This… This I like… and I dedicate it to Mr. Amazing!
Feb
14
2014
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Articles
Jan
15
2014
Adventures in Babysitting….
A movie you loved as a child
Remember this little gem? Cue the opening credits:
I could reenact this whole scene… just sayin… I could quote most of the movie by heart…. 
…. after all her dancing like an idiot our lead character… Chris Parker… gets the news from her boyfriend Mike that he has to cancel their date because his little sister is sick. Dejected – Chris gets roped into babysitting for the Anderson family’s two kids, Brad and Sara. Well only 8 year old Sara really needs a babysitter because Brad is 15 years old and happens to have a huge crush on Chris. It seems the night might be a pretty boring one despite the awkwardness of Brad having to be babysat by his older crush until Chris gets a call from her friend Brenda. She’s at the bus station downtown after running away from home and having blown money on the ride there… she now needs Chris to come and pick her up. With no choice but to bring Brad and Sara along… And so the adventure begins!
I think my facial expression was similar the first time small child threw up out of the corners of his eyes!
How about some 80’s style Thorgasms to finish this little walk down memory lane… Quit laughing… this was TOTALLY considered hot once.
Me-Ow
What was your favorite movie from your youth? I need some good suggestions as I seem to be coming down with a cold…. I’m pretty sure Ive got some more great movies in my coming weekend.
UPDATED: – I just think you needed this as well…
Dec
11
2013
Death of the Stache
I am cheating… lets just get that out of the way right now… because there is a conversation that happened tonight … between Small Child and Mr. Amazing (Who I understand technically is not a kid… but he plays video games… and makes up song lyrics about pooping… and twerks … so I rest my case) … and I am going to have to paraphrase a bit… even though this took place only an hour and a half ago… memories get sketchy under great duress… so you get the following
Mr Amazing: Dude, that stache has got to go… Like tonight… I can’t let you go to school again with that on your face… I will get one of your moms razors and some soap and do it if I have too
Small Child: REALLY? Because she won’t let me shave!!
Me: <Nothing because I am DYING INSIDE>
Mr Amazing: He needs to shave it tonight
Small Child: I’ll get the shaving kit!
Tall child gave him this as a gift when he was 12 much to his delight, and much to my dismay, which I promptly took away and “hid” in the top of the hall closet, apparently not fooling anyone because he got it right away
Mr Amazing: You have to charge it first
Small Child flips the switch and it buzz’s to life… assholes.
Mr Amazing: Curl your lip like this and go up and down over it until you get all the hair off
Small Child: Does it hurt?
Mr Amazing: No, its just like getting a hair cut
Small Child: I’m Nervous!
He walks into the bathroom, does the weird poke his lip out wrapping it around his teeth face at the mirror and begins BUTCHERING my very SOUL… I hear the hair cutting from his face… that I had been properly ignoring for the last 30 days or so… as the “peach fuzz” turned brown and no matter how many times I told him to wash his face it just wouldn’t come off
Mr Amazing: You missed a spot!!
Small Child: Did I get it?
Mr Amazing: Hold still … gimme that…
Small Child: I got this!
More buzzing
Mr Amazing: There! Looks much better!
Small Child: Can I use aftershave
AFTER SHAVE??? HE HAS AFTER SHAVE??? Apparently he does! Because he comes back all man smelling.
Me: We are celebrating this manhood with Gingerbread shakes!
Translation: Im eating my feelings… with a Gingerbread Shake!
THE END (of my story, and the conversation, and my sanity and HIS CHILDHOOD! Dammit)
Nov
12
2013
What’s in a name? Ask Urban Dictionary
The meaning of your name…does it suit you?
I had never researched what my name meant… and when I did… I was unimpressed… unimpressed that is until I decided that the Urban Dictionary might have a little bit more information…..
1. KerryA beautiful girl who excels in multiple facets of life. She is extremely attractive and desired by all. Some may even describe her as a goddess.
Well… There really isn’t much to argue with there… I mean… desired by all might be a bit of a stretch… might…
2. Kerrya graceful, perfect girl in every possible way. Goddess of the universe and most likely is that girl in your “awkward” thoughts. Perfect bodied and almost always turns out to be an amazing director! Usually, guys try to sneak into her apartments at night, but sadly, the cops catch them halfway there, but the next day they are out of jail so it’s all good.
Sooooo That was oddly specific… and creepy honestly… excuse me whilst I go and check to be sure all my windows and doors are locked… although that is the second time the word Goddess has been used… just stating the obvious.
3. KerryA name for a generous, beautiful, passionate, kind, sweet, and amazing girl. Some people would kneel and bow down to her, as if she were a goddess. Men often fall head over heels in love with her.
Ohhh I like the sound of that… Huh… there are 14 pages of meanings for my name on this website…
4. KerryDark haired warrior and clitoral master with the largest penis on world record.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried! I’m just not that creative… But I do have dark hair… So… There’s that.
