Articles

Oct 07 2014

… Magic Happened

Author: Kerry

mama kats Share a recent text exchange that made you laugh.

Mr. Amazing: Hello

Me: Hiya

Mr. Amazing: Did I directly or indirectly make you grumpy with me?

Me:Nope… Im not grumpy

Mr. Amazing: Okay, I love you

Me: I love you too

Mr. Amazing:  you seemed grumpy, but it could have been my imagination

Me: I am always grumpy when sleeping… I butchered the shit out of my bangs this morning… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: OMG – ROFL

Me: bahahahaha I should have cut them last night

Mr. Amazing:  how bad are they?

Me: ummmm on a scale from 1 – 10? they are fucked up bahahaha I was on cold medicine, didnt have my contacts in, the mirror was foggy from the shower, I used house scissors… and magic happened

Mr. Amazing:  OMG

Me: #everythingisawesome
Mr. Amazing:
scenegirl_shortish uglybang
LOL I loooove you!

Me: ROTFLMAO! They arent that bad
I mean… they are bad… but I didnt call into work and run to the salon or anything be nice or I will try to straighten them up with these scissors at my desk…. which I have also done before

Mr. Amazing:

Steve-Tyler-funny

Me:

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Mr: Amazing : Straighter than a catholic priest, wait… straighter than that LOL, they are fine I was picturing a butcher job half way up your forehead, I was scared for you.

Oct 02 2014

Greetings October

Author: Kerry

mama katsList your top favorite things about Fall.

The crunch of leaves underfoot can be experienced just about everywhere.

Orange hues at sunset… on the leaves… the pumpkins… I love orange.

Caramel …. Caramel everything!

Hoodies!

Boots!

Sweaters and tights!

Scarves!

The sound of leaves crunching into the sidewalk as we walk.

The sound of my dog running through the leaves.

Pine cones!

Cinnamon!

Uggs!

Hot Coffee for me … Hot Chocolate for the smalls… hot tea for Mr. Amazing.

Driving through the canyon to see the walls of the canyon blazing in color.

Shorter Days!

The smell of the heater the first few times it fires up!

The first time you see your breath in the morning!

The Great Pumpkin – Charlie Brown!

I LOVE AUTUMN!

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Sep 10 2014

Alone.

Author: Kerry

mama kats

 Write about what it was like to live on your own for the first time.

I transitioned from my teen years into what I considered … and the state considered adulthood…. in a halfway house… Even though I was sharing a womans dorm with 5 woman (some fresh out of prison) I surely was on my own… I was the only one responsible for myself… but I don’t suppose that really counts… From there I rented the unfinished basement in my families home… I had my own entrance and my own car… again though… does not really qualify… shortly after that I entered the 18 year marriage that gave me small child… and again felt like I was living in someone elses home the entire time… We separated for 9 months prior to our divorce… I even changed the locks… but I still had small child and tall child in my care… or I in theirs … and we made yet another attempt at our home together… however short lived that was…  true aloneness didn’t set in until we finally filed for divorce… Tall child was in the dorms… and small child went for his first overnight visit with his father. I remember thinking I was 32 years old and for the first time ever… I was on my own.

After having spent so much of my life fending for myself, and being in so many other peoples homes (I bounced around alot as a teenager), honestly I had been more lonely in a room full of people than I ever felt when alone… you would think I would have been more prepared…

I could not stay in the house… I drove for 6 hours.. clear through the night until I was able to get small child back from his father and dreaded the next week when it would happen again… It did happen again… I slowly moved into drinking my way through his time with his father… ironically we divorced due to his fathers drinking and addictions… luckily I didnt use that coping method very long… I soon moved into throwing away anything that I didnt like in the house… and finally getting to really know myself… I chose my type of music to play when I did house work… I rearranged the furniture in a way I liked it better… I decorated with art that I saved up for and picked out myself… I painted… my god I painted so much… I joined a womans circle… I began to date after some time passed… I did that trip around the block… Thoroughly.

Funny how just as I finally learned how to be alone… and less self destructive… I remarried.

