Don’t mind if I do
UPDATED! (I BLAME THE BLOGGESS… and I feel ill)
Nov
19
2013
smiffbib
socially acceptable f@#% off!
Humor
Nov
12
2013
What’s in a name? Ask Urban Dictionary
The meaning of your name…does it suit you?
I had never researched what my name meant… and when I did… I was unimpressed… unimpressed that is until I decided that the Urban Dictionary might have a little bit more information…..
1. KerryA beautiful girl who excels in multiple facets of life. She is extremely attractive and desired by all. Some may even describe her as a goddess.
Well… There really isn’t much to argue with there… I mean… desired by all might be a bit of a stretch… might…
2. Kerrya graceful, perfect girl in every possible way. Goddess of the universe and most likely is that girl in your “awkward” thoughts. Perfect bodied and almost always turns out to be an amazing director! Usually, guys try to sneak into her apartments at night, but sadly, the cops catch them halfway there, but the next day they are out of jail so it’s all good.
Sooooo That was oddly specific… and creepy honestly… excuse me whilst I go and check to be sure all my windows and doors are locked… although that is the second time the word Goddess has been used… just stating the obvious.
3. KerryA name for a generous, beautiful, passionate, kind, sweet, and amazing girl. Some people would kneel and bow down to her, as if she were a goddess. Men often fall head over heels in love with her.
Ohhh I like the sound of that… Huh… there are 14 pages of meanings for my name on this website…
4. KerryDark haired warrior and clitoral master with the largest penis on world record.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried! I’m just not that creative… But I do have dark hair… So… There’s that.
Kerry = Hoodie Wearing Goddess of laying down in bed blogging… Look it up!
Nov
01
2013
Right in the parts!
Mr. Amazing: I don’t get paid for a while Kerry
and I think it’s important that you know that I want a keyboard
me: ROTFL!
Mr. Amazing: It makes me sad inside
me: Im sorry you are sad inside.
Mr. Amazing: in my sad because I can’t have a toy part of my body
me: I have learned one thing with you… When you get the toy… you just get sad over the next thing you want
Mr. Amazing: LOL… I really wish that I could deny that
me: But you cant
Mr. Amazing: I could be disingenuous and say that it’s all lies…and that toy “x” would make me whole my favorite toys are my nixie clock and that lamp sitting in a box
me: I remember… your life long dream… and the passion you had for getting it… you had wanted it your whole life…
Mr. Amazing: just thought you should know
me: and now its buried in junk on your dresser
Mr. Amazing:it makes me sad in the “I want my clock to be pretty” part of my body
me: “Look at these tubes kerry… they were made in the cold war”
Mr. Amazing: They were… Just sayin’ and in the early part of the cold war not the Reagan Gorbachev shaking hands pretty phase of the relationship
me: ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: Your laughter hurts me in the “you don’t like my petty toys” part of my body
me: Its a good thing you have all these parts…. do you have the Oh god she is rolling her eyes at me and its killing me part too? because that happened
Mr. Amazing: yeah… I felt a twinge that was a lot like that a few seconds ago … it was either that or gas… but I am pretty sure it was that
and it was painful
and I could feel a tear swelling in the corner of my eye
and then a co-worker was about to walk by, so I forced the tear back in
me: LOL! Man up tear ducts!
Mr. Amazing: man up… man up… sad tear ducts…deep down I know you are laughing at me…. not with me
me: ROTFLMAO! Right at you… at your parts
Mr. Amazing: deep down in the “she’s mocking me” part of my body it’s hurting me right in the feelings
me: Where is the “Oh God she is going to blog this” part of your body… because Im laughing at it now
Mr. Amazing: It’s right next to my central shame center… It’s part of my Central Anxiety System
TEN MINUTES LATER
Mr Amazing: Kerry… I love Mac OS X
Oct
01
2013
The Cookie Wife…
Share a Fall recipe that you’re loving this season.
Soooo I don’t really cook… or bake… But I do love me some fall recipes… So let me let you in on a little secret I have… It’s kind of a magical thing…. I live in Utah… Where not only do plural marriages have a reputation of being practiced… but some of the best baking happens! So I did the only logical thing I could do …. I took a cookie wife! You heard me right!
me: <Yawn/stretch/puts an arm over her shoulder move/Drops Recipe in lap>
Cookie Wife: Aren’t you hilarious???
me: Smoooooth… I believe the word you were looking for is smooth
Cookie Wife: Or subtle…
me: Bahahaha!
Cookie Wife: Guess what is the best thing ever??
me: ??
