Articles

Jan 30 2013

Sssss … Sssss…. Ssssss

Author: Kerry

mama kats

This week’s prompt – The last time you were sick…

My brain is mush … I have soooooo much snot … leaking from every orifice .. I am gleaking (just trying to give you a mental image) from the corners of my eyes when I sneeze… which is often…. I am incapable of blogging in this state… Which is why I chose this prompt… also… I think I am funny….Hell… I think everything is funny today… Here have this Gchat conversation rather than me explaining… I think it says it all…Send help… or cheese.

me:  When I laugh I sound like that dog on Duck Hunt… Just sayin… LOL and I think everything is sooo funny today

Mr Amazing:  you sound like wooof…wooof…wooof??

 me:  Nooooo When he snickers when you miss the ducks!

Mr Amazing:  sssss..ssssss..sssss ??

 me:  YEAH! Like that And It hurts to breathe…I think it is lack of oxygen due to this damn cold LMAO even that is funny

Mr Amazing: not funny

 me:  Im pretty sure it is funny, cause I am sitting here alone at my desk sssss ssss sssssing

 me:  I think assuming I get home alive – that I am going to make enchiladas for dinner and they will be magically delicious

 me:  It will be a magical magic kinda enchilada delirious wife kinda night… Im so excited! Do we own cheese?

 me: LMAO! LMAO!

 me: I dont know if we own cheese…

Mr Amazing:  we have cheese

 me:  Thank God! …  I love cheese

I am pretty sure I will be deleting this post as soon as I am feeling better… and of sound mind… think of it as a limited edition!! SSSssss Ssssss Sssssss

UPDATED: I picked up take out on the way home 🙂
duck-hunt-dog

Jan 25 2013

OUTER DARKNESS!

Author: Kerry

UPDATE: BAHAHAHA! I Apologize in advance to writing this post that every one of you that googles Outer Space and gets brought here… Its getting a TON of traffic… But I know this isn’t quite what you had in mind!

I almost feel like I should put a disclaimer on here… But I decided against it 🙂

Mr Amazing:  It’s all because of the coca cola flavored Slurpee… choose the form of the destructor…..

 me:  I’m going to live forever… because God hates me… That’s my retirement plan

Mr Amazing:  Uh… hello God has a plan, you can only live (or die) if you are part of Gods plan

 me:  I choose neither

Mr Amazing:  then you will live forever in death or die forever in life – Not sure which

 me:  OUTER DARKNESS! Okay seriously… how cool does that sound… where are you? OUTER DARKNESS!

Mr Amazing:  outer darkness sounds horrible, it’s like being Helen Keller

 me:  How is it any scarier sounding than outer space? I think that perhaps that is what they were referring too… if you don’t get to go to heaven… You float around in space

Mr Amazing:  well, you can’t live in outer space

 me:  bumping asteroids and stuff

Mr Amazing:  nope it is complete and total loneliness with no senses

 me:  If Kolob is a planet

Mr Amazing: no touch, sight, sound, etc

 me:  Outer Darkness is Outer Space… its logical

Mr Amazing:  maybe it is being stuck in a black hole

 me:  Maybe… Either way… it doesn’t sound that bad… and all the coke flavored candy will be there…

Mr Amazing:  living forever with only your own thoughts sounds lovely?

 me:  Have you met me?  It sounds fantastic!

Mr Amazing:  you obviously don’t understand Mormon theology

no senses

no taste

no smell

no touch

no sight

no sound

 me:  No, You obviously don’t understand my brain… It would be like Disneyland

Mr Amazing:  you would be screaming and you couldn’t even hear yourself scream

 me:  My thoughts alone are the equivalent of the Matterhorn

Mr Amazing::  if such a place existed

 me:  Why would I be screaming? Nothing would be hurting me… cant feel anything!

Mr Amazing:  because you would go mad http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_deprivation

 me:  Would it be claustrophobic? or big like outer darkness sounds?

Mr Amazing:  you wouldn’t be able to tell

 me:  Then it wouldn’t matter

Mr Amazing:  You would go completely insane within days

 me:  I bet I could hold out longer than you

Mr Amazing:  I would last minutes ROFL

 me:  I think it sounds like a vacation

outer-space1
Jan 18 2013

A Quickie – A Definite Maybe.

