we wanted to do at the hospital … and burial… and I don’t know what I’m going to do” “I think you should have a plan… What do you believe in when it comes to that?” “We are talking about it right now… There is one thing I need” “ What? Anything” “A Blanket. At the hospital they will wrap her in it and bring her to me and then the support group will make a bear out of it I would love for you to pick it out” “ I am so so so honored to do that I will go right away and it will be amazing” “Thank you” “I Love you, you can call me if you need anything, I am very proud of you and your daughter” “Thanks mom”…

HOW! How do I give my angel girl her baby? When all she will have to remember her by is this blanket? How am I doing to do this… I walk the aisles of Babys R US, HATING every single person in that store… those people shopping for babies that are alive… Grandmothers for their grandchildren… mothers for their young… I am desperate, and so sad, it overwhelms me, drowns me, and I shop in sunglasses, tears pouring down my face… I find the perfect blanket (I hope it is at least) and I pay for it… hating the cashier with every offer of baby registries and frequent shoppers cards… I wont be needing those… I throw my card at her and buy this beautiful blanket… It is getting hard to walk, I feel sadness physically at this point…

Flash Forward to Friday… The doctor’s visit went as they predicted… The baby’s heart has stopped beating, I went to the national star registry and named a star after this little baby, I put her in the Aries constellation because that is where her birth date will fall… The star is named Corynn Lily… After Corynn Lily … I wrote her a little message that will get launched into space on some future date… with her name and the coordinates of her star….”Instead of little feet, you grew wings, tonight a new star adorns the sky, a new voice joins the choir of angels and sings” … I spend Sunday with Tall Child… They have scheduled inducing labor for first thing Monday morning, I take her to buy some comfortable clothes, and out to breakfast, and I show her the blankets I have chosen, and the certificate for the star as well as a satellite image of it, and a star chart showing it as well…. They have at this time planned where to bury her, thought of caskets… have someone sewing a special small dress…. We all start to prepare for the following day, I leave mommy and daddy alone, and go home and am surrounded by and comforted….

Fast forward to Monday, March 28, 2011,  they are checked in and have text me the room number and I make it right up to them … And we wait… We talk a little… I completely lose it when the social worker comes and gives them a little box of remembrance, the people here are kind, and careful, and refer to the baby by name, and to me as Grandma…I’m so okay being called Grandma… They seem to take things a little better than I do, I glare at the newborn window every time I pass it… and as the social worker leaves, I go walk outside in the crazy snow and try to catch my breath… I need to be tougher… I need to try to not cry all day… Her room is right above the helicopter landing pad…. The sounds of the life flight helicopter will always haunt me… that’s another story…. But I listen to them all day, they give her an epidural at 4pm, she is just now starting to feel contractions, and there is no need for her to feel any pain at all… I’m sitting here in the waiting room typing this… I see an older couple walking the halls, she is older than I, and pregnant, I’m sure they are trying to speed up labor… for the first time I don’t hate the woman who walks past me… Tall Child will be here again one day… I’m sure of it… 6pm she is dilated to a one and her water broke…sitting in the lobby so she can sleep some… its nine pm… no change… 3 am dilated to a two…. 4 am a two…. 5 am… She was getting more medicine to help her induce when a very strange look crossed her face… “Something just happened” to the nurse and I…. The nurse checks her… the same strange look passes her face… “You are at least a six, I am paging the doctor now”… The doctor is here within fifteen minutes… and I leave the room, because Mommy and Daddy want to have some privacy… By Five Thirty, and it is over…. Emotions are running very high, I might be verbally assaulting every person that walks by me with tearful pleas of how she is… They all assure me she is okay, their answer isn’t enough, and I continue to ask again and again… Mr. Amazing comes and takes me to sit down, worried that I might agitate them just on the other side of that door, and only twenty minutes pass before he comes to get me, and let me in to see her.. And there she is, holding that little bundle wrapped in pink… I am so relieved to see that they all hadn’t been lying to me, she is okay…. I took a turn saying my goodbyes to that little angel as well… I left my beautiful strong daughter in the care of the most amazing and tender nurses… and let her rest finally. And then she will lay corynn to rest as well…. I am so proud of both of them.

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Mar 31 2012

Sooooo I’m a Clutz… Whew! I feel better getting that off my chest!

Author: Kerry

…Inspired by a recent urgent care visit tonight… I bring to you yet another window into my life… From the view of an ER….

