Humor

Apr 17 2012

… Its Kinda like a Holiday… Its Bloggess Day!

Author: Kerry

I woke up this morning… Open my Kindle… and watched in awe as the book downloaded to my device…. Squeeeeeee!!! So to my own blog… whose holiday it is not… I apologize for the neglect as I read this… But… to make it up to you… I will give an EBook copy of this magic as a Bloggess day gift for your very own…. Comment… Baffle me with Bullshit… I will pick a random commenter and squeee in unison with them… YAY US!

 

The whole thing is I just like her that much… I dont care about visitors to my site… no offense… but Im not selling shit… Im just having fun 🙂

Apr 14 2012

The 4 best ways to end a Conversation…. Ever… Really…

Author: Kerry

So it took me years to perfect this technique… but I have been keeping track of which ones get the biggest reaction… hence the quickest retreat… The 4 below are the winners! … I have included useful ways to work these into the conversation if you ever find yourself needing to end it…

#1 “I’m an elf.”


(No explanation necessary.)

 

 

 

#2 “you wanna touch it?”
I know from experience that this is one of the most awkward questions in the English language. I have a certain blonde headed friend who uses this phrase as his calling card of awkward situations. In order to really achieve the beauty of this question, one must say it just loud enough to be heard. The goal is not to be clearly understood, but rather just barely understood. The victim should walk away disappointed, confused, and emotionally violated.

#3 “You’re the one!”
Once again, I have experience with this one. This exclamation should be utilized in the most hopeful voice that you can muster. You have to sound like you really believe the person is the one for you, otherwise this is just stupid. Other special effects for this one are puppy dog eyes and an awkward half-smile. This might just be the most potent of the 4. Also, if you happen to attend a Christian university, this phrase works like magic. Ask me how I know

#4 “Tell your mom I said hi!”
Talking about people’s moms is weird enough, but for a total stranger to ask for you to tell your mom that they said hi? That is ridiculous. I think this one is funny because think of the hours of sleep your victim would lose at night because of the constant wondering about how you knew your mom, if you knew your mom, and why you did know your mom if you weren’t lying.

You’re welcome…

Apr 12 2012

Chicken Cherry Cola … and 7 other misheard Lyrics

Author: Kerry

I wanted to write a funny post about how I got some song lyrics wrong…and I started to draft it out and realized it was a little bit more of a tangled web I needed to weave if I expected anyone to follow it…  So I am going to Type it… and you are going to either close the site at this point… or love it…

All of my friends have a nickname… and my smalls… and my Mr. Amazing… you get the idea … This story is about Bacteria… who let’s be honest… may be solely responsible for my nickname fetish… Bacteria is Bacteria because her last name at the time was Renteria… and well… Bacteria is funnier… She calls me Buzzer

We met working in a local convenient store many many moons ago … when I was taking night classes and they offered tuition reimbursement… So we opened the store at 5 am to receive deliveries… One day there was an alarm going off inside the store… Looking at the safe alarm… it wasnt it… looking at the emergency shut offs for the gas pumps… it wasnt it… I couldn’t find it anywhere… The coke delivery guy showed up just as I was about to call for help (no really, I was dialing the fire dept)… and simply walked behind the counter and hit snooze on the alarm clock (thanks a heap evening shift guy) … Hence the name buzzer… and a life long friendship

 At said store we were stocking shelves to a well choreographed routing of  I Want you -Savage Garden when I sang 

 “anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes… mumble mumble … CHICKEN CHERRY COLA”

… and well… you can imagine the reaction… we googled the lyrics … (see above link if curious about the correct ones)  BUT This year… 15 years later… 15!! I was vindicated with this post on my Facebook wall…

 (thanks bacteria) and I realized I am not alone!!! What other ones do you get wrong?

Here are my Top 7

1-       Elton John — ‘Tiny Dancer’

Me: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
Real: “Hold me closer, tiny dancer.”

2-      Pearl Jam — ‘Glorified’

Me: “Horrified virgin on a pelican”
Real: “Glorified version of a pellet gun”

3-      Manfred Mann’s Earth Band –‘Blinded by the Light’

Me: “Wrapped up like a douche”
Real: “Revved up like a deuce”

4-      Van Halen — ‘Panama’

Me: “You reach down between my legs… squeeze the seed bag.”
Real: “You reach down between my legs… ease the seat back.”

5-      Adele — ‘Chasing Pavements’

Me: “Should I just keep chasing penguins?”
Real: “Should I just keep chasing pavements?”

6-      Creedence Clearwater Revival — ‘Bad Moon Rising’

Me: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”
Real: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

7-      Eagles — ‘Desperado’

Me: “You’ve been outright offensive for so long now.”
Real: “You’ve been out riding fences for so long now.”