Author: Kerry
G-Chat
Mr. Amazing:  I want this…  did you get your W2 yet?
41fvW2SbZcL._SL500_AA300_
 me:  Not yet –  no screen!LOL
Mr. Amazing:  It’s a thunderbolt display, docking station for a macbook pro
 me:  blah blah blah
 Mr. Amazing:  built in sound, ethernet, usb hub, firewire
 me:  meh meh meh meh meh
Mr. Amazing:  I take that as a definite maybe
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
…
See that was a Quickie!!!
Completely Unrelated Fact: Most of the traffic I get to my blog are mislead porn searchers…
Dec 17 2012

… are you saying you want me to take “your” journalistic integrity and shove it up “my” ___ ?

Author: Kerry
 me:  (Linked this picture)kitten
Mr. Amazing:  cute
 me:  lol
 me:  LMAO!
 me:  Its cute… shiney and silver
Mr. Amazing: We are still talking about the speaker, yes?
 me:  Yes – LOL Bratface
Mr. Amazing:  You can play music to it right from your iPad wirelessly
 me:  Dont talk to me anymore LOL
Mr. Amazing:  And… I can get it through my work for only $95
 me:  If I can only have one cat, you can only have one speaker… go home and mark your favorite… Im throwing the rest out the window
Mr. Amazing:  lol
 me:  I loooovvveee you
Mr. Amazing:  I love you too, If you want to call the landlord… I am sure that would be a super fun conversation
 me:  They would never even notice!
Mr. Amazing: and watch this be the kitten that urinates on EVERYTHING, What is that lovely smell in your home, is that… cat urine, yummy
 me:  You think EVERY cat pees on everything LOL more don’t pee on things than do!
Mr. Amazing:  That’s because every other cat I have owned pees on everything, pee pee pee pee
 me:  How many have you owned LMAO!
Mr. Amazing:  3
 me:  I have owned a bazzillion… and flora was the only one who did that..
Mr. Amazing:  Yeah… well
Mr. Amazing:  I am happy with two animals, a cat, a dog
 me:  Me too, I just like to mess with you
Mr. Amazing:  done
 me:  and I love kittens
Mr. Amazing:  yeah… that’s all this is, you like to mess with me
 me:  Kittens are like babies, My friends get one, and I get kitten hungry LOL I dont really want one
Mr. Amazing:  lol -you really don’t want one? So if I brought a kitten home tonight you would turn it away, cuz you really don’t want one
 me:  Oh hell no, I would snatch that kitten up and kiss the shit out of it
Mr. Amazing:  I want to cry a little bit just thinking about a kitten peeing in the closet and climbing up my back while I am screaming obscenities
(this is a memory, FYI)
 me:  LMAO! Its going to happen one day, I am content with that for now
Mr. Amazing: I honest to god think you like tormenting my subconscious brain
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
Mr. Amazing:  you don’t like this? <twist>
 me:  I told you up front, remember, I would ALWAYS own a cat
 Mr. Amazing:  I told you I would always own a chicken hawk, but I let that dream die
 me:  ROTFLMAO!!!
 me:  Im sure the kids would LOVE one!
Mr. Amazing::  Do you see the picture of it eating the kitten, uh… I mean small squirrel
 me:  WHAT? No! You wouldnt send me a picture of that! <looking again>
 me:  Mother Fucker
Mr. Amazing:  Meow
 me:  You know… Pissing you off is the only thing that stops me from bringing one home…. And suddenly the keeping you happy thing seems alot less appealing
 me:  Im Blogging this… people will mail me Kittens in protest!
Mr. Amazing:   It will arrive in a package dead, and I can feed it to a chicken hawk – tell them that if they send you kittens to at least put holes in the box
 me:  Your going to hell…. which will include cat nip treats dangling over your boy parts in a room full of kittens
 Mr. Amazing:  boy parts?
 me:  uh huh
Mr. Amazing:   what am I five?
 me:  ROTFL!
Mr. Amazing:   you just typed that I want that to sink in
 me:  I am DYING over here! I typed it because I knew I was going to blog it!
Mr. Amazing:   that seems counter-intuitive, shouldn’t you blog it because you typed it? Where is your journalistic integrity?
 me:  Bet if it was up your… other part… you would know
Mr. Amazing:   are you saying you want me to take “your” journalistic integrity and shove it up “my” ass?
 me:  YES!
Oct 22 2012

Listen… If I tell you I shaved my legs… Im hitting on you..