But that is a whole different subject.

audrey

Being on your own.. and being alone are two very different things in my book… I am glad I am not on my own… but I could do some more alone 🙂

Aug 29 2014

That is all…

Author: Kerry

Sometimes my life feels like a broken record… It is the same thing over and over again… Stress at work, Deadlines to Convention,  lessons with kids, grocery shopping, “Do you have homework?”, “Stop Whining” “Did you practice?” “Are you lying” What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner?””Your dog wants outside” “When was the last time you pooped?” …  a lot of the time I find comfort in the security of it… other times I appreciate the consistency of people in my life… Once in a while I grow bored and restless… Sometimes I don’t want to go home at all… I just want to get in my car and drive… and find somewhere safe to get into a drunken stupor… alone…  Today is one of those days… Nothing is wrong… I am not angry or irritated with anyone… no one has done anything wrong… I just feel trapped. Trapped by the expected… sigh… I haven’t been blogging really regularly… and it has been ages since I really blogged about myself or anything going on with me other than the brief medical lesson we all got on CMV… I didn’t even go back to the doctor to finish out the progression of the virus… I just assume I got better… by assume I mean I quit caring…I don’t even know why I keep this blog… I don’t know today as I type this why I blog at all… I suppose out of everything I do… I am glad I do this… for whatever reason it makes me happy most of the time…. not today though…  I am lacking some sleep… I am lacking a clean home… and any free time at all that I find I usually find myself seated on the couch… surrounded by whomever is home… watching kids shows… or sci-fi… I haven’t painted in months… I did take an amazing vacation with my beautiful family just two weeks ago… maybe that is what this is… Lack of Beach Depression… I am pretty sure that is a thing.

I am turning 41 in 2 weeks…My small is a sophomore… There is enough dog hair on the floor of my house to create a large chinchilla… My bathrooms are disgusting… I constantly worry I am causing my marriage to fall apart by nagging and criticizing endlessly… I am feeling very detached…  I am pretty sure my small thinks I am an asshole most days… The next person that asks for something from me… whether it be a braid put in their hair… or where their “whatever is missing at that moment” is I am going to scratch my eyes out… These are the things that go through my mind… my mind that never ever ever shuts the hell up… I try to tell myself its not real… that I am grateful and so truly blessed… because I am…I have my job… I have my health… we all have our health… we have a roof over our heads… a good one… and food in our cupboards… plenty of it… I have good friends… the most amazing ones in the world… I have Mr. Amazing… who is never anything short of Amazing… I have gorgeous long flowing locks of hair? I am reaching here I know… I have that hairy shedding dog… for another year if I am lucky… he is getting so old… and I still just wanna kick everyone in the shins…

 

That is all

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Aug 11 2014

Condolences to the world…

Author: Kerry

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Depression is such an asshole… Addiction is it’s lover… they go hand in hand as they travel through seas of “cheer up” “Just think positive” “Pray” and “What do you have to be depressed about”‘s … Reveling in a sadness and despondency that actually physically aches… wishing for anything to make it stop….I was shocked to hear about Robin Williams this evening… I was even more shocked at how deeply saddened I was… Like everyone else I feel like I have known him my entire life… I grew up with Mork and Mindy… I made it through some of the hardest parts of my teenage years with Dead Poets Society… Patch Adams made my year… I so deeply loved What Dreams May Come… regardless of its reviews about being depressing and strange… I thought it was so beautiful…. I LOVED him in insomnia, already being a Stephen King fan… when you add Robin Williams to that recipe I was in heaven… I raised my small and tall on Flubber, Aladin, Jumanji and ofcourse Hook! Toys was another one kinda unknown and I adored it… I decided to divorce my smalls father based on the line in Mrs Doubtfire “I do not like who I am when I am with you”… and like everyone else, though I didn’t know him, all I knew were these characters, I loved him.

My Heart is broken for his family… I have no words for how sorry I am for them and their loss….

Money, Fame, Fortune, Awards… Not enough… So when you wish for something outside of you to make you happy… realize it does not.

And most of all…. if you are hurting… if you are alone… if you are not safe… Please get help…

Suicide Prevention Hotlines: Please share.

You do not know what demons people have to fight

You do not know what demons people have to fight

 

Jul 17 2014

Pure Joy…

Author: Kerry

You have brought me nothing but pure joy since that very first moment… Watching you grow… absorbing the world around you… inquisitive and delighted to learn… I’m reminded each day of the miracles you bring into my world.