Cookie Wife: Maple blueberry sausage!!! I’ll bet I could make it just as yummy with ground turkey!
me: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM I wanna eat it all!
Cookie Wife: I made blueberry pancakes, maple blueberry sausage, crock pot hash brown scrambled eggs & juice & milk.
me: … Small Child ate at school … I ate a leftover taco time bean burrito.
HAPPY OCTOBER EVERYONE!!!
Sep
23
2013
Its the finer things…. really.
WARNING- THIS MAY ONLY BE FUNNY TO THE SLEEP DEPRIVED.
me: I should grocery shop tonight…I so way don’t even want to!
Mr. Amazing: I am really sorry (it’s what I say now right?)
me: it’s cool… It just means you are getting fried chicken and potato logs for dinner
Mr. Amazing: 🙁
me: So if that doesn’t sound good for dinner… what does
Mr. Amazing: Sounds good = tomatoes and cucumbers in vinegar with fancy cheese and crackers
me: Oohhhh That sounds yummy… What else should I be buying… I gotta be honest… my head is not in the game… I don’t even know what that means
Mr. Amazing: I was laughing when I read that I imagined the announcer voice… “oooh Kerry’s heads not in the game, what d’ya think Chuck” “Well Bill, Kerry normally scores in the high 300s, today may be a down day.” “Well Chuck let’s hope that she can find the groove as she heads down to the frozen foods section”
me: Really… I just pictured me standing in the middle of the fruit and veggie sections screaming FUMBLE! Wanna do some potatoes again?
Mr. Amazing: lol, that sounds good
me: What else sounds good…You be in charge dammit!
Mr. Amazing: dammit- clam chowder in sourdough bread bowls
me: Ohhhh that sounds good
Mr. Amazing: spaghetti with beef tips and veggies in spicy sauce with aged mozzarella, capers and olives
me: Uhhhhhhhh
Mr. Amazing: with rosemary bread on the side
me: BAHAHAHAHA! That’s the funniest shit you have said all day…I say fuck this whole shopping idea, we are eating at 7-11… Slurpee’s for dessert?
Mr. Amazing: cannolis stuffed with spiced sausage and spices with noodles and marinara with myzithra cheese
me: <headdesk>
Mr. Amazing: with pistachio cheesecake and raspberry sauce
me: Meow
Mr. Amazing: and…
me: You should have married your cookie wife if you didn’t want to eat at 7-11 for dinner
Mr. Amazing: hand trimmed steaks marinated in lime chili sauce with rice and veggies in a light cheese/butter sauce with some sparkling spumante grape juice and some ice cream on top of homemade peach pie for desert
there, done… any other questions?
me: Okay… Crack head… Taquitos then?
Mr. Amazing: : ROFLMAO or you should get a super awesome job and I will stay home and cook and hire a maid to clean
me: YOU should! I will stay home and boss her around… The maid
Mr. Amazing: Like a BOSS
me: She will have to cook too
Mr. Amazing: lemon blueberry cheesecake with marscapone and whipped cream and lemon zest on top
me: No Slurpee for you! you ingrate!
Mr. Amazing: okay, okay I want a Slurpee and an all beef hot dog
me: ROTFLMAO! I am not really going to 7-11 But I love that you settled … on dinner… on life… you know… in general
Mr. Amazing: like I am going to lose my Slurpee
me: BAHAHAHA! Its the finer things in life that get us through
Mr. Amazing: yes, like wine flavored soda pop
me: Exactly!
UPDATED – What he came home too:
Aug
01
2013
Meet the tallest :)
I don’t write often about Tallest Child… Because she is all growed up… and out on her own with the tiniest of all child… cooking another one in her belly!
But this weeks writing prompt only could be dedicated to her… because well… ha! she was freaking stuck!!
“A time somebody got stuck”
This is my baby girl… My daughter… and if you have been reading for a while her stories are intertwined with mine through out… I write about her on Mothers Day cause I’m her mama dammit! I shared my angels girls story of her angel… (with her permission) … because I was so proud of her… She brings me joy … She is part of every humorous story I share about small child growing up in fact… she was a key part to smiffbib even being created… I’m sure there are a million more tall child stories on here… but I’ve linked in a lot if you want some history on this beautiful woman pictured above… My god I love her… and how we show our love? By embarrassing the shit out of her!