Kerry = Hoodie Wearing Goddess of laying down in bed blogging… Look it up!
Nov
01
2013
Right in the parts!
Mr. Amazing: I don’t get paid for a while Kerry
and I think it’s important that you know that I want a keyboard
me: ROTFL!
Mr. Amazing: It makes me sad inside
me: Im sorry you are sad inside.
Mr. Amazing: in my sad because I can’t have a toy part of my body
me: I have learned one thing with you… When you get the toy… you just get sad over the next thing you want
Mr. Amazing: LOL… I really wish that I could deny that
me: But you cant
Mr. Amazing: I could be disingenuous and say that it’s all lies…and that toy “x” would make me whole my favorite toys are my nixie clock and that lamp sitting in a box
me: I remember… your life long dream… and the passion you had for getting it… you had wanted it your whole life…
Mr. Amazing: just thought you should know
me: and now its buried in junk on your dresser
Mr. Amazing:it makes me sad in the “I want my clock to be pretty” part of my body
me: “Look at these tubes kerry… they were made in the cold war”
Mr. Amazing: They were… Just sayin’ and in the early part of the cold war not the Reagan Gorbachev shaking hands pretty phase of the relationship
me: ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: Your laughter hurts me in the “you don’t like my petty toys” part of my body
me: Its a good thing you have all these parts…. do you have the Oh god she is rolling her eyes at me and its killing me part too? because that happened
Mr. Amazing: yeah… I felt a twinge that was a lot like that a few seconds ago … it was either that or gas… but I am pretty sure it was that
and it was painful
and I could feel a tear swelling in the corner of my eye
and then a co-worker was about to walk by, so I forced the tear back in
me: LOL! Man up tear ducts!
Mr. Amazing: man up… man up… sad tear ducts…deep down I know you are laughing at me…. not with me
me: ROTFLMAO! Right at you… at your parts
Mr. Amazing: deep down in the “she’s mocking me” part of my body it’s hurting me right in the feelings
me: Where is the “Oh God she is going to blog this” part of your body… because Im laughing at it now
Mr. Amazing: It’s right next to my central shame center… It’s part of my Central Anxiety System
TEN MINUTES LATER
Mr Amazing: Kerry… I love Mac OS X
Sep
23
2013
Its the finer things…. really.
WARNING- THIS MAY ONLY BE FUNNY TO THE SLEEP DEPRIVED.
me: I should grocery shop tonight…I so way don’t even want to!
Mr. Amazing: I am really sorry (it’s what I say now right?)
me: it’s cool… It just means you are getting fried chicken and potato logs for dinner
Mr. Amazing: 🙁
me: So if that doesn’t sound good for dinner… what does
Mr. Amazing: Sounds good = tomatoes and cucumbers in vinegar with fancy cheese and crackers
me: Oohhhh That sounds yummy… What else should I be buying… I gotta be honest… my head is not in the game… I don’t even know what that means
Mr. Amazing: I was laughing when I read that I imagined the announcer voice… “oooh Kerry’s heads not in the game, what d’ya think Chuck” “Well Bill, Kerry normally scores in the high 300s, today may be a down day.” “Well Chuck let’s hope that she can find the groove as she heads down to the frozen foods section”
me: Really… I just pictured me standing in the middle of the fruit and veggie sections screaming FUMBLE! Wanna do some potatoes again?
Mr. Amazing: lol, that sounds good
me: What else sounds good…You be in charge dammit!
Mr. Amazing: dammit- clam chowder in sourdough bread bowls
me: Ohhhh that sounds good
Mr. Amazing: spaghetti with beef tips and veggies in spicy sauce with aged mozzarella, capers and olives
me: Uhhhhhhhh
Mr. Amazing: with rosemary bread on the side
me: BAHAHAHAHA! That’s the funniest shit you have said all day…I say fuck this whole shopping idea, we are eating at 7-11… Slurpee’s for dessert?
Mr. Amazing: cannolis stuffed with spiced sausage and spices with noodles and marinara with myzithra cheese
me: <headdesk>
Mr. Amazing: with pistachio cheesecake and raspberry sauce
me: Meow
Mr. Amazing: and…
me: You should have married your cookie wife if you didn’t want to eat at 7-11 for dinner
Mr. Amazing: hand trimmed steaks marinated in lime chili sauce with rice and veggies in a light cheese/butter sauce with some sparkling spumante grape juice and some ice cream on top of homemade peach pie for desert
there, done… any other questions?
me: Okay… Crack head… Taquitos then?
Mr. Amazing: : ROFLMAO or you should get a super awesome job and I will stay home and cook and hire a maid to clean
me: YOU should! I will stay home and boss her around… The maid
Mr. Amazing: Like a BOSS
me: She will have to cook too
Mr. Amazing: lemon blueberry cheesecake with marscapone and whipped cream and lemon zest on top
me: No Slurpee for you! you ingrate!
