Articles

Jun 12 2012

Super Hero Against Retrieving Porn (SHARP) … Nerds love acronyms

Author: Kerry
Mr Amazing:  My computer barfed – Did I miss anything?
 me:  Barfed? That’s a horrible word
Mr Amazing:  Did you smile though? Or are you just mortified?
 me:   Of Course… I snorted
Mr Amazing:   lol
 me:  So I hate to tell you this.. I was looking at what gets read the most on my blog…. Top Ten spots… our g-chats
 Mr Amazing:   lol, ridiculous
 me:  ROTFL!
Mr Amazing:   that is because you mention crap you should not, and it is from porn searches, or I mention rather and you post it … Spitzer’s
Clothing Colony for instance
 me:  oh come on… It’s not like I go around typing in crap like “Happy Endings” to come up in search engines
Mr Amazing:   lol
 me:  Bahahaha!
Mr Amazing:   yeah, no mention of clit or vagina
 me:  I know right? Or uterus
Mr Amazing:   lol, perfect
 me:  I usually throw a couple of politicians in there… Like Romney has a Uterus (serious? he should be so lucky!)…Or… President Romney means no Happy Endings for Americans …ROTFLMAO!…OMG!
Mr Amazing:   lol
 me:  I just died… seriously… that was hysterical
Mr Amazing:   President Romney’s four-year massage will not come with a happy ending…
 me:  bahahahaha!!! That would just be wrong… wrong to post things like that and divert people searching those things to my meaningless nonsense blog
Mr Amazing:   It seems to me like a good thing
 me:  Right? I’m really just trying to help out! do my part… I’m kind of a super hero… In the keyword porn fighting arena… Search Term Super Hero
Mr Amazing:   ROFLMAO you should post that… as a post
 me:  Oh yeah, Like im not already highlight this G Chat gold! and pasting it in my blog
Mr Amazing:   Oh God
 me:  G-chat… Not G-String
Mr Amazing:   You could just post an idea … Rather than copying my words verbatim to a blog
 me:  Ha ha! My readers love you
Mr Amazing:   I hope you at least fix my spelling errors
 me:  (always)  and this time! it was me being funny! that’s never happened before!
Mr Amazing:  Super Hero Against Retrieving Porn (SHARP) Nerds love acronyms
 me:  ROFL! oh great… okay now its all about you again
<Spongebob voice> Five minutes later
Mr Amazing:  Nerds Against The Use of Rhetorical Acronymous Lingo (NATURAL)
 me:  That took you a while didn’t it LMAO
Mr Amazing:  lol, it did but I am against myself doing it
Jun 08 2012

… Funday Friday?

Author: Kerry

Perhaps everyday needs a fucking theme…. Soooo I feel like you have been deprived of Mr. Amazing and I’s g-chats… I will skip the political rhetoric… and move you straight into this… because well… its Friday 🙂

me: I love you! Im drinking coffee… in the afternoon… I havent done this in months… I have the worst headache… its all magic

Mr. Amazing: oh man, my back hurts, and I am starving, and my head feels …I can’t think of the word, like it’s full of fudge

me: Mmmm fudge

Mr. Amazing: do you want to eat my brains

me: YES!

Mr. Amazing: I bet they don’t taste like fudge but I am told brains have the consistency of jello stringy jello

me: Warm jello or cold jello

Mr. Amazing: warm, bloody, jello

me: Im feeling a little queezy

Mr. Amazing: sorry

 

Apr 25 2012

Zipper Trivia… just the word… not the actual mechanism…

Author: Kerry

G-Chat conversation.

Mr Amazing: so bfgoodrich invented the word zipper

me:  what?

Mr Amazing: yeah, he coined the term zipper

me: I’m not really sure how you found that out… although I suspect google has something to do with it… or why anyone would want to know that

Mr Amazing: the google zipper yesterday

me: Although… Inventing the actual zipper…not the word… well that would mean something

Mr Amazing: don’t worry, I sent the same message to a random co-worker and then pretended like I really sent him a random retarded message about bfgoodrich inventing the zipper… ROFLMAO

Epic

me: ROTFLMAO!!!

Mr Amazing: And then I just immediately switched gears and asked about the deployment of his app to production

smooth

me: LMAO! OMG! I am trying to cover the fact that I am laughing so hard I am crying

Mr Amazing: Next I will IM him about something really awkward

Mr Amazing: like a lump and the doctor and then pretend like I was really talking to him… “what do’ya think man… ”

pretend even

wow

I meant to do that

me: LMAO!! stop… my co-workers are looking at me

Mr Amazing: Hey … so my mother told me that she is going to stop talking to me, since I totally told her about the whole leaving the closet thing….

and… well I thought that was interesting…

so about that software deployment….

me: ROTFLMAO!!! I have to walk away… and apparently pee!! brb

me: There! much better

Mr Amazing: He still hasn’t responded…

He is probably thinking…fuck… was I too nice to him? Does he want to be my friend… creepy… shit what do I say? Do I just pretend like I don’t see it? Should I close the window? fuck….

me: ROTFLMAO!!!