As all mothers do…  I have goals… dreams and wishes for you

Don’t ever apologize for who you are, for what you want, for how hard you have worked or where you are going in life. I don’t doubt you will work hard… but I can already see signs that you are quick to apologize… to back down. Don’t. You have learned this from me and I wish I could take it back… Stand your ground… be proud of you.  Do not live to make others happy or to measure up to someone else’s expectations…  Be Johnathon.  This is enough.

I wish for the kind heart I see you in now to stay firmly in place…  Keep it, nurture it, handle it with care.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are too sensitive… You are the first to hold your step sister’s hand when she is scared… the first to run for the ice pack when someone is hurt… the first to panic when people fight because the fighting  for no reason is perplexing to you…   I couldn’t live without your affection and kindness.

Seek joy… Pure Joy… Every single day, find something that makes you happy and do it.  Be it big or small – an act of kindness, listening to a song you love, calling a friend – it quite simply doesn’t matter.  What matters is that you spend a portion of each day smiling and laughing.

Your dreams: do them.  Your heart: follow it…  Your family: treasure them… Your friends: be loyal to them… Your fears: embrace them and allow them to make you stronger…  The money you earn: respect it… Your passion: LIVE IT.

I will always call you bug… buddy… neenerfan… angel boy. I am so proud to call you my son.

Today I am going to take you to attempt to get your learners permit and I am going to put you behind the wheel of a car… I feel like there is an energy… a force in you that I cannot slow down… or contain… I miss your small face… but your deep voice is such a sense of pride for me… you are such a fine young man. Happy Birthday my baby…. and many more.

little big

Jul 14 2014

8 is great!

Author: Kerry

eight-is-great
Watching you grow into the young girl that you are has been an amazing journey and I know that I am a huge part of that… I do not do this to win your affection … I do it because I love you with every part of my heart.

It’s amazing to me that you’re so grown up now… You are 8 already… Our 6.5 years flash before my eyes pretty regularly… looking back now your personality is still as precocious as it was from day one… yet you love so much more than I ever imagined you would I am convinced of this watching you attending to your sister with more heart than I thought you had…. You love so fiercely

My wish for you this year is simple… I hope that you always allow your wonderful self to shine… Do not let others tell you how to act or who to be… Do not let others let you waiver from your own path… Above all else… do not let anyone make you feel anything other than amazing… You are intelligent… sincere… empathetic… giving… creative… and oh so beautiful… I know that you have been blessed with everything you need in life to succeed and find happiness… This world is an amazing and challenging place… It is yours to savor… and navigate… Live each day with a sense of gratitude … I will be beside you every step of the way… I will hold your hand… cheer you on… pick you up… and watch you discover all that it means to be you… I love you pretty facey.

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Jul 03 2014

Who needs love…

Author: Kerry

My themesong for the week! because well…. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Amanda Palmer LOL

 

Jun 12 2014

And just like them old stars…

Author: Kerry

This song is a little more country sounding than I usually go for… but I am feeling it this week… right in the feelings. Plus, I love me some Jason Mraz… and I believe in old souls.

May 06 2014

Don’t Let me get me…

Author: Kerry

mama kats List your top 6 biggest fears, choose one and tell us why.

#1 My favorite genre of movie is Horror/Thriller/Sci-Fi/Paranormal etc… But Scary movies that say “based on a true story.” Um, no… what this means is this could actually happen to me.

based-on-a-true-story

#2 People that get professional photos taken with their pets. Adding your puppy in your outdoor family photo shoot isn’t what we are talking about… Im talking about the ones that go into a studio… alone with their cat, dog, parakeet or whatever… You people scare me. Double points to those that get professional photos taken of their pets… And then hang them in their own entry.

Bird Photography San Francisco

#3 Spiders… But…

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As previously eluded too… I love Dr. Who… .but… #4

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And THIS! #5

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Okay okay… all fun and games.. I know… (or is it?)… What really scares me… gives me nightmares… keeps me awake at night… is #6 myself.

What really scares me is that I’m average I’m not really good at anything or really beautiful I’m going to live an average life with an average job an average income and die an average death with an average funeral…That may be good enough for some people… but not me…

Each day I face my fear …. I wake up and tell my brain to go fuck itself and head out to give someone something to remember me by… every single day.

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