Humor

Apr 03 2012

My Vagina hates Santorum…

Author: Kerry

Gchat Stream –

me:  I kinda want to make my status update of the day be “My Vagina hates Santorum” … But I dont think i can LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol   not a good idea

me: I didnt post it… but it was funny…

Mr.Amazing: questions will inevitably arise, like “how do you know? you have Santorum in your vagina lately?”

me: Noooo I dont think so… well maybe from you… but no one else im friends with would have the guts to respond to that LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol there is always womb for Santorum, Santorum, pro womb

me: ROTFL!! That is horrible

Mr.Amazing: Santorum will never clean your womb
that’s the worst ever – btw

me: That was soooooo bad!

Mr.Amazing: I am so pro life
but before a brain has formed, I have a hard time forming an argument
but seriously, I hate it

me:  So this is why even though I am pro life, I dont judge other people based on their opinions, I dont feel I have the right to legislate a womans womb so
keep government out of my womb
HAHA! that should be my status update
Mr.Amazing: no womb for government

me: Exactly!!!

Apr 02 2012

Mirror Mirror … Yes Please!

Author: Kerry
Mr Amazing and I went in expecting a darker version of Snow White… I was genuinely surprised and amazed at the animation sections, I had never seen animation like this… It was stunning…. Even more stunning though was the actress who played Snow White! “Snow White is a princess in exile, and the evil Queen rules her captured kingdom. Seven courageous rebel dwarfs join forces with Snow White as she fights to reclaim her birthright and win her Prince.” It was like a cross between Bollywood meets Ella Enchanted… and I was beyond enchanted… I laughed… I laughed outright several times… The Dwarves are the most wonderful characters ever! I loved the entire thing… It was super cheesy.. but they had fun with that… and made light of it… I would love to see this again… Dont listen to anyone but me! See it! and stay for the Indian Inspired dance scene at the end… ADORABLE!!!
Mar 29 2012

Wine… or crack… Something

Author: Kerry

GChat –

Me: I need wine. Or crack. Something…

Mr.Amazing: crack?

                Did you really just say that?

 Me: LOL it’s an expression

             Crack… the expression LMAO

Mr.Amazing: let’s see… legal alcohol or crack rock… lol

 Me: not crack the drug

Mr.Amazing: I am laughing at my desk

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need some wine, or crack…

Me: I feel a Facebook status coming on

Mr.Amazing: lol  I can’t stop laughing, Eli probably thinks I am retarded

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need wine or crack

                Whichever

                no biggie

Me: Now you are making me laugh

Mr.Amazing: I could really use a sandwich, some chips, maybe some crack

Me: that’s it, I’m posting it on Facebook!

Mr.Amazing: lol, your dad would be like…

            “if you are gonna do crack, let me get you in touch with some people I know”

 Me: I know right?

Me: I totally just posted it

Mr.Amazing: ???!!!

                The new expression?

                Whatever are you talking about?

                  I searched “or crack” on Google

 Me: LOL!!!

 Mr.Amazing: first reference was “Nice price or crack pipe News”

 Me: I might LOVE to see the face of whoever sees your Google history

Mr.Amazing: second is … “Lindsay Lohan is Smoking Either crack or Meth, Says her Father …”                       

                                               I posted it on Facebook!

Me: I almost choked on my own saliva

Mr.Amazing: Damn I’m hungry, I could really use a sandwich or some crack…

 Me: LOL crack would suppress your appetite

           Don’t be offended… It was meant to be completely out-of-place … that’s why it’s funny

Mr.Amazing: oh… is that why? So remember last night when we were talking about SQUIRREL!!!

 Me:  KKhhhhaaaaannnn!!!

 Mr.Amazing: ROFLMAO

                             I love that

 Me: So funny

Mr.Amazing: 

 Me: ROTFLMAO!!! OMG! I want to watch the movie now

Me: Trouble with Tribbles

Mar 27 2012

I’m not a number!