Mr Amazing: just leave the window open and don’t respond… and never talk to him again

fuck

me: Stop! LMAO!

Mr Amazing: zipper? what does that mean? Is that a come on? Oh God, what if it is?

me: I just swallowed my gum!! dammit!

It’s not like you can walk over and be all “that was meant for my wife”… because then he would think you were talking zipper trivia with me

Mr Amazing: He hasn’t said anything else? what if he comes and talks to me? Is he going to talk about inventing zippers…

me: it’s better he thinks you’re hitting on him

Mr Amazing: Tomorrow I’ll ask him if yesterday meant anything to him

me: uhhhh

Mr Amazing: and then tell him that my feelings were hurt

that he never responded

I just tried to make small talk

like who invented zippers

what is awkward about that

me: “I just tried to make small talk” LMAO

Mr Amazing: nothing

zippers are healthy and normal

me: quit omg..

Mr Amazing: and he won’t talk to me about zippers?

me: I am going to die

Mr Amazing: Fine, I am not saying hi to him anymore

not even if he rubs my shoulders

I just simply refuse

me: creepy!

Mr Amazing: what is zippers?

or shoulders?

Do you think I should try to hug him? To make things seem less awkward?

you know… just reset things and let him know that we are okay

a two pat hug

me: ROTFLMAO!!

Mr Amazing: and then a shoulder squeeze

and then just walk away

me: two pats and a shoulder squeeze?

Mr Amazing: that would make things not so … weird

me: Why don’t you ask him?

maybe he has a pat preference?

Mr Amazing: oh yes, great idea

hey… do you like shoulder squeezes? you remember me, the zipper trivia guy

 me: ROTFLMAO!   Exactly

Mr Amazing: yeah, I’m on it

I am going to pray to god the whole thing just goes away

I may pray tonight

And create an altar of shame

me: I will help you.. I have candles

Mr Amazing: He just walked over and asked me to deploy his app again

he looked very troubled

me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr Amazing: but, hey … at least he is talking to me

 me: Pretend to zip your lips at him… like you can keep a secret 

Mr Amazing: Yeah, I already did that  he ran

I winked too was that going too far?

me: <Speechless>

Mr Amazing: anyway, I think we will be okay I just may need some counseling

Mr Amazing: and not type things in the wrong F*ing chat window

Mr Amazing: https://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=coined+the+word+zipper&safe=on


Apr 10 2012

… You do the math

Author: Kerry

G-Chat

Mr. Amazing: 84.5% of the time, it’s wrong every time
: 25% of people polled think I am crazy
  15% want to vote for Santorum

 me: ROTFLMAO!

Mr. Amazing: you do the math
  No more male ovarian jokes?
 

me: You think?

Mr. Amazing: You do the math
  You think I’m crazy?
  You do the math
  You like juice smoothies?

 me: ROTFLMAO!  You do the math

Mr. Amazing: I love it when people put that out of context
  You do the math

 me: Quit saying it! LMAO
  I smell like peanut butter… thought you should know

Mr. Amazing: Let’s see 9% of people think that they don’t want to do the math, more people than that don’t like math, 23% of all people polled were polled as saying 45% of the time they were polled inappropriately and 9% of those were polled and asked if they liked bubble gum, nearly 90% of those people polled at 45% favorable for a Republican president… therefore… people who like bubble gum were polled inappropriately and want a Republican president…
  you do the math

 me: I like bubble gum…
  Your calculations are incorrect

Mr. Amazing: I am sorry, there is a 45% chance that you don’t even believe what you are saying
  according to numbers and polling by “Americans who want to save Americans”

 me: Its true.. Im not really convinced I like bubblegum..

Mr. Amazing: (but not South Americans, or Canadians)
  (or Mexico)
  (or Hondurus)
  (or Costa Rica)

 me: You are crazy… back to my peanut butter problem……..
 

Mr. Amazing: (or Nicarauga)
  Dogs like peanut butter
You do the math

 me: Did you just call me a Dog?