Mr. Amazing: okay, okay I want a Slurpee and an all beef hot dog
me: ROTFLMAO! I am not really going to 7-11 But I love that you settled … on dinner… on life… you know… in general
Mr. Amazing: like I am going to lose my Slurpee
me: BAHAHAHA! Its the finer things in life that get us through
Mr. Amazing: yes, like wine flavored soda pop
me: Exactly!
UPDATED – What he came home too:
Aug
08
2013
Right here… still… waiting for you :)
I think I was about 15 years old… those years are fuzzy… and I am old… I was sitting on a grassy hill… under the stars in beautiful Park City, Utah… wondering if people around me were smoking pot or dancing in a mosh pit somewhere like I had heard about… But somehow I just don’t think that was happening here…
People swayed … Girls cried…. I’m sure more than one mullet got laid that night.
We ate at McDonalds on the way home… living the dream people… living the dream…
I think tar and feathers are an appropriate punishment.
I accept this.
Aug
01
2013
Meet the tallest :)
I don’t write often about Tallest Child… Because she is all growed up… and out on her own with the tiniest of all child… cooking another one in her belly!
But this weeks writing prompt only could be dedicated to her… because well… ha! she was freaking stuck!!
“A time somebody got stuck”
This is my baby girl… My daughter… and if you have been reading for a while her stories are intertwined with mine through out… I write about her on Mothers Day cause I’m her mama dammit! I shared my angels girls story of her angel… (with her permission) … because I was so proud of her… She brings me joy … She is part of every humorous story I share about small child growing up in fact… she was a key part to smiffbib even being created… I’m sure there are a million more tall child stories on here… but I’ve linked in a lot if you want some history on this beautiful woman pictured above… My god I love her… and how we show our love? By embarrassing the shit out of her!
“A time somebody got stuck”
She was standing on the stairs that went upstairs, I was standing in the kitchen below her in a Romeo and Juliet almost moment… I say almost because we aren’t Romeo and Juliet… and then… without really understanding why… she decided to shove her knee into the metal bars of the banister… you know… to see if it fit…. She stood there nonchalantly for a moment… trying to slide it back out… but after a few minutes began to panic… We (The smalls father and I) took a few minutes to laugh hysterically… trying to push her … and pull her knee… before I began to panic!… I start thinking the fire department is going to have to come and cut her out of this thing… when the father type figure had a genius idea…. Butter! you should use butter to get out of these kinds of things… and I run to the fridge…. no butter…. BUT! we own butter flavored Pam… which is really the same thing… sprayed her knee… and rescued her from its clutches…Never to be lived down again…
Psst… Tallest Child… you know about the mothers curse right?.. those Tinys are gonna make for some great stories!!!
Jul
19
2013
Giant Gummy Say What??
Mr Amazing:
Mr Amazing: This just doesn’t look right – looks like you could buy it at one of those “slumber parties”
Me: UMM OMG OMG!!! You bought me that giant gummy coke right? RIGHT?
Mr Amazing: Nope, did you read my comment on the gummy worm?
Me: I read it… But I got sidetracked by the thought of that coke bottle!
Mr Amazing:
Me: Would you focus! GIANT GUMMY COKE BOTTLE!
((Gross on the giant gummy worm btw.))
May
24
2013
… He wears the pants… literally
Mr. Amazing: I know who wears the pants in this house
me: It is you!
Mr. Amazing: me?
me: Unless it comes to activity planning
Mr. Amazing: or dinner
me: You wear the pants
Mr. Amazing: or cleaning
or…
me: Well… you bring home the bacon?
Mr. Amazing: wait, what am I in charge of?
me: I fry it up in a pan? and never ever let you forget your a man… Like that… Feminists everywhere are combusting spontaneously and they dont know why
Mr. Amazing: never ever let me forget I’m a man? really? you just typed that?
me: Its a song!
Mr. Amazing: how do you remind me that I’m a man, exactly?
me: The song said it!
Mr. Amazing: hold up
me: No no no… you hold up!
Mr. Amazing: so you are quoting lyrics from a song
me: You made me type that… I blame you
Mr. Amazing: but not with intentions of meaning what you are typing.
me: that whole pants in the family bull shit
Mr. Amazing: lol you are just upset because everyone thinks you run this house
me: I am actually! Because I don’t! You all do, and I just help you do it right ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: I could disappear for a year and people would barely notice I was gone
me: Liar! You know that isnt true
Mr. Amazing: the dishes would be done, the house would be spotless
you could have a robot leave paper towels in random locations
and leave clothes in the bathrooms
and watch TV
me: I totally would never buy that robot, Just sayin
Mr. Amazing: they may notice the lack of paper and mess
me: This is all on you… You are as big of a contributor as you choose to be
Mr. Amazing: from now on, only I wear that pants
(Click on image for a better look)
me: I AM SOOOO BLOGGING THAT! OMG!