Author: Kerry

…. Soooo something interesting is going on in this brain of mine… I work in social media… for the greatest company in the world… and we started judging our online strategies and partners based on how many followers they had… and how many views something had… and spending money based on that… but then we got a negative mention on a blog.. .and sure enough… she had 60,000 followers… panic ensued…. I took a closer look… 60,000 followers… and no comments on her blog… 60,000 followers and I had never heard of her… So I began to do some research… I found companies that sell followers for an extremely low price… shell accounts essentially… and wondered how easy it was… In the sense of full disclosure I tweeted what I was doing and tested it out… Yep! sure enough… New followers… I went through the painstaking process of deleting them so that I wasnt misrepresenting myself… but then something weird happened… I got more followers… I can only assume that this is because I suddenly showed up on the recommendation list to a bunch of other shell account followers because I certainly didn’t ask for them… at one point… I’m thinking I pissed someone off by testing this theory… So I woke up to another 1000 followers this morning… and a coupon code tweeted to me if I want more… Ooohhh Proactive advertising of fake people… I stayed awake last night thinking about this… Tweeted openly about it… because I can’t tell who is fake or real anymore… and Decided something…. I am not a number… My influence is not decided by my followers… My opinion isn’t less important… and my ideas are certainly not less genius… So… before you judge me.. By my many followers (I think about 1150 of them are real LOL) …. In fact…. Reach > Following … and one has nothing to do with the other…. Next I will research the buying of Klout points… Dont tell me who the experts are… or suggest that I am not one!

Mar 27 2012

So… Happiness … We meet again…

Author: Kerry

Gchat –

Mr.Amazing: How are you doing?

me: I’m alright… you?

Mr.Amazing: Doing okay, just wanted to check on you

You seemed super happy this morning, I just didn’t want to lose you to over-happiness…

me: LOL oh, I’m swimming in it

that happiness

Mr.Amazing: you that happiness

yeah.. you

they are so similar

me: I’m just working away, doing what I need too, and noticed something…

Mr.Amazing: what is that?

me: LOL when you decide you hate someone.. you hate everything about them… look at that bitch over there eating those crackers like she owns the place

LMAO! I think I’m hysterical

Mr.Amazing: Wow

me: I looooovvveee you

Mr.Amazing: So… are you upset with them?

I like crackers

Do you hate me?

So are you upset with them?

me: LOL upset? whatever gave you that Idea

I’m murderous… completely different

Mr.Amazing: oh

that seems healthy

me: Right?

Mr.Amazing: not really…

me: Meh… Bitterness looks good on me

Mr.Amazing: Uh…

me: I’ve been told I look nice three times

Mr.Amazing: I think you should just be happy

See, you look nice

Mr.Amazing: Sorry you are attitudey…

me: Its actually my best work quality 🙂

really

Mar 23 2012

… Just another Day in Paradise

Author: Kerry

Due to my motivation and ambition being on vacation on this fine friday morning… I started reading through old emails… instead of answering current ones that would surely require thought that I havent had enough coffee to form yet… which I am gulping at an alarming rate convinced my brain is at the bottom of this cup…. I found this… admit it… you would like to work with me

Dear Princess Natalie,

Hi, my name is, oh man, you almost got me there, but any how I kidnapped something very dear to your heart (see picture below). Why am I doing this, well, I want some money, and this was the first thing that came to my mind. Since I don’t like to work, I decided that this would be the catalyst to a lump some of ill gained cash. So here is what I want, I want all the money you have in you’re pockets, not to mention a VIP room in Buckingham Palace, free for my use whenever I want. I also want one of those crowns with the red felt and criss-crossed gold with jewels in it and the little cross on top, and I will need a scepter also, because with a scepter I can hit anyone that calls me stupid when I carry around a scepter and crown.

If you don’t meet my demands, I am willing to go to some drastic levels. I urge you to try me, call my bluff, and just see what happens.

So make haste Little Lady, and meet my demands, because you don’t want me to reach the third stage of my plan, trust me.

Sincerely,
Kerry ….I mean…not.

Mar 21 2012

When arranging transportation turns into an Email Serenade

Author: Kerry

This is what happens when I follow up on a text asking for Small Child to be transported from school… I was asking for a favor… So really… I had to sing a little… Luckily, My friends know how to handle that

From: Kerry
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 8:19 AM
To: Michelle
Subject: You! Yeah you… over there!

Did you get my text… have I told you lately that I love you… Have I told you, theres no one else above you… you fill my heart with gladness… take away all my sadness… ease my troubles that’s what you do

From: Michelle
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:05 AM
To: Kerry 
Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

 

Yep, sorry. I didn’t see it until late last night. My phone was hiding from me. Yep, we can pick up Small Child this week….   Did you ever know that you’re my hero, and everything I would like to be? …. I can fly higher than an eagle,…. ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

 

From: Kerry

Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:18 AM

To: Michelle

Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!
 