Author: Kerry
G-Chat
 me:  I vote we go pick up Indian together when you get home…. I shaved my legs this morning
Mr. Amazing: you shaved, so we should go to Indian? trying to understand the logic
                       What would have happened if you didn’t shave?
 me:  Noooooo …. listen… If I tell you I shaved my legs… Im hitting on you
Mr. Amazing:  if I tell you that I shaved my legs, I am hitting on you?
 me:  Yes!
Mr. Amazing:  And I shaved my legs haphazardly with my fingernails, how hot is that?
 me:  Uhhhh okay… I think my leg hair is growing in.
Mr. Amazing:  wha? already? damn it
 me:  I am left speechless
Mr. Amazing: Well the alternative is I get take out and then eat Indian at home, or just not get take out at all
 me:  Noooo I decided last week … And you ate onions
Mr. Amazing: As it should be
 me:  It was a disaster
Mr. Amazing:  yes, and they were wonderful
 me:  Oniongate 2012
Mr. Amazing:  lol I don’t want to think about it, I was so sick
 me:  Soooo this whole thing is on you, Maybe you don’t even want Indian, You were super sick
Mr. Amazing:  Indian it is
 me:  or even Himalayan kitchen if you want?
Mr. Amazing: You like Indian better
 me:  Actually I’m good for a change, as long as what ever you bring me is super crazy spicy
Mr. Amazing:  Indian it is
 me: … it all sounds equally good, as long as its hot, I kinda want the chicken… I might be delirious
Mr. Amazing:  Okay, chicken? seriously? do you want to think about that?
 me:  No, it sounds good
Mr. Amazing:  let’s go through this
 me:  But it has to be melt my face off hot
Mr. Amazing: first bite… good
                                  second bite… good
 me:  LMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  third bite… okay
                               fourth bite… meh
                               fifth bite… gross
 me:  I wanna eat it
 Mr. Amazing:  (first bite)
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  so… chicken?
 me:  Yeah!
 Mr. Amazing:  Uh huh
 me:  Hot!
Mr. Amazing: I am not ordering until 30 mins before I leave, so let me know if that changes
                             hot
                             yes
 me:  I dont think I slept well last night… My eyes are leaky and I think this is all very funny
Aug 31 2012

… Meg and the Tomatillo Enchiladas (Sounds like a childs book)

Author: Kerry
Me: In the oven at this moment is green tomatillo enchilada magic…. You owe meg
         uh  Me… Not meg
         I don’t even know who meg is
         If you know a meg… You don’t owe her… You owe me
Mr Amazing: lol I owe Meg, got it
Me: Nooooo not meg… I will kick Meg’s ass.
Mr Amazing: lol
Mr Amazing: Okay…
Me: Is this meg? I found her on my iPad
Mr Amazing: Oh shit, She doesn’t mean anything to me
                            I promise
             Neither does things one I suppose
Mr Amazing: Nope, not a thing
Me: You’re a floozy

Mr Amazing: I have been called many things
Me: Yeah.. Well My iPad is full of em
Mr Amazing: Lazy, annoying, cold, cruel, mean, forgetful, depressing, killjoy
  but never “floozy”
Me: Well.. There you go
  There’s a first for everything
(Try making those magic enchiladas meg!!! Good luck with that!!! I’m posting the recipe only to show off that I can now use a stove… incase you read my other post)
Chicken green tomatillo enchiladas.
This recipe is a great enchilada sauce, if you wanted little more spicy, throw in extra jalapenos. it will make about 8 enchiladas. 2 per person.
Number of Servings: 4
Ingredients
8 flour tortillas
4 oz mozzarela
shredded chicken breast 12 oz
Canned Tomatillos (large)
Sour cream (One pint (I use the substitute))
1 Can chicken broth
Directions
*Boil chicken breast for about 30 min. shredd the meat.
*boil green tomatillos,peppers,garlic for about 10 min.
*add to blender broth, tomatillos, sourcream.
medium deep pan add the tomatillo sauce as a bottom layer
Roll Tortillas with chicken and cheese. add a little more sauce on top and put some cheese on top of enchiladas.
Enjoy! (Bake at 375 til melted and gooey and bubbling)
Aug 03 2012