Mr. Amazing donated unknowingly the Pledge of Allegiance as he recited it in his younger years to honor this post 🙂

“I plague a league dance to the flag, of the young knighted states of America, Aunt two republics with wicker stands, one nation, under God, Invisible, witch liver tea and just this for all”

Apr 10 2012

… You do the math

Author: Kerry

G-Chat

Mr. Amazing: 84.5% of the time, it’s wrong every time
: 25% of people polled think I am crazy
  15% want to vote for Santorum

 me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: you do the math
  No more male ovarian jokes?
 

me: You think?

Mr. Amazing: You do the math
  You think I’m crazy?
  You do the math
  You like juice smoothies?

 me: ROTFLMAO!  You do the math

Mr. Amazing: I love it when people put that out of context
  You do the math

 me: Quit saying it! LMAO
  I smell like peanut butter… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: Let’s see 9% of people think that they don’t want to do the math, more people than that don’t like math, 23% of all people polled were polled as saying 45% of the time they were polled inappropriately and 9% of those were polled and asked if they liked bubble gum, nearly 90% of those people polled at 45% favorable for a Republican president… therefore… people who like bubble gum were polled inappropriately and want a Republican president…
  you do the math

 me: I like bubble gum…
  Your calculations are incorrect

Mr. Amazing: I am sorry, there is a 45% chance that you don’t even believe what you are saying
  according to numbers and polling by “Americans who want to save Americans”

 me: Its true.. Im not really convinced I like bubblegum..

Mr. Amazing: (but not South Americans, or Canadians)
  (or Mexico)
  (or Hondurus)
  (or Costa Rica)

 me: You are crazy… back to my peanut butter problem……..
 

Mr. Amazing: (or Nicarauga)
  Dogs like peanut butter
You do the math

 me: Did you just call me a Dog?

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/fully-operational-tron-light-cycle-now-street-legal-and-for-sale.html

 me: YOU NEED THAT!
 Okay… I need that… (im a better driver)

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/man-builds-street-legal-batmobile-using-turbine-engine.html

 me: No, Tron Bike is cooler.
  Does it leave a light trail???
   because the grid is real

Mr.Amazing: I got in man…

me: I should start calling you number 1
  like… “number 1, engage”
  and “make it so number 1”
 

Apr 08 2012

… That damn bunny!!!

Author: Kerry

I remember thinking that when I had kids of my own that there were some super lame holidays I just wouldn’t get sucked into…. and before we go all righteous on the religious meaning behind them…. you’re the people telling your kids fictitious characters come into their homes in the dead of night and leave them things…

… Santa I understood… he sees you when your sleeping… he knows when your awake… all that creeper stuff…. I get it.. besides I love Christmas magic… I really do… but let’s go over a few I don’t get…. the tooth fairy…. okay seriously disturbing… and I’m not the only one who thinks so… there are horror movies about it…. and beyond that… gross… what am I supposed to do with that tooth… I remember sneaking through my mothers drawer and finding them… eek… what’s she gonna do with them.. give them to me with my baby stuff…. “Thanks a heap for the rotting hunk of bone from my prepubescent mouth Mom! ”

… and of course the Easter bunny…. anyone wanna take a stab at explaining the sense behind this tradition and not make it sound lame? … good luck…. but of course by the time I had the small child .. I was not the only person with a vested interest in his up bringing… and MIL had known my plans to deprive him of this weirdness….. and blackmailed me with threats of trying to indoctrinate him into organized religion if I didn’t participate in her favorite holiday…. so… obviously she won…. he was almost two when we introduced this holiday to him…. he loved coloring the eggs…. he could have spent hours bathing those precious little cooked eggs in colors … and he left them in the fridge in his crayon decorated and stickered carton… went to bed happily chirping about eggs and them representing spring…. and the colors were so pretty… in the morning he awoke to a chocolate laden basket… with jelly beans… and stuffed bunny larger than his tiny toddler body…. the Easter bunny had come… and he ran to check on his eggs hoping the bunny had liked them… only to find the empty Carton on the kitchen counter …. his grandma and father were poised with cameras to catch the reaction of his first egg hunt…. I wish I had caught their reactions to his…. small child’s face skewed into the angriest most disgusted expression I had ever seen… then in a low voice spit out the words…”That damn bunny took my eggs! “…. shocked to say the least someone pointed out a hidden egg to him and suggested perhaps that bunny had just hid them…..(I laughed uncontrollably through the entire charade… muttering that damn bunny everytime he looked like he may have gotten over his fury… keeping his rage harnessed) … oh he found those eggs.. proclaiming the Easter bunny the “biggest jerk ” as he found the eggs one by one… until each of his beautiful eggs were back in the carton where they belonged… and then he ate that chocolate rabbit… it was in vengeance, biting those ears off angrily… for the prank that had been played on him….that damn bunny! the following year he drew scary faces on the eggs to try to scare the bunny off…. this year he is helping me make the basket for smallest child… and he still thinks the Easter bunny sucks …. I couldn’t agree more.