The First time I can remember having any kind of emergency service (I was actually looked over by a police and paramedic, didn’t actually go in anywhere) was when I was 10 (ish?? Maybe?)… I had been trying to catch my escape German Sheppard … I was in a grouping of Oaks at the park at the end of my street and had caught up to him (okay really… He had stopped running in order to chase and corner a cat up one of the oaks) … A man walked into the oak, and started yelling at me (I remember thinking the things he was yelling didn’t make sense, but I can’t remember what he yelled… in my adult life, I have come to assume he was either a schizophrenic, or on some kind of hallucinogen) He chased me (For him to chase, I assume I started to run?) and pushed me down, gave me a pretty solid kick and let me go… I drug the huge dog home crying hysterically the whole way, and my parents called the police… after being looked over I went for a ride in the police car to where it had happened so I could show them…

…11 years old… Standing on a wall (retaining wall type of thing) in the neighbor’s yard and jumping onto the trampoline strategically placed below… I had done this so many times… This time after the initial bounce on the canvas, the second impact was the grass which I threw my arms out to catch myself or break the fall… Dislocated my elbow, tearing all the ligaments around it… this turned into (over the next 7 years) nineteen casts, two surgeries, screws and pins and artificial ligaments…

 12 Years old… Camping in the spruces.. in a tent with some sort of family (I don’t remember who) when golf ball size hail began to fall… Making a break for something more sheltering than a tent being pelted by the hail, I slipped tearing a huge gash in my shin..

… 13 Years old… Skiing with some church group… Hit a mogul … Torn knee ligaments… Toboggan ride down the mountain, knee brace for sports the rest of my life (never actually wore it)

… 15 Years old… Swallowed an entire bottle of diet pills (maybe it was vivarin actually? I don’t remember)… Stomach pumped

… 16 Years old … Car accident (driving this time… I’ve ridden in several others)…

…17 Years old … Swallowed an entire bottle of anti-depressant (Oh man, those weren’t helping huh – I never hurt myself again after this… It was a miracle I was alive… and I was ready to be grateful for it)

…  These are all melted together in the 18 years I was married, funny how age doesn’t mean as much when you’re an adult Broken Toes (Both feet … Thanks a heap for stomping them.. They broke continually after this, because they never quite set right)… Broken foot (Stress fracture… this is why I think I’m allergic to exercise)…. Broken fingers (Wild wind storm blew door shut on hand… oh and once in a fight with a desk… the desk won)… Cracked ribs…Fractured foot (Yes the other one even… )

 Rolled the car down an embankment once…

Spent 7 months in the hospital for miracle small child

… Hysterectomy, Gall bladder surgery, Scar tissue removal from gall bladder surgery… Dates with mr. frosty before the hysterectomy

… I was hit by a car and mugged at the same time (HA! That’s an awesome story)… fell down a man-hole (OH I really did… I couldn’t make this shit up!)

… Iron deficient anemia… Ulcer (Ha ha! Ya think?)

38 years old … Rolled ankle …Just a sprain… a painful sprain (I have a pretty high pain tolerance after all this)… This time  an amazing roll (I have learned how to roll not fall)… Chasing two beautiful little girls across a wide open lawn on a warm spring evening… Priceless… I am so grateful… and super sore… I wouldn’t change any of it and risk not being on that lawn.. Not being the person who chased those girls on the beautiful evening surrounded by the people I love.

Mar 30 2012

12 Famous Quotes in History… That should’ve been Smiffbib

Author: Kerry
  1. I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t make any difference!
    Albert Einstein
  2. I don’t mind, i don’t care, i don’t give a damn!
    Lyz Mike Shamsul
  3. I don’t care who don’t like me, at least I stay real.
    Pelle
  4. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
    Winston Churchill
  5. If you have anything bad to say to me, Say it to someone else cause I don’t care, I quite like myself!
    Rachel-erika Henderson
  6. I don’t care about three years ago,… I don’t care about two years ago. I don’t care about last year. The only thing I care about is this week.”
    Tom Brady
  7. I don’t care about my character here on earth.I don’t care about what other people think or say about me, all I care about is my standing before the Lord.
    Brigham Young
  8. Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.
    John F. Kennedy
  9. I don’t care how many yards you give up — if they don’t score, they don’t win. Plain and simple. I don’t care what they do.
    Champ Bailey
  10. If a man does not keep pace with his companions perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears however measured and far away.
    Henry David Thoreau
  11. Live your own life, for you will die your own death.
    Latin Proverb
  12. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
    Eleanor Roosevelt

Mar 29 2012

Wine… or crack… Something

Author: Kerry

GChat –

Me: I need wine. Or crack. Something…

Mr.Amazing: crack?

