On this day… just 19 years ago, I gave birth to a tiny premature baby boy… who was not supposed to arrive until the First of September.  With beautiful blue eyes… dimples right at his tailbone… and head full of blonde. As soon as my eyes laid on him… it was immediate earth shattering love. The kind of love I never thought I would experience, anyway. My pregnancy had been one filled with drama.. hospitals…   and doubt, but it didn’t matter anymore.

It would be me and him, against the world, and I felt so proud to be blessed with such a happy and healthy baby boy.

I’ve blogged many times about the trials and tribulations we both experienced as a we have trudged this road to happy destiny… much to his chagrin I am sure…  But none of those events and episodes dampened the love for my child… or his love for me. With every mistake I made… tear I shed…  and wish I dreamed… he was there next to me saying that it would be okay. I’m sure his young eyes saw more than he should… but I know that because of that… it cemented his moral compass to his heart like a badge of honor.

As a young mom… I often overcompensated when I could. He was probably given more than he should’ve been at times.  When you are a mom… you make mistakes; and when you are a struggling through divorce.. illness… and career mom, well those mistakes are raised tenfold. I did the best that I could. But my son never judged me…  never wavered.

I never knew unconditional love until I experienced it from my boy. I learned to love unconditionally the moment he arrived.

Now he’s all grown up, and we aren’t living apart again yet (Though he did give me a crash course in that earlier this year). We speak on a daily basis but it’s not the same. He’s matured and grown during the few months he was away and I can’t help but to see that little boy becoming a man.

I long for the days when he used to call me Mommy and beg me to read him a bedtime story. Those days are indeed gone I suppose.

Being a mom on an “adult” is new territory for me. Loosening these apron strings hasn’t been easy, but I know for both of us to continue on in our lives, it has to be done.

So each day, I get more and more strength to not over-parent… over-love… over-mom him.

He probably has no idea that I lay awake many nights thinking of him, wondering if he is making the right choices. All I can rely on now is the fact that I parented him the best way I knew how; he’s earned his wings and now I can watch in the stands as he takes off and flies to his destiny.

The cheers are for how proud he has made me. Jeers for the times when I text and he doesn’t immediately reply. Tears as I mourn the little boy he used to be as I get to know the man that he is becoming.

I love you, Son. Happy Birthday.

Mommy.