… The Never Ending Nipple

Author: Kerry
me:  Ummmm The universe wants to marry me, and wants me to have this ring.
Mr. Amazing:  Tell the Universe to fuck off, you’re taken
 me:  LMAO
Mr. Amazing:  But if the universe wants to give you a ring that’s different
 me:  I think it wants me to have that ring!!
Mr. Amazing:  .01 carat diamonds… 1% of a nice diamond
 me:  its a snake… did you miss that part… the snake…
Mr. Amazing:  black rhodium snake
 me:  It wants me to wear it!
Mr. Amazing:  
That’s what I want
 me:  That is awesome… but really… where would you wear that ROTFLMAO! Like giant bling on your chest to work?
Mr. Amazing:  I would wear it all the  time, I would call it a religious talisman and start to cry if someone asked about it and then stare up into the sky and fake meditate Latin words
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
 Mr. Amazing:  I want that now, I would wear it under my shirt and tell them it was my sacred necklace
 me:  I would get you a long enough chain that it would look like a nipple
a never ending nipple
 me:  If I had a tattoo gun… you would never be safe to sleep again… you would have oracle nipples
Mr. Amazing:  oracle? why oracle? what does that even mean?
 me:  The southern oracle… The two halves… Im naming your nipples
 Mr. Amazing: and why would you have a tatoo gun
 me:  it could happen
 Mr. Amazing  the Southern oracle that would be a bad ass tattoo
 me:  Your nip could be the eye
that opens and kills people if they are afraid, and they will all be afraid
Mr. Amazing:  LOL I would be afraid
Mr. Amazing:  I like that Auryn medallion, The universe wants me to have it
 me:  The universe speaks in mysterious ways
Mr. Amazing: yes, yes it does
Jul 22 2012

… An Invasion of Privacy

Author: Kerry

Tolman: Hello!

me: Hi Tolman!!!!

Tolman: I have to tell you something… I just can’t keep it inside any longer!

me: Really? What could it be?

Tolman: I Love you… Not like in love with you… Just Love you… And

me: There is more?

Tolman: Yes, I worship the ground you walk on and want to be just like you when I grow up

me: You’re older than me

Tolman: Well, it was a figure of speech

me: You are aware you left yourself logged into my google chrome aren’t you?

Tolman: You don’t say

me: Oh but I do… and then I can open another chat window in IE

Tolman: Why would anyone do that?

me: I’m tired of talking to myself…

Tolman: Is’nt that an invasion of privacy?

me: Yes… yes it is… But im glad you told me how you feel

Tolman: Oh really?

me: The feeling is mutual

Tolman: You need sleep

me: I need sleep… This should have been much more creative and entertaining than it is

Tolman: You made me confess my love for you

me: Yes, But I could have had you confess you used to be a man… think of the possibilities

Tolman: <shiver>

Jun 22 2012

… Icepack in bras & bras for balls… I’m thinking we could be famous…

Author: Kerry
My Facebook Status: … Boob sweat… And that’s all I have to say about the first day of hades… I mean… summer…
G-Chat
me: I posted about boob sweat in my status update… see… my life is really complete
Mr Amazing: Well, now I think it is complete  Boob sweat is way better than ball sweat
me:  And now I am giggling at my desk
Mr Amazing:  <— sleep deprived
me:  Note to self: purchase baby powder
Mr Amazing:  Seriously, two words: testicular cancer, Talc isn’t our friend
me:  You all act like your balls would be worse than boobs… Which are just BIGGER balls… higher up!
Mr Amazing:  boobs don’t have small semi-hard balls inside a fluid sack that is constantly being squeezed between two thighs
me:  Glands! They have Glands!
Mr Amazing:  glands being squeezed by?
me:  More Glands! and a bra!
Mr Amazing:  bras are just there to help support men don’t get support, they get uncomfortable wedging
me:  Support to a 16-year-old… is squeeze and hoist the sails to a 30-year-old
Mr Amazing: ditto
me:    Touche …. but that just gives them breathing room
Mr Amazing:  between your leg, your pants crotch, and what? now imagine the guys in skinny jeans those guys are total retards and I can guarantee you they will be infertile
me:  icepack in bras… and bras for balls… im thinking we could be famous
Mr Amazing: There should be a brand of jeans called “infertile blues” underwear with ball bra (infertile blues was funny, just sayin’)
me:  Ummm So tolman says… in the next chat window over….
Tolman:  OMG!!! I would think ball sweat, for sure!  I just can’t imagine how unpleasant it would be!  And who would really care if a woman is wiping her sweaty breasts off?? If a man wipes his sweaty balls off, he can get arrested!
Mr Amazing:  I love her, she understands all you can do is cowardly attempt to move the fabric of your jeans in a vain attempt to fix matters
me:  <speechless>
Mr Amazing:  oh god
me: I think you might be exaggerating
Mr Amazing:  I should stop talking to you
Men! I don’t even understand how they walk around with those things!
Jun 20 2012