                Did you really just say that?

 Me: LOL it’s an expression

             Crack… the expression LMAO

Mr.Amazing: let’s see… legal alcohol or crack rock… lol

 Me: not crack the drug

Mr.Amazing: I am laughing at my desk

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need some wine, or crack…

Me: I feel a Facebook status coming on

Mr.Amazing: lol  I can’t stop laughing, Eli probably thinks I am retarded

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need wine or crack

                Whichever

                no biggie

Me: Now you are making me laugh

Mr.Amazing: I could really use a sandwich, some chips, maybe some crack

Me: that’s it, I’m posting it on Facebook!

Mr.Amazing: lol, your dad would be like…

            “if you are gonna do crack, let me get you in touch with some people I know”

 Me: I know right?

Me: I totally just posted it

Mr.Amazing: ???!!!

                The new expression?

                Whatever are you talking about?

                  I searched “or crack” on Google

 Me: LOL!!!

 Mr.Amazing: first reference was “Nice price or crack pipe News”

 Me: I might LOVE to see the face of whoever sees your Google history

Mr.Amazing: second is … “Lindsay Lohan is Smoking Either crack or Meth, Says her Father …”                       

                                               I posted it on Facebook!

Me: I almost choked on my own saliva

Mr.Amazing: Damn I’m hungry, I could really use a sandwich or some crack…

 Me: LOL crack would suppress your appetite

           Don’t be offended… It was meant to be completely out-of-place … that’s why it’s funny

Mr.Amazing: oh… is that why? So remember last night when we were talking about SQUIRREL!!!

 Me:  KKhhhhaaaaannnn!!!

 Mr.Amazing: ROFLMAO

                             I love that

 Me: So funny

Mr.Amazing: 

 Me: ROTFLMAO!!! OMG! I want to watch the movie now

Me: Trouble with Tribbles

Mar 29 2012

So Called … “Pink Slime”… Smiffbib!

Author: Kerry

Did you freak out when you read it?? I mean … We don’t frequent fast food joints often anyways… trying to achieve a goal of 75% organic in our diet … But when they announced the schools were using it?? I instructed the smalls to only eat salads at school… because let’s be honest… I will never be the mom that packs home lunches… I consider mixing organic granola… and greek yogurt for breakfast and serving it up home cooking… I begged the small child to not let his father take him to McDonald’s on his weekends with him… and if they had to eat that way… and let’s be honest.. they do… to only eat Wendy’s …. I work with this amazing woman named Gale… Who not only provides my body with caffeine in every type of way ingestible… but is fascinating to listen too… and she shared with me this letter to the editor she wrote our local tribune in response to their scathing report on it… and well… stop F*ing panicking… Pink Slime? Smiffbib!

From  Gale S Rudolph, PhD, C.N.S.

Letter to the Editor

Aren’t we elitist?

With more than seven billion on the planet, I applaud the food scientists who have developed methods to use all of the slaughtered animal.  Aren’t we to be “stewards of the planet” using all of our resources wisely?  I understand that 1 ½ million more cattle have to be raised to make up the deficit in mechanically separated meat (MSM) that will be discarded.

I’ve used MSM to make chili, chicken/apple sausages and more high-quality protein products.  Everyone can’t have sirloin steak.

Beehive Machinery right here in Utah developed the process and it is valued around the globe.  Yes, we strive to improve this creative technology and the meat safety.  But we cannot afford to dismiss it.  Clearly label the MSM and let consumers vote with their wallets.