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/fully-operational-tron-light-cycle-now-street-legal-and-for-sale.html

 me: YOU NEED THAT!
 Okay… I need that… (im a better driver)

Mr.Amazing: http://dsc.discovery.com/cars-bikes/man-builds-street-legal-batmobile-using-turbine-engine.html

 me: No, Tron Bike is cooler.
  Does it leave a light trail???
   because the grid is real

Mr.Amazing: I got in man…

me: I should start calling you number 1
  like… “number 1, engage”
  and “make it so number 1”
 

Apr 05 2012

… Got Sleep?

Author: Kerry

Set the goal not to tweet while sleep deprived… this Gchat was the result of said goal

Gchat –

Mr. Amazing: Do you want to transfer $30 back to my account so I can get Setebello for dinner?

 me: Roast in slowcooker… your family coming

Mr. Amazing: Oh… pot roast
  damn
  never mind
  oh well
  See… I offered

 me: That was pure evil

Mr. Amazing: lol
  monkey torture…

 me: Hey Kerry… Do you want to eat your favorite dinner? Or you want to play with a raw hunk of cow with ice cubes sticking to it in the morning and eat it that night

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO

 me: With people over… (I hate people)

Mr. Amazing: ooooh… Oh… umm…. oh….. …uhhh…. ummm….. uh…. Oh OH… the second one?! 

 me: Tell the lucky lady what she won
  Well Bob… she has won a hunk of beef… that will cause her to be ill.. and she will do the dishes too!
 Just so you know… Ice cubes rip raw cow ass up… just like they would stick to your tongue
  … Got Sleep?

Mr. Amazing: ROFLMAO
  really
 rip raw cow ass up
  I can’t stop laughing

 me: YAY!
  But… Its true

Mr. Amazing: I didn’t think you would be stirring the cow ass with the ice cubes

me: It really was all a bit more complicated that you imagined I think… remember when I asked… at the last-minute this morning… Do you think it will all fit?
  I had to RIP ice cubes from the hunk of cow ass.. and rearrange them
  Gagging the whole time.. doing the potty looking type of dance and squealing in terror

Mr. Amazing: ripping off cow flesh
  it will just add flavor to the potatoes
  cow ass flesh flavor

 me: Right? That is what I figured…
  I will serve you a heaping plate of it tonight… assuming I remembered to turn on the slow cooker

Mr. Amazing: oh God
  please tell me you did

 me: Ofcourse I did… I checked twice… and locked the doors twice

Mr. Amazing: and make sure  to turn it to low

 me: and went back and checked my curling iron
  ….  I just sneezed gum into my hands… see.. these are the things you learn when I cant tweet it

Mr. Amazing: lol – would you have tweeted that?

 me: Yes… Yes I would have
Mr. Amazing: got sleep?

me: Belly Buttons can join Feet and Raw Cow ass on my , NASTY list again… what I would have tweeted

Mr. Amazing: belly buttons?
   like your own?
  are you inspecting your naval?

 me: Maybe?

Mr. Amazing: Why?
  Are you looking for something?

 me: …. I don’t have a valid response

Mr. Amazing: ROFL… I love you

Apr 03 2012

My Vagina hates Santorum…

Author: Kerry

Gchat Stream –

me:  I kinda want to make my status update of the day be “My Vagina hates Santorum” … But I dont think i can LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol   not a good idea

me: I didnt post it… but it was funny…

Mr.Amazing: questions will inevitably arise, like “how do you know? you have Santorum in your vagina lately?”

me: Noooo I dont think so… well maybe from you… but no one else im friends with would have the guts to respond to that LMAO

Mr.Amazing: lol there is always womb for Santorum, Santorum, pro womb

me: ROTFL!! That is horrible

Mr.Amazing: Santorum will never clean your womb
that’s the worst ever – btw

me: That was soooooo bad!

Mr.Amazing: I am so pro life
but before a brain has formed, I have a hard time forming an argument
but seriously, I hate it

me:  So this is why even though I am pro life, I dont judge other people based on their opinions, I dont feel I have the right to legislate a womans womb so
keep government out of my womb
HAHA! that should be my status update
Mr.Amazing: no womb for government

me: Exactly!!!

Mar 29 2012

Wine… or crack… Something

Author: Kerry

GChat –

Me: I need wine. Or crack. Something…

Mr.Amazing: crack?

                Did you really just say that?

 Me: LOL it’s an expression

             Crack… the expression LMAO

Mr.Amazing: let’s see… legal alcohol or crack rock… lol

 Me: not crack the drug

Mr.Amazing: I am laughing at my desk

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need some wine, or crack…

Me: I feel a Facebook status coming on

Mr.Amazing: lol  I can’t stop laughing, Eli probably thinks I am retarded

 Me: 🙂

Mr.Amazing: I need wine or crack

                Whichever

                no biggie

Me: Now you are making me laugh

Mr.Amazing: I could really use a sandwich, some chips, maybe some crack

Me: that’s it, I’m posting it on Facebook!