… Insomnia … It sometimes craves candy.

Author: Kerry
G-Chat (Day three no sleepy)
Mr Amazing:  I am just struggling to not fall asleep. I think I need caffeine
 me:  probably
Mr Amazing:  they have a rack of gummies, like 30 kinds
me:  Shut the front door… what kind …who is they
Mr Amazing:  Toasters, it is where I acquire chai tea latte
me:  Hmph
Mr Amazing: they have all kinds of stuff and all kinds of german chocolate, like this cherry yogurt chocolate, I have never gotten it
me:  Gummies… get to the gummies… what kind of gummies
Mr Amazing:  lol, they have coke bottle, they have all kinds, like tons
 me:  Take a picture
Mr Amazing:  lol okay  it’ll be a minute
 me:  I think it is unfair that I am in Hell… whilst you are in chai gummy land
Mr Amazing:  Uh
….
I am in chai gummy land?
 me:  Yes
Mr Amazing:  chai gummy land
 me:  Chai Gummy Land
Mr Amazing:  chai gummy land?
 me:  Its like candy land… but serves chai tea
Mr Amazing:  okay…
 me:  If i walk outside my building… I have no chai gummy magic place to go… I have Envirofacts
Mr Amazing:  lol, they moved didn’t they?
 me:  You get the point… no one is making me chai over there
Mr Amazing:  uh…Do you want to drive through Starbucks? Is that what you are saying,  for an iced chai? you only have an hour-ish left
 me:  Valid point… I think you should surprise me with Indian food for dinner… and gummy frogs
Mr Amazing: Really? ROFL
 me:  I think I am delirious… I think my face is melting off my skull
Mr Amazing: that sounds attractive
 me:  LMAO
Mr Amazing:  my face is melting off my skull
 me:  this is what happens when I dont sleep for days… this is past the giggly day… past the crying day…to the face melting day
Mr Amazing:  there are variants
 me:  like different strands of mutation disease?
Mr Amazing:  yeah, just like that
 me:  Unless you can make gummy frogs, chai tea, and icecream appear on my desk right now.. Im not really listening to you anyways
Mr Amazing:  gummy frogs? that is what you are craving? more than coke bottle?
 me:  Actually sharks… but I dont know if they have them… I dont have a picture!
Mr Amazing: or peach rings lol I haven’t left yet
 me:  Gummy sharks… or octopie!
Mr Amazing: octo pie? what the hell?
 me:  Octopi … Octopusses
Mr Amazing:  what the hell
 me:  ROTFLMAO!
Mr Amazing:  octo pussy?
 me:  They make them MISTER! Gummy Octopi!
Mr Amazing:  octopussy gummy
 me:  Its real
Mr Amazing:  uh huh so are marsians
 me:  do you think that have gummy martians?
Mr Amazing:  probably
 me:  Mmmmmm martians
Mr Amazing:  shouldn’t they be called marsians? they aren’t from mart
 me: NO!  Ooohhhh do you remember those gummy tarantulas??? OMG … OH EMMMMMM GEEEEE
Mr Amazing:  
 me:  THOSE ARE JUST BEARS!!!
Mr Amazing:  Those fucks
 me:  LMAO!
Mr Amazing: 
 me:  ahhhhhhhhhh butterflies!!!