Now… That being said… It still doesn’t sound good… I agree… I don’t want to eat it… But then she put it to me this way… Apple Sauce… We eat organic apple sauce at my house… Do you think that apple sauce only contains the white sweet portion of the apple? and it was lovingly hand cut from the core? or was it ran through a machine.. they cores it, and never claims to have gotten out every seed… and every little speck of skin… No… that would be too expensive… I wouldn’t be able to afford to keep smallest child in her drinkable apple sauce packages which she will drink as many as I let her a day… and it is so good for her… It is Mechanically separated… and it doesn’t have any added sugar… and it’s not something else textured and colored and sugared to look like apple sauce…  Okay.. So I am past the first issue…

….The second issue is this…. product is treated with ammonium hydroxide as an antibacterial and then frozen into 60 lb. blocks. I question the value of this treatment as the product is only sold frozen and it was used for the first 10 years without the treatment. In the last few years, Cargill Inc. has begun producing a similar product called Finely Trimmed Beef (FTB) and uses citric acid as an antibacterial. At the ground beef processing plant, the LFTB is ground directly from the frozen state and mixed at no more than a 15% level with other lean and fat beef trimmings before final grinding. USDA ruled the LFTB product did not have to be labeled separately since the original raw material it came from is beef. … Gross right? … However …

…If this product is not used anymore, the meat industry will be obliged to grow or import about 1.5 million more cattle each year according to Meatingplace.com My feeling is that USDA will eventually change the labeling rules to make it plain to the consumer which ground beef has LFTB and which does not. If that happens, I think a fair amount of grocery store consumers will choose the cheaper product with LFTB  because it works well in burgers or recipes and is safe. However, I do not believe the major QSR chains (McDonald’s,  BK, etc.) will ever use it again due to the current furor. Wendy’s has never used it because their burgers are from fresh meat only and LFTB is always frozen… Like school lunches…

So there you go … It is what it is… Take it or leave it… but at least know what it is… Smiffbib …

Mooooooooo!!

Mar 28 2012

Elephant Girl: A Human Story

Author: Kerry

 

I read this is one night… being an insomniac that isnt as amazing as it sounds…

I found this to be exactly what I needed in my life at the time…

Sad to say that most of it was because I identified so much with almost all of it…

What I found the most engaging were the sections that talked about how she processes thoughts and feelings, and explaining how she was able to make it through each event, file it away and face the next challenge…

Excerpt:
 There are layers in this world: inside, outside, near and far, and hundreds of spaces in-between, and it seems to me that which layers any person might occupy is not solely a matter of choice. We are more like chains than islands. Our lives are not determined just by our own minds and acts, but by every mind and act we have ever known.
These two excerpts… above and below are the closest I have ever heard another human being describe what goes on in my head… how I process thought… How I watch… and wait… and experience life… It moved me.
Excerpt:
I take note of curved spines and scuffed shoes, work-worn hands, half-told stories, short pauses, hesitant voices, angry edges, distracted eyes and everything opposite. Such watchfulness is exhausting and yet it’s every bit as much a part of me as my own marrow—it is inseparable from either my bones or my being. I could no more stop being vigilant than I could stop seeing.

This is not a light hearted Novel… This is gritty gut wretching truth spilled into pages …

I LOVED this book… You have no idea how much…. You will be a better person for having read it 🙂

Mar 27 2012

I’m not a number!

Author: Kerry

…. Soooo something interesting is going on in this brain of mine… I work in social media… for the greatest company in the world… and we started judging our online strategies and partners based on how many followers they had… and how many views something had… and spending money based on that… but then we got a negative mention on a blog.. .and sure enough… she had 60,000 followers… panic ensued…. I took a closer look… 60,000 followers… and no comments on her blog… 60,000 followers and I had never heard of her… So I began to do some research… I found companies that sell followers for an extremely low price… shell accounts essentially… and wondered how easy it was… In the sense of full disclosure I tweeted what I was doing and tested it out… Yep! sure enough… New followers… I went through the painstaking process of deleting them so that I wasnt misrepresenting myself… but then something weird happened… I got more followers… I can only assume that this is because I suddenly showed up on the recommendation list to a bunch of other shell account followers because I certainly didn’t ask for them… at one point… I’m thinking I pissed someone off by testing this theory… So I woke up to another 1000 followers this morning… and a coupon code tweeted to me if I want more… Ooohhh Proactive advertising of fake people… I stayed awake last night thinking about this… Tweeted openly about it… because I can’t tell who is fake or real anymore… and Decided something…. I am not a number… My influence is not decided by my followers… My opinion isn’t less important… and my ideas are certainly not less genius… So… before you judge me.. By my many followers (I think about 1150 of them are real LOL) …. In fact…. Reach > Following … and one has nothing to do with the other…. Next I will research the buying of Klout points… Dont tell me who the experts are… or suggest that I am not one!