“A time somebody got stuck”
She was standing on the stairs that went upstairs, I was standing in the kitchen below her in a Romeo and Juliet almost moment… I say almost because we aren’t Romeo and Juliet… and then… without really understanding why… she decided to shove her knee into the metal bars of the banister… you know… to see if it fit…. She stood there nonchalantly for a moment… trying to slide it back out… but after a few minutes began to panic… We (The smalls father and I) took a few minutes to laugh hysterically… trying to push her … and pull her knee… before I began to panic!… I start thinking the fire department is going to have to come and cut her out of this thing… when the father type figure had a genius idea…. Butter! you should use butter to get out of these kinds of things… and I run to the fridge…. no butter…. BUT! we own butter flavored Pam… which is really the same thing… sprayed her knee… and rescued her from its clutches…Never to be lived down again…
Psst… Tallest Child… you know about the mothers curse right?.. those Tinys are gonna make for some great stories!!!
Jul
19
2013
Giant Gummy Say What??
Mr Amazing:
Mr Amazing: This just doesn’t look right – looks like you could buy it at one of those “slumber parties”
Me: UMM OMG OMG!!! You bought me that giant gummy coke right? RIGHT?
Mr Amazing: Nope, did you read my comment on the gummy worm?
Me: I read it… But I got sidetracked by the thought of that coke bottle!
Mr Amazing:
Me: Would you focus! GIANT GUMMY COKE BOTTLE!
((Gross on the giant gummy worm btw.))
May
15
2013
Only the Shadow knows….
Apr
30
2013
Smiffbib Sangria… Seriously
Prompt: Refreshments anyone? Prepare a drink for us and share the recipe!
Simple Sangria… Wow… This is the most random post ever!
Okay… So I don’t cook… but I sure love to eat!
(I totally cook … sometimes… just so you know)
Well… I am no bartender… But I sure love wine!
Smiffbib Sangria … Because this whole recipe resonates with the I don’t care attitude – 1 bottle of white wine (I love THIS one! 3 cans of Fresca, add sliced fruit (peaches, strawberries, grapes, etc whatever is left over from the kids lunch works for me!! HA!)
Sip it… Fill a tumbler… bathe in it… whichever your style …
What! that wasn’t what you were expecting out of me?? Not enough Smiffbib in the Sangria??? Here! Visit my drunk tweet post… because… well… Drunk Tweets!
Apr
26
2013
Kicking in the general direction :)
G-Chat
Mr. Amazing: … so get this… I walk over to a Co-Workers’ desk this morning and lean against the wall and start talking to him, I realize he looks distracted, won’t look me in the face… etc… weird… so as I am walking away, I realize that my zipper is all the way down, like scary low… and I am like … OMG! run to the bathroom and then come back to tell you… yeah… okay, and you realize that this is the guy that I told earlier in the year, that BFGoodrich invented the zipper yeah…
me: ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: he invented the zipper Kerry
me: I totally blogged that! (TRUST ME People… you want to read that)
Mr. Amazing: good thing
me: People loved it
Mr. Amazing: yeah, I used to make you laugh all the time with my crazy antics, now that you know me better
it just causes shame
me: No shame!
Mr. Amazing: Are you with him?
you look down
you are like… no
I mean maybe
I mean no
me: LMAO! never
Mr. Amazing: who?
that guy with the scraggly beard and stains on him
Is that your husband?
no….
are you sure….
yeah….
me: Whatever, I think you are adorable.
Mr. Amazing: Yeah, that’s your husband
oh… <fake laugh>
yeah… that’s him
<fake laugh>
looking down
shame
me: Quit it… you know that isn’t true
Mr. Amazing: ROFL isn’t it? you are at the movie theater
me: ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing: and there is this guy talking through the movie with stains all over himself and you are thinking, wow… he is amazing
me: Yes, yes I do
Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO uh huh
me: Have you met me?
Mr. Amazing: nope, never met you, how do you do
me: Have I ever acted in public like I think you are anything less than wonderful?
Mr. Amazing: my name is Dorkface… yes you have “acted” like I am wonderful, for which I am eternally thankful ROFL
me: LOL! The only time I acted weird with you out in public, is the one time we ran into a girl from work while we were dating… and she was all “I’ve heard so much about you” and I was all OMG! She is going to tell him how I tell all the girls at work how amazing he is in the sack! and I kicked her
Mr. Amazing: you kicked her??!!! seriously??
me: You don’t remember?
Mr. Amazing: OMG, that was weird
me: ROTFL!
Mr. Amazing: no, I don’t remember you kicking her, I remember her being awkward and running away
me: I kicked in her general direction
Mr. Amazing: now I know why
me: LMAO!