Thank you!!!!! … Lean on me… when youre not strong.. and Ill be your friend… Ill help you carry on… Just call on me brother.. if you need a hand… we all need somebody to lean on. J

From: Michelle
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:40 AM

To: Kerry
Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

No problem!!  … I’ll be there for you …  (When the rain starts to pour) …I’ll be there for you … (Like I’ve been there before) …. I’ll be there for you  … (‘Cause you’re there for me too) 

From: Kerry
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:42 AM
To: Michelle

Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there! 

ROTFL!! Me and you.. and you and me… no matter how you toss the dice.. it had to be.. the only one for me is you… and you for me… so happy together!!!

From: Michelle
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:48 AM

To: Kerry 
Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

 … You’ve got a friend in me … You’ve got a friend in me … When the road looks rough ahead … And you’re miles and miles …From your nice warm bed …Just remember what your old pal said … You’ve got a friend in me.

From: Kerry
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:51 AM
To: Michelle

Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

Keep smiling… keep shining… knowing you can always count on me.. for sure… that’s what friends are for… through good times.. and bad times.. Ill be on your side for ever more… That’s what friends are for

From: Michelle
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:59 AM

To: Kerry 
Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

What would you think if I sang out of tune, … Would you stand up and walk out on me? … Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song  … And I’ll try not to sing out of key…. Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends …Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

From: Kerry
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 10:01 AM
To: Michelle

Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

<waves lighter back and forth> We are the world… We are the children… We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving… There’s a choice we’re making… we’re saving our own lives… Its true we’ll make a better day.. just you and me

From: Michelle
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 10:10 AM

To: Kerry 
Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!

I’d like to see the world for once …  all standing hand in hand … and hear them echo through the hills … for peace throughout the land (that’s the song i hear) … I’d like to teach the world to sing
in perfect harmony… I’d like to buy the world a coke …and keep it company


From: Kerry
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 10:11 AM

To: Michelle
Subject: RE: You! Yeah you… over there!
Okay! You win! LMAO! You know this is going to end up on my blog

 

Mar 21 2012

Uhhh Yeah…. That just happened.

Author: Kerry

This is what happens after I innocently order Wine Flavored Gummies from the UK… Do you all have this problem

(Gmail Chat)

Mr Amazing:  lol gross why?! 
 
me:  Behave… I bet i could find urine gummies – Im going to look
Mr Amazing:  lol gross why?!
me:  Just to see LMAO
Ummmm okay no gummies… but I did find this little treasure
Mr Amazing: Good work, and look at the rating
I am buying it
me:  Dont you dare!!
Mr Amazing:   I just did, it looked really interesting
me:  OMG people have reviewed it! LMAO!
Mr Amazing:   using toilets and urine to create nitrogen rich compost heaps
she talks about where you can find cheap toilets
me:  ROTFLMAO!!!
Mr Amazing:   and Small Child could pee in the backyard whenever
and we can feed the flowers with it
me:  Like he would need the excuse
Mr Amazing:   Well, I ordered it
me: Liar … LMAO 
Mr Amazing:   I am going on ebay to order a toilet
me:  People that buy that book… also buy this… amazon said so
Mr Amazing:   even better, it’s made of porcelain and it’s pretty
me:  LMAO! quit it
Mr Amazing:   can pee in it and add leaves and banana peels and apples, etc
instead of throwing away all of that food
me:  OMG! Stop LMAO!
me:  ROTFLMAO!! OMG
Mr Amazing:    I can’t buy it yet, but the auction is going for 4 more days
I am going to bid $20
me:  I just pinned that toilet on pinterest LMAO
Mr Amazing:   It’s seriously awesome
me:  I titled it “Talk about a pot to piss in”… class just oozes from my pores
Mr Amazing:   I just put in a bid
do you see it yet?
me:  OMG! stop! no you didnt!
Mr Amazing:   I totally did
and I ordered the book
we are going to try this
it’s supposed to help the environment
me:  …
Mr Amazing:   don’t be mad
it really does look cool
right?
me:  Im going to copy this entire conversation and just post it on a blog