Mr.Amazing: lol, your dad would be like…

            “if you are gonna do crack, let me get you in touch with some people I know”

 Me: I know right?

Me: I totally just posted it

Mr.Amazing: ???!!!

                The new expression?

                Whatever are you talking about?

                  I searched “or crack” on Google

 Me: LOL!!!

 Mr.Amazing: first reference was “Nice price or crack pipe News”

 Me: I might LOVE to see the face of whoever sees your Google history

Mr.Amazing: second is … “Lindsay Lohan is Smoking Either crack or Meth, Says her Father …”                       

                                               I posted it on Facebook!

Me: I almost choked on my own saliva

Mr.Amazing: Damn I’m hungry, I could really use a sandwich or some crack…

 Me: LOL crack would suppress your appetite

           Don’t be offended… It was meant to be completely out-of-place … that’s why it’s funny

Mr.Amazing: oh… is that why? So remember last night when we were talking about SQUIRREL!!!

 Me:  KKhhhhaaaaannnn!!!

 Mr.Amazing: ROFLMAO

                             I love that

 Me: So funny

Mr.Amazing: 

 Me: ROTFLMAO!!! OMG! I want to watch the movie now

Me: Trouble with Tribbles

Mar 27 2012

So… Happiness … We meet again…

Author: Kerry

Gchat –

Mr.Amazing: How are you doing?

me: I’m alright… you?

Mr.Amazing: Doing okay, just wanted to check on you

You seemed super happy this morning, I just didn’t want to lose you to over-happiness…

me: LOL oh, I’m swimming in it

that happiness

Mr.Amazing: you that happiness

yeah.. you

they are so similar

me: I’m just working away, doing what I need too, and noticed something…

Mr.Amazing: what is that?

me: LOL when you decide you hate someone.. you hate everything about them… look at that bitch over there eating those crackers like she owns the place

LMAO! I think I’m hysterical

Mr.Amazing: Wow

me: I looooovvveee you

Mr.Amazing: So… are you upset with them?

I like crackers

Do you hate me?

So are you upset with them?

me: LOL upset? whatever gave you that Idea

I’m murderous… completely different

Mr.Amazing: oh

that seems healthy

me: Right?

Mr.Amazing: not really…

me: Meh… Bitterness looks good on me

Mr.Amazing: Uh…

me: I’ve been told I look nice three times

Mr.Amazing: I think you should just be happy

See, you look nice

Mr.Amazing: Sorry you are attitudey…

me: Its actually my best work quality 🙂

really

Mar 21 2012

Uhhh Yeah…. That just happened.

Author: Kerry

This is what happens after I innocently order Wine Flavored Gummies from the UK… Do you all have this problem

(Gmail Chat)

Mr Amazing:  lol gross why?! 
 
me:  Behave… I bet i could find urine gummies – Im going to look
Mr Amazing:  lol gross why?!
me:  Just to see LMAO
Ummmm okay no gummies… but I did find this little treasure
Mr Amazing: Good work, and look at the rating
I am buying it
me:  Dont you dare!!
Mr Amazing:   I just did, it looked really interesting
me:  OMG people have reviewed it! LMAO!
Mr Amazing:   using toilets and urine to create nitrogen rich compost heaps
she talks about where you can find cheap toilets
me:  ROTFLMAO!!!
Mr Amazing:   and Small Child could pee in the backyard whenever
and we can feed the flowers with it
me:  Like he would need the excuse
Mr Amazing:   Well, I ordered it
me: Liar … LMAO 
Mr Amazing:   I am going on ebay to order a toilet
me:  People that buy that book… also buy this… amazon said so
Mr Amazing:   even better, it’s made of porcelain and it’s pretty
me:  LMAO! quit it
Mr Amazing:   can pee in it and add leaves and banana peels and apples, etc
instead of throwing away all of that food
me:  OMG! Stop LMAO!
me:  ROTFLMAO!! OMG
Mr Amazing:    I can’t buy it yet, but the auction is going for 4 more days
I am going to bid $20
me:  I just pinned that toilet on pinterest LMAO
Mr Amazing:   It’s seriously awesome
me:  I titled it “Talk about a pot to piss in”… class just oozes from my pores
Mr Amazing:   I just put in a bid
do you see it yet?
me:  OMG! stop! no you didnt!
Mr Amazing:   I totally did
and I ordered the book
we are going to try this
it’s supposed to help the environment
me:  …
Mr Amazing:   don’t be mad
it really does look cool
right?
me:  Im going to copy this entire conversation and just post it on a blog