Apr 07 2012

6 times “Smiffbib” is the only appropriate response

Author: Kerry

1. I eat tacos with a fork.

2. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.

3. I don’t believe in democracy.

  4. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.

 

 

 

 

5. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.

6. If you asked me to tell you my favorite movie, I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.

Apr 05 2012

… You probably had to be here…

Author: Kerry

Does everybody have “that guy” in your office that has that weird horse statue on his desk….Sure its probably some sentimental gift from Vietnam that was given to him by a close friend…. Well… Im “that girl” who cant leave it alone… it turns into a 5 year game of hide said horsey thing and hold it for different ransoms… or hide him bathrooms… or drawers… or planters…. or pose it in weird sexual positions with a gumby key chain? and write mass emails about their escapades???

Dear Weird Horsey,

You are my king and my prince. You are my knight in shining armor. We have so much in common. I am so glad we like the same things like going out to eat at romantic restaurants like Morton’s and watching movies. I can’t believe you were ever shy but I am glad you broke out of your shell before you met me.

I know you have been hurt in the past and I will never hurt you like that. I am yours and you are mine forever and always. I want to die loving you. I want you to be the last man I ever kiss. I hate that we broke up that one time but I think it made up realize what we lost.I cherish each and every day with you. You are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. I love to hear you laugh, see you smile and watch you eat. You have a way about you. You are irresistible to me and I don’t know how anyone could let you go. I know I never will.

I didn’t used to be romantic but you bring it out of me. You have taught me so much and I admire your strength. The thing I love most about you is how you can change my mood from sad to happy. I love going places with you like weddings, the beach and walking. I am yours for as long as you will have me. See pictures below of our escapades

Love always,

Gumby

Apr 05 2012

… Got Sleep?

Author: Kerry

Set the goal not to tweet while sleep deprived… this Gchat was the result of said goal

Gchat –

Mr. Amazing: Do you want to transfer $30 back to my account so I can get Setebello for dinner?

 me: Roast in slowcooker… your family coming

Mr. Amazing: Oh… pot roast
  damn
  never mind
  oh well
  See… I offered

 me: That was pure evil

Mr. Amazing: lol
  monkey torture…

 me: Hey Kerry… Do you want to eat your favorite dinner? Or you want to play with a raw hunk of cow with ice cubes sticking to it in the morning and eat it that night

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO

 me: With people over… (I hate people)

Mr. Amazing: ooooh… Oh… umm…. oh….. …uhhh…. ummm….. uh…. Oh OH… the second one?! 

 me: Tell the lucky lady what she won
  Well Bob… she has won a hunk of beef… that will cause her to be ill.. and she will do the dishes too!
 Just so you know… Ice cubes rip raw cow ass up… just like they would stick to your tongue
  … Got Sleep?

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO
  really
 rip raw cow ass up
  I can’t stop laughing

 me: YAY!
  But… Its true

Mr. Amazing: I didn’t think you would be stirring the cow ass with the ice cubes

me: It really was all a bit more complicated that you imagined I think… remember when I asked… at the last-minute this morning… Do you think it will all fit?
  I had to RIP ice cubes from the hunk of cow ass.. and rearrange them
  Gagging the whole time.. doing the potty looking type of dance and squealing in terror

Mr. Amazing: ripping off cow flesh
  it will just add flavor to the potatoes
  cow ass flesh flavor

 me: Right? That is what I figured…
  I will serve you a heaping plate of it tonight… assuming I remembered to turn on the slow cooker

Mr. Amazing: oh God
  please tell me you did

 me: Ofcourse I did… I checked twice… and locked the doors twice

Mr. Amazing: and make sure  to turn it to low

 me: and went back and checked my curling iron
  ….  I just sneezed gum into my hands… see.. these are the things you learn when I cant tweet it

Mr. Amazing: lol – would you have tweeted that?

 me: Yes… Yes I would have
Mr. Amazing: got sleep?

me: Belly Buttons can join Feet and Raw Cow ass on my , NASTY list again… what I would have tweeted

Mr. Amazing: belly buttons?
   like your own?
  are you inspecting your naval?

 me: Maybe?

Mr. Amazing: Why?
  Are you looking for something?

 me: …. I don’t have a valid response

Mr. Amazing: ROFL… I love you